Right to not be touched as an adult

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I've just left a church I liked because an older man won't respect my request to no longer be touched by him. (Some hugging is common there but most people seem to ask, either verbally or nonverbally in a sort of exaggerated way.) Numerous other women have been upset by him. Handshakes went to hugging then to kissing, all very fast, no chance to avoid.

I asked the man directly to stop, didn't help, then asked the church leadership; they initially talked to the man but his behavior just got more subtle. After I communicated that, the minister indicated to me that no amount reports of such unwanted contact from me or others would result in anything other than requests to the man; the idea seemed to be that the man deserved help and being in the community too. I'd told the minister about being autistic.

I basically freaked quietly, left the church. (Lots of activities, people I like there, large loss for me; building contacts is hard for me.) But there was a panicky feeling; the lack of ability to stop that touch has affected me worse than anything in a long time. The contact was causing me worse and worse stress but also the statement by the minister that no amount of that unwanted contact would cause (real) intervention.

I'm really still feeling that panicky feeling any time I think about that situation now. Is this related to autism; the lack of control over a sensory thing, touch, boundary violations, maybe? I know many autistic people have problems with touch from other people, but then do violations of the boundaries "normally" then cause this kind of panic feeling?

My sense of safety is partly because I felt like I know the "rules" now as an adult...

I generally shutdown if too tired, overwhelmed etc, and go on autopilot until that fries too; don't remember ever a meltdown, but am wondering if this was closer to the latter, if emotions are too strong. Thank goodness it wasn't at a job, but it is still a large loss.

I feel the church's actions were unjust for me and the others affected, but this emotional reaction is really hard for me to deal with still. I just had to leave and to stay vaguely functional feel I really just can't talk to these people, which has not happened to me in decades.

Thank you for any thoughts on this...

What he is doing is technically assault. You could take legal action against him.

Some people are like that.



What you do is say, "If you touch me again I'm going to slap you in the face." And then if he touches you again, you slap him in the face. Be sure to have witnesses present on both occasions.

Work out a graduated list of limits to use in future. It could include something like "if you force unwanted attention or touch me again, despite my requests to you to desist these behaviours, I will seek a restraining order". All of them need to be in expressed in if/then terms, and they must be consequences that you can and will carry out.

Thank you for the replies; I know that in this country it's technically assault, and I mentioned that to the minister. It's complicated for me by my very strong reaction though, and other likely results of such action that I'd rather leave off the internet.

I am recently diagnosed and still trying to figure a lot out, like my very strong emotions (and coping methods I can't get myself to type here this morning but stuff many autistic folks do that upset neurotypicals, and I guess me too.)

Are these kinds of events and feeling overwhelmed by the emotions something that might push my usual "shutdown" tendencies into more meltdown territory? Sorry if it seems a dumb question.

I struggle with lines. I was in a line a restaurant and the guy behind me was standing so close behind me that he was touching me.

I put in my earbuds and was looking at my phone trying deal with the situation and I didn't hear the lady at the counter ask for my order, so this guy decided it was OK to grab my arm.

I almost hit him, and I was going to break his arm that he used to grab me.

This was two weeks ago and I decided then that I need to tell people to give me space and if they don't, I will file a legal complaint.