Parents dying in childhood

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Hi,

I would like to talk to some people who have lost a parent when they were still a child.

My father died suddenly when I was 14, which is 9 years ago. I thought I had 'gotten over it' pretty well, but now I see that I have in fact just been avoiding the subject and pushing it all away in my mind. I never wanted to see pictures of him, for example. He felt like a stranger to me. I even felt bad because I wasn't 'grieving' enough, you know? But now it kind of hit me all at once, which I believe is caused by me starting therapy for depression and going through my past with my therapist. Right now it feels like my father died just yesterday and I'm going through all the emotions I probably should have had right after his death, instead of just emptiness. I realise now that I closed myself off emotionally after it happened and how empty I've often felt ever since.

So, if anyone here has lost a parent: how old were you, and how did you 'get over it'? How do you feel about it now? How do you think it changed you and your life? I just want to talk about it with some other people. I never really did because I was so deep in denial.

This is an interesting question... I'm not quite sure how to answer this...

My mother died when I was only a baby, a week after I was born in fact. I don't remember her at all even though my father has told me that I did actually "meet" her at some point, whatever that means. My mother's death nearly destroyed my father and if he hadn't remarried when he did I'm not sure he would even be here today. As far as I'm concerned my stepmother is my mother because she's the one who raised me and she's the person I've been calling "Mom" since I was 3. However that doesn't mean I don't wonder about my birth mother sometimes.

Even more now lately I feel like there's a part of me missing and I don't have a clear picture of who I am as a person. I think it has a huge impact on me as a person because I am terrified of becoming a mother myself and I don't want to leave my kids alone in this world the same way she did. That's why I'd rather adopt than have any biological children. I also tend to empathize with fictional characters that have lost their mothers like Chuckie Finster and Littlefoot. And I think in general I tend to gravitate more towards women and desire more for a closer emotional and psychological bond with members of my own sex because of having lost my mother so young. It seems now more lately I prefer the company of women than men even though I don't mind having guy friends. But I can't really see myself being with anybody right now, let alone guys.

I think my stepmother's strong personality has had a huge effect on me because I've turned out to be a strong-willed and stubborn person with a desire to live a self-determined and independent life and in some ways I admire her. And I used to think that it didn't bother me so much because it was just something that happened in my life but now I've realized it's been festering in my subconscious for a long time and it's starting to really affect my psyche. I sometimes wonder if my mother would have been proud of me if she were still alive and a part of me is kind of angry at her because I feel like she still had so much to live for and she ended up succumbing to complications from childbirth because she wanted a kid so badly. And a part of me also feels really guilty because I feel like it's my fault that she's dead in the first place, as stupid as it sounds.