Ruining my families lives, see no way out.

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Where the hell I'll go, I don't know.

I'm 22. I've struggled since day one. Never really been able to get anything quite right. I never take responsibility for anything. My parents want me to be able to think straight, contribute in the house, get things done, get my life sorted out, but it never ever seems to happen, because I don't try

Honestly I don't see a point in trying. I do dishes in the house, do some laundry now and again, and generally do stuff (begrudgingly) when I'm asked to. I can't seem to take responsibility. I'm a spoilt brat who has absolutely nowhere he can run to anymore. I've constantly been a drain on resources and family morale, and I just can't do ANYTHING. I don't want to do ANYTHING. I just want to rot away and my parents just won't let me. They do care about me, but all I seem to do is frustrate, anger, and depress them.

I'm not going to try and make myself look like a good person because I know I'm not. There are people my age with jobs and their own flats, there are people my age who hold down jobs. But all I seem to do is sit around all day, watch anime, and nothing else. I don't even keep my own room clean.

It makes no sense to me, that I can't seem to take responsibility for myself, even though I'm intelligent (according to others at least, it doesn't feel that way on this end at all. I feel like a moron) I can seem to get up to go to a f*****g comic convention, yes, but I can't seem to get up to help my parents clean the f*****g house. This isn't my disability, this is just me. Only me.

I have no idea what I'm going to do. My relationship with my parents has never, ever been this bad, and I want it to get better but I can't get over myself and do what they tell me, or do anything myself without being asked first.

I'm feeling trapped and I see very little in ways out. The only routes I see for myself after my parents are gone are, being homeless, going to prison, or being a burden on my siblings, making their lives hell too.

Everybody tries so hard for me, but I can't even seem to get up on a morning to get the dishes done for my mother coming back from work. My parents have tried everything. Being nice to me, being tough with me, threatening to kick me out, and nothing works. I just stay in a constant mire of browsing the internet, holing myself up in my room or going out with the few two or three friends I do have on weekends. Those are my only outlets. I don't have enough motivation to invest time in my hobbies, or get anything at all done.

I'm beginning to seriously see no way out. And I can't commit suicide, that's just not an option. I feel like I was put here to suffer, and the most f*****g ironic thing is that it's me causing my own suffering, but I can't seem to stop myself.

I'm sorry wrongplanet. I haven't posted here in a long, long, long time. I spent hours when I was 13/14 browsing this place and talking to people. I kind of thought everything would be ok back then. And I had similar problems back then too. But now, years later, I'm still acting like a spoilt 13 year old. I've made no progress.

I feel very sick so I'm going to stop typing now. It's useless me posting this because I doubt anybody else who understands sees a way out either. I didn't choose to be put here, and I didn't choose to live. And with the hard times we're entering into, and how unstable the world is becoming, I'm not sure if I'm going to be around another 10 years.

Goodbye.

Last edited by Kris94 on 23 Nov 2016, 8:57 am, edited 1 time in total.

Sorry to hear you are feeling this way Kris94, you sound like a person with potential, its just that yourself seems to be your worst enemy.

Do you know why you are feeling so unmotivated at this time?

Sounds like clinical depression to me. Having depression isn't a character flaw, and you can't overcome it with willpower. You need to tell your parents to find you some help.

I have severe clinical depression. I've attempted suicide a good few times in the past. I just can't seem to see a point in anything at all, especially household work, getting a job, all those things. I feel like I've already got enough to deal with mentally without having to take responsibility and start my life on top of that. I feel like I'm pushing a boulder up a hill every single day just waking up and doing the things I ENJOY doing, never mind the things I don't enjoy doing or I see as secondary. It may be helpful for me to point out I've had three deaths in the family over the last 3 years or so, so I've been struggling with grief on top of everything else.

But it feels selfish of me to even feel depressed when my family are going through the same things I am, but they get up, go to work, get things done, and I just can't, because I won't. I have a serious attitude problem because I feel like everybody is on my back constantly and expecting great things of me, when all I want to do is survive, that's it. I'm constantly torn between wanting to get better, and not wanting to lose the comfort of being on the internet all day and staying in my room. It feels like no matter which direction I go, there will be pain. It feels unavoidable, and inescapable.

I don't see any psychologists anymore, and when I do see them, I'm so scared of telling them how unmotivated I feel, how I hate helping out, how I hate responsibility, how I just want to rot away, that I never ever really get help, because I'm scared that if I get help and get better, that I'll just end up spiralling into despair again and stop doing things. I feel like if I build expectations, it will hurt people even more when I can't keep up with them. So a large part of me just wants to give up and crash and burn, because I feel like that would be better than improving myself and then something terrible happening and slapping me back down to the same position and mindset again. I'm scared to start doing things, scared to start taking responsibility, incase I can't keep that same level up all the time. I know how ridiculous this all sounds, and I've been told again and again by those who care about me that isn't going to happen, but I don't believe them.

My parents know I'm depressed. They tell me that it doesn't matter if I'm depressed, I need to start taking responsibility for myself. My dad has struggled with bipolar for years and he tells me that if he can do it, I can too, and I believe him. Sometimes I don't even feel depressed, just like I'm a lazy bastard making up excuses. I screw up all the time. My dad can't stand my useless, lazy behaviour. He gets so upset with my behaviour and never helping out that he calls me a c*nt, a lost cause, lazy, selfish, a leech, tells me I'm doing to hit a wall, crash and burn, and that the real world will step all over me unless I change now, and that I'm 22 so it's nearly too late for me to live a decent life. And he's right. This isn't emotional abuse. Everything he is saying is correct. I don't do anything, I have an attitude problem. I hate being asked to do anything, and honestly I have alot of resentful feelings towards him, even though he's done his best for me. I feel like a monster.

I think you've come to a realization that you have to grow up a bit.

Don't beat yourself up about the past. Just try to do better in the future.

You're more ruining yourself than ruining your family's life.

Just get some good Dawn...and get at those dishes!

Have you been to University?

Wrong. It absolutely IS emotional abuse, and your dad's mental health problems are probably contributing to his abusive behavior towards you. And that abuse is in turn feeding your depression.
It is not your fault you're depressed.
You cannot overcome depression with willpower.

Imagine you had a kid with a broken leg. Would you tell him "Get up, you lazy c*nt, and walk to the store!" No, you'd take him to the hospital and get it fixed. You need the same done for you.

Did you miss the part where he said he has severe clinical depression? This flippant advice is completely inappropriate.
It's like telling an aspie to just "get out there...and stop being weird!"

I understand that....and I've felt this way, too.

It's better to be proactive.

I still feel this way. And I still screw up.

But then I try to think of ways to lessen the screw-up.

So I can feel a little better.

I know exactly how the OP feels----because I've experienced this.

I'm not giving advice out of a vacuum.

Last edited by kraftiekortie on 23 Nov 2016, 9:26 am, edited 1 time in total.

I've never been able to afford university, sadly. Plus I'm unsure as to how I'd handle the pressure. And I do have to grow up, alot. Like alot alot. But I have no idea where to start and asking my parents just gives me answers like "just do it, just get things done, I had house and two kids at your age."

I'm honestly at the point where I am going to start getting more stuff done just so I'm not lectured and screamed at anymore, but my problem is, this always ends up leaving my head the instant I start getting things done. So I have really good days, but it's never consistent because I end up in doldrums again after a while. It's very hard for me to think clearly and I always seem to end up making things harder for myself, for what I think is this subconscious resistance to life and responsibility, things feel out of my control even though I know they're not, and it's very confusing. I feel more confused than anything else.



I realise that. He's done an awful lot for me on top of that though, so it's very difficult for me to feel anything other than grateful to him for the sacrifices he's made for me. He might be emotionally abusive at times, but I'm hard work too. I've considered trying to find a way of moving out, but I can't move into supported living because I have no idea how to, and I'm not sure if I'd even qualify for it. Honestly I feel like the only way I'll get better is if I have my own space, and my own stuff to worry about and take care of. Living with my parents just seems to cause conflict. And they're both getting pretty old. I don't want them to spend the rest of their lives looking after me.

Accidental repost, sorry.

Last edited by Kris94 on 23 Nov 2016, 9:34 am, edited 1 time in total.

I really believe you're an okay guy...and I do believe you will be successful ultimately.

At least you're gaining the insight.

Kris, you need to see a medical professional / psychiatrist asap. No shame in that. You say you aren't seeing them anymore but they're there to help when the going gets rough. If your parents are at all supportive they'll understand that your depression needs to be treated professionally.

Your dad is behaving meanly with his name calling. Even if he feels its justified the fact is that it takes two to tango: namely your willingness to change (which is there or you would not have made this post) as well as medical intervention. Skippy is right. Mental issues are no less valid than having a broken leg or a chronic illness.

Show your dad in small ways that you do appreciate his efforts on your behalf, even if its just bringing him a cup of coffee or tea. Small things grow.

You have self esteem issues that need addressing, so that you can take the first baby steps to improve your situation little by little. There must be something you enjoy.

I know how daunting studies can be. They're not the be all and end all of life.

I agree....it's better to do something, even if it's not "much," than to do nothing at all.

There's no shame in seeking therapy...at all. Even eminently "sane" people seek therapy.

There are times when one has to seek to rise out of the Abyss. And to do it actively.

I also agree there's no shame in not having been to University. Noel Coward didn't even graduate elementary school.

But you have to know that the Status-quo isn't an acceptable state for you.

My Status-quo sucks right now...and I'm not actively seeking to get out of it.

But that doesn't mean that advising you to be active in your improvement is bad advic

I do enjoy playing guitar and writing, I'm good at drawing and creative things, but especially writing. I could write/talk for england, but my problem is it usually just turns out to be self indulgent poetry and I feel like all I do when I write about my feelings is feed them, I don't know what else I could write about but it could be a start. My parents keep on telling me that creative skills are all well and good but they won't rake money in so they're pretty useless as life skills.

I seriously do feel like I need therapy, and I'm going to talk to the doctors about it again as soon as I can. I've come to a really dark point in my life and I'm not sure if I can get out of this on my own, sometimes I feel like I should be posting here again to get other people's advice, because I think an awful lot of other people on this site have had similar feelings and experiences. But I've always been too stubborn to ask for help or consider myself vulnerable in any way, shape or form, and that's where alot of my problems lie. I feel like I have to do things and deal with things the way everybody else does, and I feel like that's a big part of my issues. I have no idea where to find coping mechanisms for all this.

By its very nature, poetry is self-indulgent.

Emily Dickinson, for one, only wrote for herself.