Defeating an overwhelming sense of utter futility in my life

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I know that I am a highly intelligent individual, and that I am capable of many great things in this lifetime.

But the one thing that I desire the most is the one thing that I will never have.

That is the approval and the acceptance of my blood family.

And I feel like I can not move on and proceed with my ambitions until I obtain what I will never have.

I know, that is f*****g insanity.

That is why I continue to drink.

And that is a BS reason to continue to drink.

I care about the opinions of people who think of me as being completely subhuman because of my autism.

It does not make any sense.

I agree.

If people don't want to accept you for what you are, screw 'em!

Yeah. My mind is seriously messed up. It keeps holding on to the false hope that one day I might win their approval. At the same time, it is deeply traumatized by what these people have forced me to endure during years as a minor.

I want my parents to take some responsibility for how they willingly turned blind eyes to what I was put through. At the same time, I want them to acknowledge that I never had any cognitive or intellectual disabilities at any point in my life. I have autism, that does not make me stupid.

Most of all, I feel a need to hear from them that the nonstop beatings and sexual humiliations that I endured when I was just a child was not my fault at all. They seem to enjoy feeding me exactly the opposite message.

I guess this is quite obvious, but I really do love the very people that have done the most damage to me, even when I seriously doubt that love will ever be returned.

If I did not care about their well being, their words and actions would not sting me nearly as much as they currently do.

That is one of the many things about me that defies all logic. I should hate them. And I have tried to hate them. But let's face it. If I can not face how I truly feel, I will never be able to move forward and away from the damage.

Have you tried confronting them on the issue?

Not that I think you would find it pleasant but sometimes when I find myself intensely disliking someone confrontation is something that makes me feel stronger and as though I have struck back.

Yes, and they responded by insisting that I remember things differently than how they actually happened thanks to my nonexistent cognitive disability.

That obvious gas lighting tactic is extremely painful.

What they say actually defies all logic, memory loss isn't actually a sympton of autism. It seems as though it is easier for them to pretend such a thing did not happen. I am sure you know this but don't ever feel as though others are entitled to your love because they are not.

Have you tried to discuss this with any other parts of your family.

The rest of the family goes with my mother's theory that I am never to be taken seriously under any circumstances.

I really am the family's black sheep, through no fault of my own.

I can't imagine how that must feel.
It doesn't seem like their is much of a point wasting your energy on them.

Have you thought about doing some activism, maybe trying to help others who have faced similar problems.

Honestly, I have been in a state of unspeakable depression for a very long time now. I am finding that I have to put in a monumental amount of effort just to do the bare minimum to function in daily life.

I am in so much f*****g pain right now.....

And now I have three days in a row of complete isolation to just sit with it.

Do you have much support for what you are going through?

Are you on medication?

Have you tried medication, or ECT? (electro-convulsive-therapy.) First try medication, and if you have tried several and they don't seem to be working, you might want to consider ECT if you have the health insurance to pay for it. That was the only thing that helped me when I was severely depressed, and it's far less barbaric than it used to be. You should only do it if you've tried everything else though, cause it can have a bad effect on your memory. But I'd rather have memory problems than feel like s**t all of the time, you know what I mean?

After doing some more research you should only try ECT as a last resort. First off, make sure that they give you anesthesia because some countries do ECT without anesthesia and then you have a seizure and your body thrashes around and you can break some bones. It has saved people's lives, including mine, but it has also caused severe memory problems and other problems with some people. I met a person who couldn't remember anything of her childhood after having it. However if you are severely depressed and you feel like killing yourself and medicine and therapy and everything else has failed then you might want to consider it. Just talk to a doctor about it and its potential side effects and if you should try it.