17 Sep 2016, 1:31 am
Hello! I'm sort of stuck in a state of being triggered after some stupid stuff at work (despite being unusually up-beat, productive & social all day) resulting in co-workers rallying together which made it impossible to get a word in edge-wise and whatever DID make it through was simply ignored in favor of the constant stream of ranting.
I separated myself from the situation, since It was literally over me putting a dustpan on the counter. GRANTED this isn't a good thing to do since I work around food but we were already closing, nothing edible was out and we were cleaning anyway. I just needed 3 seconds, THREE SECONDS. That and I've seen so much... worse... that just slides on by no problem.
Yet there I was, never had a problem like this for the entirety of my employment (year+) getting whaled on by hypocrites despite being on top of my game like I'd never been before. I'd also like to mention all of these people are supposedly my equals (7.25$ lackeys) trying to apprehend me verbally with no such actual power.
Once I was away from them I was relatively seething - not with hatred or anything particularly deep but just raw emotion, probably due to adrenaline. I'm easily overwhelmed, for the first 20 or so years of my life my reaction toward any & all emotional pressures was to simply sob uncontrollably. As you could imagine, this made any meaningful communication useless.
I took to a relatively poor coping mechanism to get by after the first few years I was on my own, something like dissociation I suppose? I removed myself from my emotions often, effectively slapping away any and all thoughts that popped into my head whether they were random or important bits born from my conscious before they could effectively 'register' in my head. This was bad, it lead to to angry outbursts and self harm to alleviate the things too big for the slapping. I would often just stare blankly into space for long periods of time, just not contemplating anything at all.
I've become relatively better in the detachment department, keeping myself in check so I don't drift off; however I feel it fundamentally changed my previous dilemma. Over the years things have steadily gotten more difficult for me, despite being able to keep the sobbing at bay in public (for the most part...) it still came out at home when I was by myself. While It's not my favorite trait in the world (I hate it) it became twisted after the whole inane odyssey... If I'm now completely overwhelmed there's a chance I'll laugh and cry simultaneously, which is the most surreal feeling I've ever felt in my entire life.
Experiencing amusement, satire, irony, dread, panic and uncertainty simultaneously is like being emotionally shot through the cosmos. Afterwards I'm left pretty taxed for the next day or two, my brain usually feels like mush & I'm a bit out of it. Another thing is that it comes on in fits sort of? 5~10ish seconds then it ceases abruptly and then starts back up the same way, almost automatically.
I've never had any true control over the sobbing I do, but this is an entirely new beast.
Thanks for reading, writing this out at least calmed me down from the work incident! (Which had induced one of these attacks; I got distracted for a bit so I kinda feel like I didn't bridge that well 
)
