A confession

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Hello everybody.

I have a bit of a confession to make. I have been diagonsed with autism since 1993, yet I only have really accepted it in the past few years.

What I mean is that through high school and college I sort of disdained other people who were on the spectrum ( or were even just nerdy) and tried to "Get in good" with the really popular kids, whoever and wherever they may be.

It worked to some extent, the popular kids found me amiable enough. but no friendship was going to happen.

Part of the problem is I transferred from public school (complete with autism education) to a private school with no autism service of any kind. My parents tried to help me but it did not work.

I hate to say, I almost dissociated from the group of "friends" who managed to accept me, and try to focus upon getting the popular kids to accept me. It was horrific in retrospect and the therapist at the time now claims I was not "Socially motivateD" which was true in a matter of speaking.

I was just sort of disengaged, and becasue there was no autism support I fell into some pretty wierd behaviors that no one either knew how or was inclined to try to correct.

I suppose the reason I was able to justify dissociating from a group of nerdier friends was because I sort of had some freinds from my previous school who I occassionally saw, and then a private school where I was sort of quiet. Its like the private school was an "illusion"

And all this time... I did not want to be with the nerdy kids who ultimately ended up accepting me (more or less.)

The idea depresses me. It continued through college too. I must be awfully unique in the world of autism.

Sigh. Some input would be helpful

I went to state school every year except year 6 (age 10/11) when I transferred to a private school my mum was working at.

The class sizes were much smaller than I was used to, and although I wasn't diagnosed autistic at the time the teacher paired me up with an autistic girl who was much lower functioning than myself. I was nice to her and I included her but I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel some disdain. I was used to being in the popular crowd with academic friends, and my new friend annoyed me. I tried to subtly brush her off (there was a sweet girl with mild learning difficulties who would have been a much better friend for her), and to get in with other kids. I've never been massively social but I liked having friends in school, they occupy your time and your mind even if you're sat quietly listening to everyone else.

The cool kids in school (seem to) have it the best. They seem happier, they have friendships, fun, relationships, and usually skill in one or more subjects. In short they are aspirational, and as such wanting to be one of them is understandable. I can see why you feel bad for neglecting your accepting 'nerdier' friends for the challenge of joining the cooler kids, but I wouldn't get too hung up on it.

That might be a very cold aspie way of looking at it though . As long as you didn't bully the 'nerdy' friends as you moved on, you are fine. Migrating between friendship groups is very common over the course of school/college; everybody is growing up and discovering their personalities, and sometimes that means people grow different and apart.

^ That makes sense. Thanks for sharing.

I shouldnt feel sorry for myself I know. I just feel it was an unfortunate instinct to have and subscribe to, and really not everyone including not every aspie subscribes to it.

The attitude was deeply unfortunate because I feel I am somewhat developmentally stunted because of it. I am trying to "undo" the developmental damage (As I perceive it) by hanging out with long lost "nerdy" friends who I somewhat did reject.

Have to love that about an autistic. One who rejects those who are lonely yet complins about it when people to the same thing to him .

The "cool kids" were always courteous but grew to hate me at some level, just becuase of how wierd I was around them.

Here's hoping the damage cna be undone...