This dream I had...

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I had this dream over the weekend that freaked me out. Basically, in my dream I went and read my work performance review (that I was not intended to read). There were all sorts of good things in there about how enthusiastic I am, but how I try too hard and I'm always quoting movies or poems, and how very quaint that is. It made me wonder if this is how people really see me. In my dream, this caused me to have a massive anxiety attack - I ran down the street to my old violin teacher's house and said that I just can't function at a 9-5 job and I want to commit to the carreer path that he'd decided on for me several years ago before I quit (that of a professional musician).

So I don't know if this is a sign, or whatever, but I can't stop thinking about this dream. I'm paranoid thinking about how people at work see me - if I'm that obviously Autistic that they see me like that review I saw in my dream. And I can't stop thinking about how to even begin to go about finding enough time to practice during the day. Like I need 3-4 hours to do anything significant, and I just don't have that time. It's driving me nuts!

First of all: Dreams are basically "bits and pieces" of thoughts swirling about in your mind, coming op in a random way as you "dream" them. So at best, if there's any logic or coherency to what we dream, your dream will at best be a picture of how you think others perceive you -- with all the inaccuracies in judging such social matters that comes with Asperger's!

Instead, have a look at what overt "signals" you may have recieved: Has any of your coworkers directly tapped you on the shoulder saying "Hey, ease down buddy! You're doing okay" (with respect to the overdoing things-part), or asked you outright to cut down on those movie and poem quotes?

I don't know whether your co-workers know how "aspie" you are, but if they do, they ought to know some basics, such as straightforward information works much better than subtle hints with us. In that case I'd relax and await further instructions if they believe they've got something about you to complaint about. I know it can be hard to fend off that eery feeling of "what others might think of me", but perhaps you can get your "logic circuitry" to keep the eerines at bay by going "If the NTs have something to complain about, they should open their noisy pie-holes and say so. Until then, it's not my problem!"

Do you still want to be a professional musician Janika? Perhaps the dream is asking you to review the path you chose, to follow your dream, if it's possible. The fact that you are thinking about it a lot sounds like it is very important to you, which your dream brought to your attention.

Often in dreams other 'characters' in the dream are aspects of ourselves. So the co-workers might just be saying to you that you're doing OK, you don't need to try too hard, ease down a gear.

I really don't think that my coworkers think I'm that odd - actually in that dream I almost seemed to act like a characature of all my worst autistic traits. I'm really not that noticably autistic most of the time... I think it's because I feel like I don't fit in where I work - or maybe that I don't want to fit in.

I actually had to take a few years off from playing the violin in any meaningful way due to a back injury when I had a car accident - that was when I was 17. At the time I was a working musician, and I just thought that I'd never be able to catch up with my age cohort to be able to pursue a job. But recently - like in the last week - I've read bios of a couple of actresses that didn't even think about acting as a career until their 40's and 50's. One of them is the mom in Big Love (the one with the short hair).

So this dream is really an existential crisis coming to a head, and I am not sure how to deal with it.

Well, don't worry. Take it slowly, think it through, however long it takes.

You may have other dreams which point you in the right direction, now you are thinking so much about this issue. Sometimes it's almost as if the unconscious says 'right, we've got her attention now, let's move things on a little' But dreams are never anything to worry about, even very negative ones, (which yours doesn't appear to be) often have positive meanings.

I am wondering...in the dream you went to see your old violin teacher...is this an option for you now, to go see him and ask his advice? Is he still around? Might this be a good place to start?

I've had another idea about the work report too. It says that you are always quoting poems and movies...could this be saying that you are quoting the creative work of others, but your 'AS-ness', which makes you different from your co-workers and upsets you in the dream, maybe that difference is where your own creative work lies. Perhaps this relates to your musical abilities? I'm not trying to push you in any direction with this, but just tossing ideas around for you to think about.

There's two of them that I wouldn't mind seeing/talking to again. One in NY - but her judgement of my abilities has been clouded, in the past, by the fact that she taught me from the time that I was young. I didn't start as early as some of her other students and I couldn't afford a proper violin for a long time, so I don't think she was ever able to look past that.

Then after a few years of hiatus I started taking lessons from this guy who plays in the Utah Symphony, and he was the one who was pushing me to try and get a job as a full-time musician. I resisted that idea for a long time and actually resented him suggesting it (and I made no secret of that, either). He brought it up less often after that. But I ended up "taking a break from" lessons altogether approx. 5 yrs ago because of an eviction problem I was having at the time (wasn't financial - I was renting from my BF's mom and she went psycho on me). It was also right around 9/11 so I was having other emotional issues at the time, as well. I never called him back after that, and I have always regretted it.



Are you suggesting that this is because I view my interpretation of music as unoriginal? It very well could be.

Also, the place I was working in my dream isn't where I work now - the place was where I was working when I first met my most recent teacher. I have no desire to ever work there again - not because people treated me badly - just because it was a sh*tty job.

I've heard it said that dreams are the effluent of the brain. That's all.

Well, whoever you heard say that, was talking b*llocks, IMHO

You and I have talked of Jung, Mr McKenzie, so I assume that you are being deliberately provocative....hmm...Starr puts on half-moon glasses and talks with a thick Swiss accent....do lie down on my consulting-room couch and let me examine your complexes...

Last edited by Starr on 15 May 2007, 3:30 am, edited 1 time in total.

My take on this is that what you dreamed was your own concerns and interests. Think of whether you attributed your own worries to your critical co-workers in the dream, maybe? There's definitely a question of how you want to spend your work time (which, face it, is a lot of our waking time).

How well do you like your current job? How's it been working out, just generally speaking? Does it really drive you nuts and, if so, is there a realistic possibility of getting back into being a professional violinist (if that's what you want to do)? Sometimes we tend to think we're stuck in one place, but we're really not. And, especially since it sounds like you're fairly early on in a career path, if there's something you really, really want to do, I'd encourage you to pursue it. Life is too short (and at the same time too long) to do work you dislike, if there's any other option - and there usually is, though sometimes it's not the obvious one. You might end up in something else creative you've not even thought of yet. This is a good time for you to be open to new ideas.

Who, moi?

- You have mentioned Jong, but I don't think we talked about her. Didn't she write "Fear of Flying

Janika,

either dreams are significant, or they are not. If they are, then they need to be analysed and you need to think about and focus attention on what it all means.

If they are not significant, you should not worry about it and instead focus your attention on how you can make your real world better.

I don't know. I'm just saying "hi" because you are one of the people I like on WP.

Last edited by BazzaMcKenzie on 17 May 2007, 1:57 am, edited 1 time in total.

Thanks

I know I am generally unhappy with how things are going with my life. I honestly don't kow what I want to do for a living other than being a professional violinist, but I don't know how realistic that is.

Have you thought about teaching as well as a playing career? It would let you be paid something while still involved in music.

I don't know how realistic that is or what's involved.