Its getting worse and harder to ignore

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I wake up in tears everyday,
I don't know how much longer I can ignore my failures,
There is no hope,
Life is the same every. second. of. every. day,
I have never felt this way before this year,
In and out of psych wards and rehab and I have never felt the way I did this last year,
I don't know know what having value as human ever meant,

I wish I could walk out my front door and never ever be found again and I just might to be honest with you I have toyed with the idea for a year now.

Also in retrospect, it was mistake to post in the substance abuse thread, you can bring it here cause honestly that thread can only touch the tip of the iceberg over there.

This is no even depression, I have dealt with depression, this is pure death with no hope. Every f*****g thing I touched... died.

I am going to go cry in the corner now...

I'm sorry you're hurting so badly. You seem like a kind, intelligent person who doesn't deserve that kind of pain.

I struggled with suicidal feelings for decades, before I finally found my own reason to live. It's a different answer for each of us (and mine would probably do you no good) - but I hope you find your own answer, sooner than I did!

Do you find any comfort or inspiration in reading the life stories of others who have struggled with similar issues? I'm thinking of Russell Brand, and Carrie Fisher... They make me feel like it's all right to be screwed up, to have problems, and that life can be messy and difficult, but beautiful nonetheless.

Please hang in there... 2016 has claimed enough victims!

2016 has been a really rough year for many, many people.
I went through some things too, only I didn't post them on Wrong Planet.
I won't lie, 2017 looks to be a stormy one ...
That said, hang on.
There's still hope.
And you're worth it.

All I need to know is if its possible for it to get better?

I could use a hug either way by the way

Communication hurts sometimes but I can't tell if it hurts for good reasons at times.

I am going to bed, goodnight.

I haven't been sleeping well...

I'll just go into honesty rant and I don't care what people say, I don't reserve my right to remain silent, it can all f*****g burn to hell as far as I am concerned.

Now...

With that out of the way, in terms of not sleeping, its a huge problem and yes I used drugs today but the effects wore off about hour or so ago (don't quote me please) and its 1:00 AM and I am alone in my living room thinking about the human condition and its not fun. I would very much like to have someone to relate to. I am hurt and I did cry over being called into question but that is okay cause it can all f*****g burn to hell.

I feel like I know what I want more these last few weeks then normal but there is doubt and its not completely external.

But all that is okay I guess, its probably best I don't sleep to be honest.

I literally... no joke... no lie heard a loud sound like a gun shot writing this

Its okay, I have blindly walked into death before so going in having an idea about it is pretty good feeling actually.

Can someone just pray for me, that would be great

I don't really do prayer, but a thousand years ago, I might have sacrificed a chicken and asked Freya to take an interest in your life

I don't know whether my rubbish attempt at humor is any help, but remember at least that you are a valued member on WP. I think your experiences are of enormous help to those who've tottered off the straight and narrow.

In this world, where everything is now measured in money, it's really important to remember that you are a person, and that you are valuable in yourself. Just because people have forgotten doesn't mean it's not true.

Have you ever read 'The Pilgrim's Progress' by Paul Bunyan?
https://www.ccel.org/ccel/bunyan/pilgrim.html

If you can read it with a critical mind, it's an allegory about at man who struggles through a lot of problems that people in general struggle with. The only gripe I have with it is the gripe I have with religion in general; that a lot of religious people are very hard-hearted towards those who don't live up to their standards.

Best wishes! You are stronger than you think!

(hug)

I have a feeling no cares to offer me support anymore and that is fine but I'd like to give an update to my ass-p situation.

I had a good friend who has a very good heart invite me to dinner and I have found... a lot of death and destruction to be honest... but its alright. My best friend is being held hostage for lack of a better word by a manipulative passive aggressive jerk and I am getting a clear picture of it. This couldn't possibly be better for me, he is stealing my friends medication and he has me officially high as a kite to be honest but this is just the support system I need actually.

My friend (not the passive aggressive jerk for the record) has resources, included the cookery resources and I think in terms of getting off drugs, I have found my addiction partner with her friend. Sometimes addiction rehabs have a buddy system and her friend is prime candidate.

These people will only help with resources, so don't worry, I will not get ass-p involved in a bad situation.

My friend has a very good heart for the record,

Exact I think she is high on cocaine to be honest

She has giving me tons of stuff over this last year for the record and we have all agreed to have an intervention tomorrow

I know why my friend is on drugs and its fixable, I am not entirely sure about her "friend" but we are having an absolute blast don't worry

Her "friend" has been a part of her life for 15 years, I don't think he is going to hurt anything for the record but if he does me in, it'll do my job for me.