Self-esteem, partner's (m) parents do not approve of me (f)

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I was not sure where to post this, please move to a more appropriate location if needed. Also, apoligies in advance for the verbosity.

I am a 27 yo female with Aspergers, I have spent the last two years away from home and away from my son studying a Master of Clinical Neuropsychology. While I was away (early on) I met my current partner (20yo M), and now that I am moving back, he has decided to come with me.

Unfortunately, his parents have certain reservations about me (complete with family histrionics) - essentially they are concerned about the age-gap, feel I am (or should be) ready to 'settle down', but simultaneously that I am also 'immature for my age' (I gather they are referring to my life-skill level, but I can't be sure), and that they are worried that I am not 'maternal', probably based on the fact that I had to move away to complete my chosen degree and that my 9yo son (who is also on the spectrum) lived with my mum during that time, though we are regular phone contact (My mum also provides a lot of support with life-related stuff and parent, sort of like a 'back-up', it works well). -- essentially, I am not who they would 'pick to be with their NT son'. Now I say NT, and he is, but it is worth noting that he is quite an empathetic and emotional type person - so perhaps not the most 'male-stereotypical' individual (this suits me fine, I think we are complimentary!).

Ok, so the reason I am saying all this, is because my self-esteem is taking a beating and I am experiencing elevated levels of anxiety. I have a lot going on in my life as I am moving back into my home (Which I had rented out) and will be looking for employment as a registrar (i.e., a very scary 'real job', as I have been very academic until now!). I adore my partner and am very excited to see where our relationship goes moving forward. however, I guess I just feel incredibly hurt because of his parents, partly because I don't feel like I would ever be anyone's 'pick' because of my personality and being on the spectrum - it always seems to be 'she is nice, but ....' and then a long list of how I am not really, effectively, 'wife-material'.

I recognise I have many positive traits and feel that I am a good parent. In fact, being on the spectrum brings many unique and positive attributes to my parenting style. I do, howeverm recognise that the relationship I have with my son and how we were able to cope with the 2-year temporary separation can be hard for others to understand - that is, how we managed well just keeping in touch and catching up in the holidays - and the fact that neither of us were blubbering messes 24/7 in public about the situation (which may well be why they do not regard me as 'maternal').

But, right now I just can't stop thinking that I will never be 'good enough' for anyone's parents, because it feels like I cannot be what people consider to be the 'ideal' women partner - I am analytical and problem-focused, I am probably not super 'maternal' and 'homely' (in the typical openly displayed way anyway), I often feel that if I were a man, this would be acceptable - but it isn't for me.

I don't know if anyone has any experiences with anything like this, perhaps any other mothers on the spectrum or others who have experienced disproval from their partner's parents. I am just after an ear and some support to get through this rough period.

Cheers,

~ Arty

Isn't that the truth. I think you see the situation very clearly, and know yourself well, which is a good thing!

My in-laws never made me feel welcome either. I think that's fairly typical for everyone, not just autistics. (In-laws just suck, that's my opinion!) In rare cases they can be nice, but all too often they are judgmental and controlling, and don't respect a young couple's right to live their lives as they choose, and find happiness in their own way.

The important thing is for your partner to be 'on your side' in this issue, and apologizing for his parents' attitudes. And in time they might come around, and accept you for who you are, once they get to know you better, and realize their son is serious about you, and there's nothing they can do about it.

Not sure if that was helpful but just wanted to commiserate. Be strong and believe in yourself, and know that it's all right to be a unique sort of person, and not stereotypical 'wife material' (whatever that is!)

If I were those parents, my concern would be that there is a big age gap between you and your partner. It would make me uneasy, no matter what your virtues were. Another concern is that he may be too young to really be in a position to settle down, and they'd like to see him mature a little first.

You are going to just have to accept the friction or walk away from your boyfriend. I recommend accepting the friction. It would be nice if the families of our partners always welcomed us, but that just isn't the case a lot of the time. Eventually they may come to like and trust you, but then again, they may not.

Try to keep your ties with your partner fluid for now. He can follow you when you move home, but I would not advise you to get married or become parents together, until such time as you have considered how things are going in the new location. A breakup is much easier before you have those ties, if it comes to that. And if you two are meant to be, a few months or a year or two will not make it impossible. Finally, you want to see how your child gets along with this new person in his life. Good luck! Keep us posted.

Been there, done that. It doesn't get better. After nineteen years, I think I can safely say it does not get better.

I don't even really think it matters much if your partner is "on your side." Mine was initially, for several years, and then the constant chipping away (mostly on his father's part-- he died still swearing that I was a whore, a gold digger, a terrible mother, and generally a sh***y human being) got to him. Which got to me, permanently. I question every decision I make and constantly wonder why I'm not good enough. Apathy was never a problem for me until about 6-8 years ago. Now it's something I struggle with every day. If no decision I make and no action I take is any good, why bother doing anything other than goofing off while I wait for instructions??

You may like each other a lot, but I'd seriously consider making him and his parents something else you leave behind when you move.

That sounds like an awful situation to be in! While my partner's parents have expressed their reservations about me, they have at least said they accept my partner's decision and will welcome me into the family - so in many respects I am lucky. However, his mum in particular uses a lot of passive-aggressive 'guilt-tripping' to try to sway him from leaving and that can get to my partner sometimes (being that he is a very sensitive fellow). But at the same time I know it is because he is their oldest child (first to leave home) and I imagine it is hard to cope with.



I agree with all you have written, I do think their primary concern is the age gap (don't get me started about gender reverse age-gap! haha)- but I also feel they are basing the judgments on expectations associated with our ages and genders (i.e., what he should be doing at his age, and me at mine) rather than our actual circumstances and personalities. I also agree re: keeping things 'fluid' and we plan to avoid lumping other significant commitments on (e.g., marriage, children) shortly after the move. We have also had the 'what if things go wrong' discussion and feel comfortable that we have good 'bail out' plans. I am just excited to see where it goes, I will cope if it doesn't work, but I'd rather at least give it the chance - so I guess I will live with the friction.



Yes, all helpful, and good to get a variety of thoughts and opinions - and VERY helpful to hear others who have similar in-law issues. Thankfully my partner has apologised for his parent's comments, and has been generally positive (which certainly helps).


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Thank you everyone so far -- Even though I do not agree with my partners parents' assessment, I can understand why they might feel and think that way. So I think I should try to take a step back and not take their comments as personally and then keep doing what is right for my partner and I.