I wish I'm dead

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I wanted to make a confession before anything I do wrong. Years ago I had thoughts of suicide because I was too unhappy and experiencing peer pressure. I grew up with too many challenges and obstacles of trying to understand what life going on. Being autistic with hearing loss is too hard for me because I always get negative reactions.

I made a lot of self pity and pessimistic thoughts over the years and it's gotten worse recently due to growing negative society influences. It's so hard to stay positive and happy when nothing much positive beyond you. I spent over thousands of hours talking to psychologists for 8 years trying to figure out what is wrong with me, but more recently I have a feeling its autistic thing that impacts on my ability to communicate with people.

I have made myself losing good friends, jinxing opportunities and upset so many people because of my pessimistic catastrophic thoughts and meltdowns. I cannot get out of this negative cycle, because, to be honest with you I have no experience of positivism from the things I wanted to experience. I have lost affection and compassion with people because when I try it has scared and offended friends and people away. That upsets me more, and starting to self pity on autism.

Anxiety and depression hurts, and it sucks. My head tends to trap negative things from the society, absorb them and make a new normal. I have tried meditation, breathing exercises, dating websites, community group classes and sports. They rarely work. This is because my autism doesn't make me to understand their processes; for instance colloquial and metaphor languages as well as body language.

This makes me feel lonely. The more I get lonely as I get older is the more desperate I get. I feel sorry for all of my friends and people I met going through this. It has made you all uncomfortable and don't know what to do with me despite ongoing psychologist appointments for many years of experiences. I have accepted myself there are no cure for my disabilities. I just went into my life, having an apartment of my own, two jobs that I appreciated for, drive and own a car enjoying freedom, able to buy food and spend time with my close friends and family.

That doesn't make me feel lucky, because it will be unfair to many people around the world who doesn't have the same support as me. It still makes me sad and unappreciated. The society is toxic and unforgivable. From my autistic perspective, the way I was taught is dictating and direct. This makes me uncomfortable. There is no answer to solutions to my feelings, thoughts and experiences. I try hard enough to stay consistent and content, but what I need is the things what I wanted is helping me to stay happy and positive. I desire connection, understanding and be there for me as a human being.

I desire a special feeling that help me to appreciate who I am. This will make me brighter and optimistic. I will able to learn more new skills and communication languages whilst being positive. I kindly appreciated to make this possible.

I've considered too. And once you've gone there, there honestly isn't a way to go all the way back. Or if there is, I don't know one. You may always feel that suicide is "on the table", so to speak.
What helped me may not work for you, but it might. I urge you to give it a try, though.
Find one of your hobbies, and then look for a forum for it online. Find someone kind, or who looks kind, and strike up a conversation about the hobby. And just talk with them for a while. They're online, they don't expect you to be able to communicate perfectly. They don't have a face or body language to fail to interpret, and it's overall less intimidating than an in-person conversation. At least, for me. And if you meltdown? You get to choose what you tell them.
It's not a solution. Pretty sure there isn't one. But it will up your happiness, and if you grow to have a real friendship, it'll up your self esteem and support network.

I hope you will feel better soon.

If I could choose to mentally suffer in either of two ways, I would choose the constructive way. Self-pity, blaming autism, lamenting over the fact that there is no cure, etc... make things worse, and I know that. If I don't react that way, I end up being frustrated and anxious. Once I move past this condition, I once again become interested in myself and say: "Yes, life is worth living! Yes, it has once again become interesting!"

I want to die too, earlier it was raining & I want to go out with short sleeves & get pneumonia & die, I always have a bad cough.