I wish I had a gun so I could shoot myself in the head

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anne, hi. we haven't talked much, but i know you have or had a lover. won't they feel bad about your passing?

winston churchill spoke at a home for orphan boys. he just repeated over and over, "don't give up." the best shrink i ever had told me something that has served me well: life is about giving yourself the best possible chance over and over. sooner or later, something will go right. i had little idea how to do what he suggested, but i learned a lot of practical wisdom from some twelve-step groups.

my autism caused me to lose a profession i studied 11 years for. i wanted to die. fast forward twenty years and dozens of ignored job applications. now i'm happily married and in school for something new. before that, i was psychotic often. i got tired of being terrified out of my mind. i took a bottle full of my pills. i got a long sleep and awoke feeling better. i haven't been psychotic in 21 years. if i had succeeded at killing myself, i would have missed out on my interesting but stable current life. i hope i have helped other people along the way.

i don't believe in an afterlife. if you do go through with your plans, you will likely get your wish of oblivion. or if there is a heaven, everyone goes there. a loving god could do nothing else.

i don't know all the details of why you are feeling so desperate. could be much worse than anything i have ever imagined. a kindergarten teacher with her students on a train to a nazi concentration camp fed all the kids and herself cyanide. i can understand suicide in such a situation. or assisted suicide for a terminal patient who has nothing to look forward to but pain. i just hate the possibility that you could be giving yourself a permanent solution for a temporary problem. i also hate that you are blaming yourself. from what i've read of your posts, you are an articulate, reasonable person. relationships are two-way streets. when things don't work, it's rarely just one person's fault.

So I'll just say I hope you feel better soon and don't have to continue to feel this way.

I'll also say be extremely careful about tapering antidepressants.

I just don't think suicide serves any purpose....and it lessens the chance for your future happiness considerably.

I have personally seen my depression end and I do not believe it can't happen to you. But when it does maybe striving to do something meaningful could work and once you come out of this area that you are in now, the fact is you never know what could happen. You might find you can be helpful to those who have gone through similar strife that alone my be a reason to remain alive.

This is why I wish you can find a job counseling people in some way.

How you relate to that old guy is confirmation of this.

...what's the story behind this meth dealer.

OMG. I don't know if he moved in to this building because there were a lot of addicts here, or if he turned them into addicts after he moved in. I can't see the situation continuing as it is. The police are here twice a week because someone is freaking out in the parking lot.
He is a scary dude. I wouldn't cross him. I hear people without cash begging him to give them something. People's cries and screams echoing through the walls.
There are people coming and going all the time across the hall, some stay for a few days, but people knock on his door at least twice an hour 24 hours a day. Arguments and shouting all the time. I leave my fan on which drowns out the noise.
Like I said, the situation is explosive and can't last long. They are dealing over the fence onto the side street, which is a nice neighbourhood. People notice this stuff.
It is certainly an education in the underclass, of which I seem to be a part.
Anyway, they are going to be adding an addition to the building and renovating the whole thing. So it's only a matter of time before things change.

Seems kind of dangerous to be honest at least that is how I might find it.

I can certainly see why this old guy is frustrated.

Are any of the people that knock on this guy's door your neighbours?

It is. He's not the only dealer in the building either. There's a guy down the other wing that deals out of his window.


For sure. Like I said though, things will change.

It looks like they have some heavy troubles they are going through as well.

Have you talked to any of your neighbours who are also drug addicts.

They are not big talkers. Most of them are pretty stuck in their own head. I smile and say hi and they respond in kind. Some of the more severely ill are lost in their own world. They don't even see others.

Kind of reminds me of an experience I had in San Francisco. Basically I saw this person shirtless intensely scratching themselves whilst remaining completely obliovious to traffic. That and seeing many other people affected my view of the city.

San Francisco or cities in general. I would like to live in cottage country myself. I little house by a lake. Away from the unpleasantness that life has to offer.

^^^I live in the sticks away from most people, in a tin can surrounded by tall trees and dense brush. it is therapeutic. I hope you can find something like this for yourself as well.

Have you thought about making that your goal?