Having difficulty functioning

Post Reply New Topic

Hello, all

I'm just posting because I'm having difficulty functioning and I'm not sure what to do. I haven't been officially diagnosed yet, but my appointment is coming. In the meantime (I would say about 8 months now) I've been doing almost nothing. I'm in this very unique situation where I am finishing my last projects for grad school from a distance and have been able to live off loan money. The problems are these: I haven't actually been working on my grad projects, and now I'll have to scramble to get them done by December (but feel unmotivated). I've been living with my boyfriend and I pay half of everything, but while he's at work he thinks I do research. I don't. Most days I spend online, getting lost in the world of information that is available. Sometimes I work out. Sometimes I nap. But I haven't been able to do any work, for 8 months. I've seen a counselor, but she hasn't been very helpful. She isn't trained to work with Asperger's, so when I ask questions like "But how do you know where to draw the line between not caring what people think and just being yourself, but also not offending people?" she looks at me like I'm weird.
Anywho, I love my boyfriend and he is very supportive. He knows I am dealing with medical issues. But I have told him that eventually things will get better, so I think he is holding on to that hope. I'm holding onto that hope, which is why I've said it. I've also told him about my suspicions of Asperger's, and he told me a diagnosis wouldn't change anything and that he loves me. He is the best thing I've got going right now.
Everything else is a mess. I feel I've burnt out on what I should be doing, and have no desire to do it anymore, yet I cannot get a job in many other fields because my degree is so specialized. The only other options are to take jobs that involve dealing with customers, but I would rather die. I've worked retail before and it was like torture. I honestly hate most people, especially when they are in their consumer mindset.
I'm not sure what to do. I can't seem to get out of this funk. I don't know if my health will get better, and I'm swimming in student loan debt.
I don't know how to make myself function again. I don't know how to make myself stop spending so much time on the internet when it has become a comfort for me; a way to drown out reality. Any suggestions?

LOL....you're doing better than me. I've only taken four Grad School courses.

What are you going for? If I may ask. Are you close to thesis/dissertation level?

What is preventing you from doing research? Probably similar to that which makes me procrastinate, too. Too much distraction, too much good stuff on the Internet!

I'm sorry you're going through your health issues.

I'm doing Teaching of English to Speakers of Other Languages. I love the teaching aspect of it, but I hate doing the research (which is usually centered around how people acquire new languages). It's so boring to me, now. It completely takes the fun out of writing. (Don't get me wrong, I'm an excellent research paper writer, but I don't enjoy it.) It was fun at first, but my interests have shifted. I almost wish I could go back to school for psychology or anthropology, but it's too late for that.

I think part of the reason I chose this field is because I noticed that when I work with students from other cultures they tend not to pick up on my social shortcomings because of the language barrier. Also, the "know it all" in me loves standing in front of a class and imparting my knowledge on willing recipients. It's the only time I don't feel terrified speaking in front of a group of people.

If I could just start teaching, I would be happy. The problem is now I have found that the market is becoming flooded with MA degrees in this field, so the best I could hope for is an adjunct position at a university. If I wanted a stable job, I would need to go for a PhD, which would mean more research.

I think another reason I'm having trouble finishing my degree is because I feel depressed. I had a major setback when I joined a major cultural volunteer program that had me train with other Americans (who were younger than me- 4 yr college graduates in their 20's). I thought they would be more open-minded people, but they immediately formed a social hierarchy and I was the bottom (wo)man on the totem pole. It made me feel like I had been thrown back in high school, and I suffered so much anxiety and depression from the rejection that came as a result. I haven't felt normal since.

I would just forget about those cliques. People have a tendency to be fools in this sense. You are above that.

I don't think you're that far away from functioning well, actually, based on what you write.

What fascinating, to me, about people being bilingual, is the difference in how people speak the "second" language when they acquire it before puberty, and after puberty. Big difference! Before puberty, they do not usually speak the "first" language with an "accent"; after puberty, it's difficult to get rid of the "accent." It has to do with brain plasticity. For some reason, after puberty, the brain becomes less "flexible" in many facets.

Henry Kissinger, a very brilliant man, never lost one bit of his German accent.

Yep, it's usually about the age of twelve. The Critical Theory Hypothesis explains this. The reason is due to how the brain processes what is being learned. At the younger ages, a second language is processed right along with the first language on the left hemisphere of the brain. After about 12 years old, any subsequent language is processed in the right hemisphere, and it isn't as lasting (meaning if you don't use it enough, you lose it, much more quickly).

I think the other problem with finding work is the fact that my field is dominated by NT women, and many NT women don't like me on the account of not being able to socialize as well. It also doesn't help that I'm moderately attractive, so when I fail to be social with them, yet am able to be comfortably social with males, the old jealousy monster rears its ugly head.

I understand you feel stymied. And I understand your reasons.

But I would still continue your path towards obtaining the degree--especially if you already covered most of the prerequisites.

If you're near a big city, you can get a job as a "English as a second-language Teacher" very easily. There's lots of immigrants coming into, especially the East Coat and West Coast cities. And they need people with your expertise.