emotional masochist

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I think I've gotten so used to emotional pain that I seek it out... I can't really explain it any other way... I think I have forgotten what it is like to be happy if I ever knew... I seem to put myself in situations and set myself up to fall into intense depression and despair...sometimes I even phisically injure myself... I dont understand why I react so intensely to some things... this world is so absurd to me... and I hate that I'm stuck here, with no way out but: death, self-deception, or passive acceptance of the absurdity...

I seek it out too.

Same here.

I probably have a touch or 2 of BiPolar. Some other things became more aware to me recently that may even throw this misDX even further out the window. I know depression all to well. I'm talking the kind that can go on for months. So one day I'm sitting here and it dawns on me. I was protecting it. Pretty strange thought. But I was. It was a comfort zone, it had become that. So when something came along that might make me less depressed I actually was unconsiously rejecting it. I didn't want it because I knew depression so well. Sure, I knew the other side, but very seldom, very very rarely the happy side, which isn't what manic is, but can be. I don't know if this helps. But maybe it's something to look at.

I've actually used these exact words to describe myself for some time now...sympathy for ya.

I recently discovered that I'm somewhat of a verbal masochist. I'm so used to people telling me what a worthless piece of sh*t I am that if anyone compliments me or does something nice for me I usually react negatively. I don't really enjoy being insulted and abused, but I'm completely indifferent to it.

It's not that I enjoy an emotionally/physically painful situation, its that I'm so used to feeling the pain that I kinda get off on it. I become too emotionally involved in a given situation before I will ever seek resolution, and I can't handle it when things don't work out the way I'd like. This always causes an overload of bad emotions; I think other people think I'm weird or unstable, maybe I am. Recently, I've noticed an identifiable pattern to this behavior: I keep on following this pattern exactly. I just wonder, am I subconsciously setting myself up to have a fit of despair because I am so used to it? or am I just sh*t out of luck with everything?

It's not what I aim for, but
it's a lot better than the
feelings of pure nothingness.

I can relate to what you are saying...What I heard is that happiness takes practice and effort to gain...I think constantly focusing on feeling happy, appreciating little things helps...also, vocalizing happiness and appreciation helps....I hope you feel joy and stop hurting yourself...being able to take care of yourself is such an important thing...

I'm so used to being depressed that anything else scares me. Thank you to all the people who've said encouraging things on this thread; I'm going to try to keep those thoughts in my brain as much as I can !

If pain's all you ever knew, you don't want to let it go, because at least it's familiar...happiness that lasts for more than a little while is scary, because it's not you, it's not your life. Depression becomes a part of who you are...no matter how unhappy it makes you, you don't want to change. And even if you do, you don't know how to find the exit of that mental labyrinth, how to make yourself do what you want to do.

Depression is seductive. It's so easily to wallow in it...to just turn on sad music and curl up and make yourself cry, just to feel like you're in touch with your emotional home.

I am rather the opposite
I'm always trying to help people...
I don't know why but I want to and feel I should

I think I might fall in this category
Most of the time I feel so hopeless and feeling so sorry for myself that it seems like I enjoy it, but I do not, it's kind of confusing.