21 years old, senior in college. Ready to die.

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Everything sucks lol

I'm going to be screwed in the real world for having 0 internship/job experiences; the career advisers at my school literally didn't even know what to tell me. I don't have a great gpa either and I don't *love* my major, which I'm currently doing rather poorly in - due to a lot of procrastinating.

But that's not really the point.

I'm just tired of life. It's been becoming more obvious how pointless everything is and how much time I've wasted doing nothing. I've been commuting my 4 years in college, but I truly haven't experienced anything. I didn't come in with high expectations or anything yet I'm still disappointed.

Autism has been a real eye opener. Not only am I very cautious/wary lately when it comes to any rare moment of having to talk to people, but its also quite apparent to others. People will sense something is off with me and just act funny with me. I also messed up with something/someone freshman year and have somewhat of a reputation for it; which further makes me wary to even consider to try to approach anyone (I have to try to approach people because no one ever tries to approach me).

For a while, I've thought that having my own family and raising a kid was something to look forward to, but I've become more aware of how unrealistic that is. I don't necessarily have to go through years of dating (I'd like to, but the opportunity never came) as my culture follows an arranged marriage tradition (which may have bothered me before but I'm quite open to it now). But I've realized how unrealistic it is that any man and his family would agree to marry me because I truly have no redeeming qualities. I can't even cook. I'm also not the most feminine nor in a great shape. And I also think that if a proposal happened, it would be retracted immediately upon first meeting, just because of how awkward I am with small talk and eye contact , etc.

I was looking forward to raising a kid, but now that I think of it, I think I have a strong likelihood of passing on autism to my offspring. And to be honest, I was hoping of being able to raise a normal family; I'd hate if my kid were to have the same experience I did in school and life in general. I don't mean that I'd try to vicariously live through my kid, but it would be nice if he/she had a different experience than I did and would be happy in life.

My younger brother is a junior in high school and he's very smart actually (doing much better than I did) and is somewhat active with extracurriculars; he actually has goals of what colleges he wants to go and what he wants to study (whereas I gave up and was more surprised upon high school graduation that I hadn't killed myself yet). My brother actually has friends and he goes out fairly regularly (no girlfriend though, still shy, talks in a weird high pitched voice if he's ever answering the phone or talking to some sort of authority in person) and his stimming absolutely annoys me.
As a kid, he used to always pace around the house making noises/reactions while he pretended to be a pokemon or whatever, but the past few years the stimming has gotten more ... intense? I don't know what he fantasizes about, but sometimes he just aggressively speed paces, makes sounds, does some sort of whispering/humming and it just seems psychotic honestly. He does this daily, I'll see him in mornings before he goes off to school doing it for like 30 minutes. And he'll do it several more times when he comes home. I legitimately feel triggered when he stims, and recently I'd just go straight to my room and turn the radio on for a bit just to calm myself down and fight back tears because it hurts me. It's dumb that it hurts me, he's really causing no harm to anyone, but I can't fathom the thought of having a kid that acts like that [no offense]. My parents don't say anything about it either; we all just call it his "exercise", but it drives me mad when I see him doing it even with visitors in the room (he usually does it across the room and paces back and forth in a line, otherwise he'll do it in the kitchen where he can go round in circles). Sometimes I just stare at him, to try to hint him to stop, and he'll look at me and just keep going. I never want to mention autism to him because I don't want to hurt his self-esteem; he's doing well in school and the stimming is causing no one actual harm - it's just me being unreasonably pissed off at him. But anyway there's probably a strong likelihood my kid would have autism too, and I'd just like to avoid this cycle.

This isn't about my brother though. I'm just so tired with life and I feel like my life is essentially over. I was supposed to have "met like-minded people" in college, but I've met no one. My anxiety has gotten worse. Depression has reached new lows. My speech impediment may have gotten worst (stuttering has moreorless transitioned to slurred speech w/ the occasional cracked voice), simply because I rarely talk and am stuck inside my head all the time.

I just can't believe I'm a senior and this chapter in life, college, is over.

My mind is all over the place and I can't think straight so sorry if this is disorganized; which is another issue - I have trouble putting words together. I'm just trying to vent. Feel free to ask for any clarifications if you'd like.

I can see why you'd be disappointed with your experiences so far. Have you considered seeing a therapist? The right therapist can help tremendously.

What would you want as a career? It's not too late to get internships.

Your freshman year experience sounds bad, and you're brave as you continue to approach people.

I don't think I'm ready for therapy, because I don't think I'm ready for help. I'd been using my school's psychiatrist services last year, had weekly one-on-one sessions with a grad student, but it was CBT and I found the assignments pointless - wasn't taking it seriously, so it was useless. I also wasn't very comfortable with the fact that our sessions was voice-recorded, so I didn't really talk much with him.

I was later scheduled to meet with one of the senior heads weekly during the summer, but I stopped going because I just wasn't really responding to our meetings. It was the same CBT stuff, with me listing goals I'd like to accomplish - which at the time, I said I just wanted a part-time job, and I lied in our followup meetings by saying I had applied to x amount of places. I don't know what my problem is, but I couldn't get myself to actually apply anywhere. Just spent the week at home watching tv/movies.

Career-wise, what I'm studying is business and I.T. related. Business is all about networking which just sucks for me. My school provides networking opportunities but I have way too much anxiety. Still having trouble trying to apply for internships because I'm dreading the interview process; I don't know how I'd explain myself and why I haven't done anything yet, I just seem like a horrible candidate.

Voice-recorded therapy sessions would be a little embarrassing I think, depending on who they played the recordings to. Maybe because you told them you'd achieved milestones toward your goals, they couldn't help you further with motivation. Also, there are other types of therapy, and it doesn't sound like they addressed your social issues did they?

Have you tried other techniques, like meditation? Is there a possibility that medications might help?

Please don't give up on yourself. Your life is worth the hard work.

If I read your initial post correctly, you have been living at home the whole time you were in college. This is a big reason why you didn't have more typical college experiences, from dating, to spontaneous parties, to making friends, to networking even.

Don't give up on life before you at least try to experience it. After you graduate, get a job, any job, and move out of the parents' house. Although you probably can't afford your own place, roommate situations are plentiful around colleges and elsewhere, too, and this will give you opportunities to socialize. You may feel anxious about it, but that's okay - do it anyway.

You need to learn to be more assertive - for instance, in telling your therapists and counselors what you need from therapy. The act of discussing your wishes is actually a social interaction, and you will grow from that alone.

Thinking "well I can always die" is a crutch that allows you to escape actually improving anything, or even trying to. Throw away that crutch. You might fall down a few times, but that's growth.

I feel optimistic that there are loads of good things in store for you. Just hang in there, baby. Wishing you good luck.

Having been the employing supervisor for a few of my jobs, I learned that the old advice of "unless you plan on working in the professions (law, medicine, architecture and dentistry), you don't need a specific academic degree." Any old degree in epic poetry will suffice for all the remaining careers. In fact, graduating with a degree isn't that important, either. I never graduated college, and no employer ever asked to see any proof that I had "studied political science" at my university as my resume stated; though several lawyers and lawmakers asked where I had studied law. I never asked about the degrees or GPAs of my employees; I didn't care. I wanted them to convince me with their knowledge, not a piece of paper.

That said, it is great to have a degree. It does help, just not as much as others think it does. Don't let all the expectations of your friends, family members and professors drag you down. Do your best, get your degree and, you will soon realize that just having a degree is the thing most people care about.

Good luck!

Then why do so many people get nonproffesional degrees?

Because many people aren't cut out to go through the rigors of being a doctor or a lawyer--especially a doctor.

Going to school to be a doctor is hard work. And afterwards, you have large loans, and you have pay for malpractice insurance.

There's a side of me which always wanted to be a doctor. I loved doctor shows as a kid. I enjoy reading about the accounts of interns and residents who ply their trade in hospitals.

But I don't believe I can handle the rigors of medical school.

You need help! That's going to come first. I REALLY wouldn't career plan while you are as depressed as you are. You'll end up training to do something horrible. Lots of people get out of collage and have a hard time figuring out what to do next. Most of the time, you'll get some entry level job and hate it for a while, but then you'll discover something that's a better fit. And then you'll have a focus and everything will get much easier.

There are other therapeutic methods, if you care to try therapy again. Or you can go the alternative route. I did yoga when I was going through a depression at your age and it saved my life. To be fair, it was more about the teacher having a magical way about her and less about any generic yoga being a cure for depression. She was a very gentle person who showed me with actions instead of words what it is to be gentle with myself.

And there is medication. I use St. John's Wort, as it is herbal and therefore accessible to anyone without a prescription. Its also the only thing I can tolerate. Pills just give me too many side effects.

Honestly, if you continue down this path, you aren't going to find sweet relief through suicide. You are going to find hospitalizations, forced treatments, and years of heartache. If you need a hospital, that's OK. I don't mean to imply its not. I'm just saying that most people who spent time in a psych hospital will tell you that it was needed, but very uncomfortable and they hope they never have to go back.

So take care of this now. Depression is progressive. That means that if you leave it alone, it is likely to get worse. Don't let that happen. I know you don't feel like doing anything right now. But you have to force yourself to reach out for some help.

So in that case don't get a degree right?

If you're going to have a nonproffessional career is it nessessary to have something like an English major?

In the US, it's much better to get a degree, any degree.

As AspieUtah noted either here, or in another thread.

The doctors or therapist appointments which I've had in the past which were recorded on either audio or video, I was always given thr option to opt out. I would ask if that is an option for you because you clearly need some ongoing mental health support.

My sympathetic answer is because it helps their careers somewhat (even though it has been proved that the financial benefits of a degree wear off after just several years). My cynical answer is that the diploma industry is a racket and employers know this, but play along because even they kinda, sorta, believe that anyone who has some college under their belt is a better worker than someone who doesn't.

In simple terms, the unemployment rate amongst people with only high school diplomas is TWICE to THREE TIMES that of people within college degrees

Source: US Census

Are they more likely to be unemloyed because they don't have a college degree or because they're lazy? Someone who's too lazy to go to college won't do very well at gaining employment but someone who works hard would be more inclined to go to college yet that same person would still do better in the job market than the lazy person even without a degree.Good idea but be very careful choosing a roommate. I've had some bad experiences with roommates.

Many jobs require a college degree these days. A pretty decent percentage, actually, from my observation.

Especially decent ones.