Feel like a bad person

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I am away from home for a few days, and when I get back I am going to call things off with a guy. I don't think he's my boyfriend, but he might think he is, I don't know. Anyway he's been very sweet to me, he's a great guy, and he's made all sorts of accommodations for my HFA to try and make things work between us.

I don't want things to work between us. I just want this to be over. So, he just sent me a message wishing me a good time away etc. and saying he will miss me, and I know that when I get back, I am going to have to turn him away. f**k. I have never dated and I don't know how to do this. I maintain an emotional detachment, and now I have gotten into this mess, I feel like I've experimented on him almost? Like I knew this wouldn't work but I went for it anyway, and now he is emotionally invested and I keep getting colder and colder. I know I'm not a bad person really, but I feel pretty bad about myself. Don't have any friends so I thought I'd post here, had to get this off my chest

I know how you feel. I feel like this sometimes when I date someone. I feel like I should like them but then in the end I just don't want to be with them. I just don't to have to commit to someone emotionally or the pressure of being in a relationship. Sometimes I just want to be alone.

The tough thing about asd is that you don't understand social things.
The only way to understand social things is to experiment and see what happens.
But using other people's emotions for your own gain does make you a bad person.
So, society puts us in an impossible situation.
What's worse is that you are not taking advantage of people who are better off than you. If they were better off than you, they wouldn't want to develop a relationship with you.
It's like the NTs reject you bc they find you inferior and that hurts.
Then you give the same hurt to people who are worse off than you.
Note to OP:
This isn't about you (I don't really know your situation) its more about my experience.
The part about experimentation caught my attention and the things I wrote about are things I've thought about my own actions.

That's exactly it, I just feel emptiness where that connection should be. What have you done in the past when you feel like that, if you don't mind me asking? Do you tell them that you don't feel anything or are you more vague?


That's OK, thanks for sharing your experience . I don't feel as though NTs find me inferior, I am pretty secure in myself on that front, but I'm sorry you've been made to feel this way . You're right about the experimentation part anyway, you just can't win. I tried to do the 'normal' thing and put myself out there, now I'm just creating hurt for this guy, and for myself, where all this could have been avoided...

I try to explain it. I don't thing NT's always understand though. Sometimes it gets to the point that I just have to lock myself in my bedroom and hide.

You're not a "bad person" for knowing what you want, and that it happens not to be a relationship with this particular guy.

It's not always easy to find a way to let someone down easy, particularly when they are a nice person and haven't been dickish about it.

But still, if you're not into someone or something, you must remember that that's okay, and you have the right to put your needs and wishes above someone elses if theirs have to do with making what they want of YOU more important than what you want for yourself.

I will try to explain it too I think, although as you say it is a hard thing for NTs to understand. I worry he will just see it as a weak excuse, because I can't make him understand the full weight of my feelings; this isn't a thing I can overcome . And yeah, I always lock myself away lol, in my room if possible but just in my head if I have work to get on with.



Thanks, I know this is right but I needed to hear it from somebody else. I just have to remember not to let my guilt get the better of me; sure I feel bad for him, but I will feel much worse if I stick at this relationship against my wishes. Part of my problem is that I am very vigilant about being selfish, since many of my HFA traits are inherently selfish. Then when I do want to act on my own interests, it feels kind of unnatural. Oh well, I will have to do it, I know ...

The guilt you can feel for breaking up with someone (especially when they've been very kind to you) is tough, I know.

It may help to put it into this perspective: you may feel bad for hurting him now, but it would hurt him more in the long run to stay with a partner (you) that wasn't really into the relationship.

Also, just because you can't fully explain it to him in a way he can understand, doesn't mean you're a bad person. Try your best, but I've found that with dead-end relationships, they just can't/won't fully understand your reasons (nor may you be able to fully articulate them to yourself). And that's OK. If I waited until my ex fully understood my reasons for wanting to leave, I'd have been trapped in that relationship forever!