What exactly do I identify as?

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DW2000
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16 Oct 2016, 8:45 am

Hello!
I'm Hayley and I am 16.
One thing I've been struggling with recently is "what" I am. For example, am I aromantic? Possibly asexual?
Being a teenage autistic is hard enough as it is but not knowing how to identify myself is a real struggle.

I have had one 'relationship' of sorts in my life. It lasted less than a week because I didn't want a boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't leading the guy on or anything, he asked me out and I said yes (mostly because I didn't know how to respond, I suppose).
Something I've always noticed about myself is that I don't get attracted to 'real' people. My only attractions are to celebrities and fictional characters (by fictional characters, I mean ones that are in live-action television shows or movies) and YouTubers. What I'm trying to say is that I don't ever want a relationship.

This doesn't stem from any bad experiences, as noted above, or me trying to be a loner. It is simply due to the fact that having a romantic relationship with anyone isn't an option for me. The idea of having a relationship makes me feel 'not nice' and I've always said that if I were ever to change my mind, I am waiting until after university/when I am an adult (around my mid 20's, possibly).
So, I did a bit of research and I constantly found people saying 'keep and open mind!' or 'one day, you'll find the right person' but that's not the point. I NEVER want a relationship because it's not for me. The only romances I like are the ones on TV, in books and with fictional characters in fanfiction.

If anybody on here can help me define this without telling me to keep an open mind or listen to my heart, I would thoroughly appreciate it.

Hayley.


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lostproperty
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16 Oct 2016, 11:56 am

For as long as you're not in a relationship then you'd probably have the easiest time settling on "asexual", even if it isn't strictly true. If you're feeling that somebody who's straight is trying to come on to you and it's making you feel uncomfortable then claim to be, if anything, gay (and vice-versa). There's no rule that says you should stick to one label, it's your privilege to be able to change your mind. If you get yourself a reputation for being confused then it's by no means the worst thing in the world you can be accused of.

People who know that you're autistic shouldn't be putting any pressure on you and should understand but if they don't, just tell them what they want to hear "maybe one day I'll find somebody" just to keep them happy.

I think labels are mostly for other people's benefit so they can make some sort of snap judgement about you that they can feel comfortable with and not challenged by, they may even want to feel sorry for you as somebody who "can't find a partner" because it somehow makes them feel better about themselves. I guess some will find asexuality attractive so there's always the potential for difficulties and misunderstandings no matter how you define yourself, but most people should accept "asexual" as meaning you're comfortable enough with the idea of not being in relationship right now and not give you a hard time about it.



Kiriae
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16 Oct 2016, 12:28 pm

You are young. I was thinking the same thing when I were your age. "I will never have a boyfriend, I don't need one, I cant love, it's not for me, I must be asexual".
I feel in love for the first time when I were 20 (with my female friend I hanged out with since 4 years) but it took me another 2 years to realize it. That made me think I am lesbian.
When I were 24 I fell in love with a guy for the first time and realized I might be in fact bi.
Currently I am 27 and I am not in love with anyone but I think about guys more than girls and can imagine myself having a husband someday in the future.

Take it slow. You are not any form of "sexual" yet - you are just immature. You will be able to decide if you are asexual, homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual etc. when you get older and gain more experiences. Autistic people develop on different pace than NTs. Relationship wise it is usually 2/3 of real age - so you are currently about 11 year old in this field. You don't have to think of a label for yourself just yet - you are not ready.



kraftiekortie
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16 Oct 2016, 3:26 pm

I've known I liked girls "that way" since I was 5. It wasn't blatantly sexual until age 15.

Like others stated, sometimes these sorts of feelings come later. It's not necessarily immaturity.



DW2000
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16 Oct 2016, 5:31 pm

[quote="Kiriae"]You are young. I was thinking the same thing when I were your age. "I will never have a boyfriend, I don't need one, I cant love, it's not for me, I must be asexual".
I feel in love for the first time when I were 20 (with my female friend I hanged out with since 4 years) but it took me another 2 years to realize it. That made me think I am lesbian.
When I were 24 I fell in love with a guy for the first time and realized I might be in fact bi.
Currently I am 27 and I am not in love with anyone but I think about guys more than girls and can imagine myself having a husband someday in the future.

Take it slow. You are not any form of "sexual" yet - you are just immature. You will be able to decide if you are asexual, homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual etc. when you get older and gain more experiences. Autistic people develop on different pace than NTs. Relationship wise it is usually 2/3 of real age - so you are currently about 11 year old in this field. You don't have to think of a label for yourself just yet - you are not ready.[/quote

Thank you! I never realised that my relationship age was different to my actual age. You're right, I don't need a label just yet. I should just be myself and do what makes me happy.


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