After going through a year of social disappointments and hiccups, I hoped something inside me would decide "Enough!" and I would break the vicious cycle I have been stuck in for so long. But once again, my shyness and anxiety have caused history to repeat itself.
I sometimes buy manga at a Barnes and Noble about twenty or so minutes from me and the cashiers are usually young women who I find attractive but my fear of being rejected keeps me from trying to make new connections. One of the last times I was there, a series (Fairy Tail) I was buying caught the cashier's eye and she asked me if I just started reading it. I told her I followed it online but was starting to buy the books and asked her how long she had been a fan of the series herself. While this was going on, a part of me wondered if I should've tried to establish a friendship with her but another part of me said it wasn't a good idea since we were both strangers to each other. It's a mental tug-o-war that I've had countless times come up and the latter tends to win out.
I had it happen again a while ago. I was buying more manga with another attractive cashier and I told her I hoped BnN would keep up the buy 2, get 3rd free deals. She said it would be ending on Monday and she did some shopping for herself. I asked her what she bought and it was a manga series (Boku no/My Hero Academia) as well. I told her I liked that one and she asked me if I liked the anime of Soul Eater (what I bought during this time). I told her I am only familiar with the manga but due to the library copies getting stolen constantly, I decided to start buying it. We both became suddenly silent and my mind started racing to come up with something to either keep the conversation going or to end it. I stupidly ended up saying "Nice to meet you!" and gave her my name as if I was trying to do both options but botched them up.
I've been beating myself up mentally and I hate how it feels like I keep screwing up on friendship oppurtunities that almost seem like the universe is throwing me a bone for a change (If you live in the Bible Belt, you'll understand). I haven't made a new friend in almost seven years now and my already small social network shrinks with every passing year.
14 Jan 2017, 1:09 am
