Feeling blue

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Hey all,

I'm having a few problems and I think I just need to let someone know. I'm starting to feel pretty unhappy again. Just over a year ago, I regularly met with a counselor and everything got better. I kept myself too busy to have time to think or worry. Now my life is slowing down, and I'm starting to close myself off from family and friends and trying to decide whether carrying on with life is worth the effort. I'm not really after people to tell me that I have a lot to live for etc.... I just need someone to talk to, about anything, I really don't mind.

I'm off to work now, but I will reply to anyone who posts in about 3 hours.

I feel the same exact way. I have never been to a counselor, but alot of times I wish that I had. For the longest time I kept alot of problems to myself because my parents pretty much taught me to keep everything to yourself so that people don't think bad things about your family. As if to admit your problems was to admit error or fault in your upbringing. So, I was scared to tell people how I feel, even my parents because it never was recieved well. So it became easy for me to pretty much shut up. But then it builds up and it got to the point where I have scared myself by feeling as if I have to decide if I want to live anymore.

And I know about the busy thing. It is insane how when you have nothing to do, you feel this increasing pressure, at least I do. I feel as if I need desperately to do something, but I have nothing to do. So I think and think and I get depressed and I sink lower and lower and feel useless. So I try to keep myself busy. Since 2002 I have been going to school non stop. School year round always summer courses always alot of classes in the fall, but when things slowed down I would feel as useless as ever and so frusterated with myself. So I got a job. Sadly it requires social interaction with the general public and working with alot of those really sociable girls. But it keeps me busy. I pretty much zone out, and I really enjoy it when it is busy. I work as a barista at a Barnes and Noble cafe. But then after work, sometimes I just cry and when I think back I don't remember. But the moment I am in my car for those thirty minutes driving home my problems just flood my head and I can't help it.

And alot of times in this state I just shut off from everything. All I want to do is sleep. I stopped going to church with my parents. I don't want to watch movies with them. It makes me uncomfortable to talk to them most of the time. And all I want to do is sleep all day, even for a week or two.

So I think we have a few things in common and you can talk to me about some things, since it seems like we both need someone to talk too.

I know how you feel....I'm having problems with my stupid skanky ex. She keeps talking to me even though I tell her to go away and barrage her with insults. She used me for a month, and I think she's trying to use me now because she says she "needs someone to talk to." I guess that's all I'm good for then.

Hi,

I'm sorry to hear that your struggling at the moment. As someone who has had depression for years, I can really empathise with your situation.

I'll be around (on an off because I'm at work) if you want to talk.

Just a thought - it is worth getting back in touch with the counsellor who helped you?

Aysmptotes, your parents slightly remind me of my family. I've never been 'close' with any of them. My dad is an alcoholic, not violent or abusive - just works a lot of hours then comes home and gets drunk and goes to sleep like he's done since I was 12 (I'm now 24) . Mother left when I was 3. I'm currently living away from home in rented accomodation, but just cannot make up my mind if I want to seperate from my family for good and mortgage a home. Going home just makes me unhappy but there are people who are related to me, and living away from the family home might leave me very isolated.

as an aside: I was dating a really sweet girl for a while, but then I wasn't sure if I wanted to continue the relationship and pretty much broke her heart. I some how managed to stop loving her with a conscious decision to do so - how messed up is that?

With regards to getting back in touch with the counsellor, that's out of the question. The sessions were at the university that I've since graduated from, so I'm no longer eligible for that service.

I think I might use exercise as my distraction. I've wanted to get really fit again, and now I have lots of time. So long walks and running might be a good solution to using us my free time.

The exercise sounds like a great idea! I hope you're having enjoyable weather for it where you live.

Hi R,

If you go to your g.p and explain how you are feeling they can provide couselling sessions, it is free for the first 6 sessions i think.

I think exercise is a good idea - and there's lots of evidence that it can help with stress and depression.

I'm sorry that you no longer have access to that counsellor - I know good counsellors can be hard to find.

Perhaps it might be worth pursuing rosered's suggestion to try and find another counsellor? Your doctor should be able to refer you, and often there are local charity organisations that can provice free or low cost counselling too.

Yeah, running and excersing always helps to keep your mind off of things. I used to run all the time. at one point like ten miles a day. I was so happy to be able to do that. But then my mom complained and my dad didn't think it was normal. And I just stopped and no one noticed how it mde me feel. I also changed how I eat, for a while I was on this raw food thing, and that made me feel good. I never noticed how the 'normal' food made me feel so bad. Just this overall feeling of uncomfortableness. But then my parents thought I was becoming anorexic or something, so I had to stop that, also it is very expensive to by fresh food, at least on my budget.

And I wanted to break up with my boyfriend a some point. Its like I could have just broken it off and never talked to him again and not feel anything much. I wanted to break up with him because I felt guilty and selfish about telling him my problems, like he wasn't supposed to know. And I didn't want to burden him. And a couple of times I thought we were growing apart and he wanted to dump me, but oddly enough it was the opposite and he kept telling me he liked me even more. But still at times I don't know what to do. And dating a person is counteractive to you wanting to just shut everything out. Its hard to just cut off communication with everyone when you are dating someone. When they keep insisting they want to see you. So now pretty much he is my distraction. When I am with him I forget my problems and we just watch movies and shows. Its real nice.

Well now that work is over and I'm relaxing in my flat, as opposed to driving 50 miles to my dad's home and getting stressed by my family. I feel pretty good.

I don't think I could ever really tell my GP or anyone who was in my life impermanently about my low moods and sometimes-constant thoughts of not wanting to wake up. The only reason I spoke about it at university was because the records were all internal, my NHS record would not reflect what we discussed. We discussed the fact that I'd found a syndrome in the library that described me, and that I'd found ways of coping with life. Things were good, I couldn't remember the last time when I was happy for this long. But now I find myself regressing .

I still feel in control, so I can get myself out of bed and go for a run or leave for work on time, but there is also this hidden part of me. Sometimes I don't leave my flat even if I need to pay a bill or buy food. If I move back with my family, I don't think I will have as many problems with my social anxieties, but then there is the fact that I despise my family - Just being around them makes me angry and frustrated.

To make things worse, I can never make decisions easily - I always avoid choices. I'm starting to put things off until I make up my mind about my living situation.

Hi R,

When i read your last post it sounded like i was talking, i know how you feel about living independently i have lived alone for 7 years and now my depression has worsened i don't always know how to cope. I think the trick is to take small steps on the days we feel more positive and not be hard on ourselves when we have bad days. I can also understand your concerns about seeing a doctor but a good doc will support you however you need, medication may also be offered. You don't have to do anything you are not happy with, i personally have found meds help a bit but it is a personal choice and not for everyone. If you would like more counselling but not through your gp why don't you look on the 'mind' and 'sane' websites, they may be able to help without your g.p being involved.
Try and take care hun, eat well(sainsburys do online ordering and delivery, i HATE actually going to the supermarket) and don't be so hard on yourself(that's a order )

I hope things improve with you soon!