I'm An Awful Daughter

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Hey all. Sorry for the really long post, I just need to get this off my chest, and I don't know where else to do it...or how to start it really.

Lately, my father has developed this awful cough. I'm not exaggerating - every time I hear it, I wince. He's getting really sick, but he won't see the doctor. Really, that's not very surprising...he hates doctors, and he hates going to the doctor's office, and he hates taking us to see doctors...so yeah, it's no surprise that he won't go. However, this cough has been going on for awhile - like two or three months now - and I really don't think it's allergies like he claims. My mother agrees with me. We both asked him to go see a medical person, but he won't because he's "just off the Sudafed now, when he takes it he doesn't cough." (When he doesn't cough is beyond me, but whatever.)

Plus, with other health concerns, he probably won't make it past the age of 65. He keeps saying that he'll live to 104...but I know that he knows that he won't, without some serious changes. And he doesn't seem to be able to make those changes. He's trying, or at least he was, but nothing was happening...and I don't know, maybe he really can't control it, but he's going to die young unless he does something. And this cough isn't helping at all. It's just making everything worse.

And the worst part is, I can't decide what I want for him. I mean, I want him to get better, completely better, maybe better than he's ever been in his life...but I don't think that will ever happen. I don't know if he can be happy or not, because I don't think he's happy now. And he's not making my mother happy, he's like a disappointment to her, and that makes me sad to because life has screwed her over so many times it's not even funny. I think my father's biggest accomplishment in life was marrying her, not any of those career things he's done. That's probably the only area in his life that he excels in actually, career. I mean, he's a great bussinessman, but that's about it. And that's not much, really, because no one misses you when you're gone, except to think, "gee, where am I going to get another engineer around here".

But if he doesn't change, then what's the point? He's just going to go on getting worse, and that makes everyone sad. My mother deserves the chance to be happy and to be in love, but I don't think she's in love with my father - how they even got married is completely beyond me - but they'll never get divorced either. I don't want them to get divored - I don't think either of them could make it, not because of love, but just because of habits and convience. So then I thought that maybe the best thing would be for him to die young and pretty peaceful because then everyone would have time to put the pieces back together and be happy again, especially my mother, but that's awful. I should never have even thought of that. But I did, and that makes me a horrible daughter, and I still half think it, which makes it even worse.

Actually (and here's the part that a lot of you will go, "Oh my God, Heather, quit being so absurd," and I am being absurd, but I know that and so I guess it really doesn't matter), last year my aunt, mother, and I visited (here it comes, groan now) a pyschic. (Yes, it's absurd. I know.) And at the time I thought the entire thing was stupid, but she got a lot of things right. Too many things, actually, for my comfort. Things she could not have known through body language. And she told my mother that my father would die way before she did unless he went to the doctor. Then he could be saved. And know, with this cough, I keep thinking about that, and he will not go to the doctor's office. That's not the sole reason I'm doubting his longviety, obviously, just more of an afterthought. I'm more concerned about that damn cough and other health problems, but that does not help. It's kinda like the icing to the cake.

I thought I was numb to the whole thing. I've known for awhile now that he was getting worse, and I think I've known for a few years that he wouldn't live to be 104, or even 90. And I thought I really didn't love him very much - hell, we haven't said "I love you" to each other in years (I can't even remember the last time he said it) -, but I burst into tears midway through this post, so maybe I do. And now just the thought of lossing him hurts, but I think we will soon. And I can't decide if that's a good thing or not. What kind of person cannot decide whether they want their father to die or not???

So yeah...

I'm sorry to hear that
I don't like my father (I don't want him to die) just go away for awhile
you should fallow your heart on what to do and not your head
your heart is always right-just sometimes harder to hear

I'm terribly sorry to hear about that. I'm sure he'll come to his senses and visit a doctor eventually.

If your father is as old as he is, there is nothing you can do except tell him, once, about your concerns and why you want him to see a doctor. Besides, everyone should visit a doc once a year for a check up.

But if he doesn't listen to you, or your mother, you have to accept it. Yes, you'll hate it. But ultimatums and threats aren't going to work, and are out of line on your part. Your mother may be able to issue an ultimatum, but that would be her choice.

Accept him, and love him NOW. Don't get caught up in the fact his health may be deteriorating, because it just will waste your time with him. Worry is time wasted if there is nothing you can do about it. Trying to control another human being is a dysfunctional way of being, and if you've done your bit in expressing your concern, you've done what you can. Now enjoy the relationship.

I've already gone through this. My parents didn't take care of themselves, and nothing I said had any effect. I realized I was trying to boss around an adult, and that just doesn't go anywhere. I wasted time worrying when I could have been having good memories with them. I learned that lesson after my mother died at 54, and so I have better memories to keep of my father, who died when he was 65.

This sounds like the first time you've thought about your father's mortality, and maybe indirectly your own. This can feel overwhelming. Breathe, and try to deal with the deep feelings. Yes, it is sad. But it's part of life.

Good luck with your father.

Metta, Rjaye.

I'm also sorry to hear your story
How hard are his symptoms? maybe there would be a point when he actually decides to see the doctor
I wish everything works out well for you, and both of your parents.

Last edited by greenblue on 28 May 2007, 8:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You are not an awful daughter. You ARE putting way too much of this burden on yourself.

Your story is very familar. My father was a smoker for most of his life, and had this obnoxious cough during the last ten (maybe 20) years of his life. I didn't even fully realize it until I moved away from home. Whenever he visited, he would always claim he didn't cough at home, so it must be something in my apartment or house. Yet whenever I visited home, he still had this bone-jarring cough. He claimed allergies, weather, time of year, whatever. He would not see an allergist or other doctor, because he didn't see a problem. Personally, I think he was afraid of what he would find out. I tried to get him to see a doctor, wrote heartfelt letters of how he needed to be around, etc. He listened respectfully, did see a doctor (eventually), but only half-heartly treated the issue (allergies, compounded by years of abuse of the lungs through smoking), and pretty much remained in denial that his cough was a problem.

It is very frustrating to see a loved one with an ailment which could be a symptom of something serious, and not have them take it seriously. It is scary to think what might happen if it is serious and goes untreated. But, all you can do is express your concern, make him understand that you are worried, and that your worry is interfering with your life, and ask that he seek treatment. As much as you and your mother love your father, you can only try to influence, you can't make decisions for him. Do what you can, but realize there are limits to what you can do.

As far as your aunt, I am not much into predictors of the future. If anyone could truly predict the future, they would be more wealthy than Bill Gates.

Many things can cause coughs which are not serious. But your instincts are correct. He should find out to give his family piece of mind.

Good luck. Sorry for the long post.

A better one than me. I knew that I wanted my parents dead,
around your age. Now, I don't feel that way. Not for any altruism
like you show either.

Inner feelings are just that. I wouldn't worry too much about them.
We strike for the extreme solutions in our sub-conscious, and wouldn't
be human otherwise.

Thanks Kilroy and Rjaye, for the wisdom...

From what I'm reading, I can sense that you care a lot about your father...You think about him... your heart cries for him...you are concerned of him...he is indeed a special and precious person to you...

Love is a strange and marvelous thing...
We can choose not to open our hearts and not to love...
But it seems that deep down inside we know that we are supposed to love and take care of others...
If we don't, it hurts our souls...we can ignore the pain and numb ourselves to it...but then we kill our own souls, make parts of it deteriorate...we can go on with our lives that way, but there will always be a part of ourselves that feel dead unless we open our hearts and love...
I say these things, but it is difficult for me to open and love others too...I think that's why we have families...to start from loving them...(when learning how to love, we start from baby steps...)
I think it would be beneficial for you if you can find your own way of loving your father...which is first of all wishing what is best for him and helping him go that way...in your case it is linked to your desire for your mom to have the best possible happiness in her life...but...I think your love for your mom and your love for you dad don't have to contradict each other..there should be a way to harmonize the two and love your mom and dad at the same time...in the best possible way...

All you have to do is do your best within your ability and wisdom...nothing more is asked of you...so don't feel guilty or burdened or like a scapegoat...
With love, life can be so abundant...abundant as a fruitful orchard...
When you can love the people in your life...when you can love the people that normally you wouldn't think of caring for...
When you realize that nobody is unworthy of love, that being there is the reason for being loved...
Your heart becomes filled with the awareness that you are loved that way as well...

Last edited by sunnycat on 28 May 2007, 10:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You ask
what’s the point
I ask you
what’s your point
you ask
what type of person you are
I ask
what type of person are you
ask your father these
your mother these
when they’re gone
your questions will be alone
Heather
that's forever

But is forever real?

Thanks for the replies everyone. I was being far too overemotional.

Forever is as real as you'll let it be.

No...there are some things we do not have a say in, and forever is one of them. It is real or it is not real, I think.
Or perhaps I'm still being overemotional. Probably the latter.

“From my rotting body, flowers shall grow and I am in them and that is eternity.” - Thomas Moore

Such a beautiful phrase...almost made me cry...

'cept if the universe ends.

People who’ve gone
leave my questions alone
I ask them with tears
to help alleviate my fears
their lack of response is tangible
like the tip of spears
forever IS an intangible
‘till that spear finally alleviates your fears