Does Anyone Else Deliberately Not Look After Their Health?

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I want to be dead, but do not want to kill myself while my Mom is still alive. She's 74, so it could be a while.

Because of my father's history, I am supposed to have colonoscopy checks, which I have been successfully avoiding for some years now. Not because I want to avoid the procedure (I've had worse,) but because I figure I have or will get cancer at some point and I do not want to receive any treatment. My thinking is that if I get an illness and die, then people can just mourn me and move on.

Does anyone else do this?

You should get checked out and get treatment if you need it. Its worth it. No one wants to see you die.

I am receiving treatment for depression, autism, bipolar and various forms of anxiety. I'm seeing my psychiatrist at the end of this month. I have been treated for depression since I was a teenager. Fortunately, in the last 10 years new medication has been developed which does help my symptoms. Specifically Abilify and seroquel.

What I'm getting at with the above is that none of this has made life worth living. Medication keeps me numb, which is good. Zoned out is what I'm going for. But whatever it is that makes people want to live in this world eludes me.

I have chronic depression, and frankly I think depression is a reasonable reaction to my life.

My mother is the only one who would be significantly bothered by my death. I am not concerned with anyone else's feelings regarding my demise.

Everyone seems to look at life as intrinsically good. I don't understand this. Sure some people's lives are worth it, but lots are not. Why should the wrongness of suicide be determined by those who do not need to consider it. If my life were valuable, I wouldn't want to die.

Just in case you feel like you want to kill yourself. Here's the suicidal hotline number. 1-800-273-8255

Not at the moment, but thanks. I would never call a hotline though. They are idiots.

When I googled the phone number to put in there. I saw that they now do a online chat. But I know you said they are idiots and don't need it. But hey it's cool that they do that now.

Id be sad if you were dead even though I dont know you. It would be sad if you were dead. You seem pretty cool.

That is cool. To be clear, I said I don't want to talk to them because I don't think they could help me, not that I don't need help.
I've been asking for help all my life. It just hasn't been there.


Thanks.

I have certainly had thoughts like that before, and have taken unnecessary risks or been reckless due to feeling like I didn't care what happened to me, I also have been actively suicidal in the past. But I am not really in that kind of mindset anymore and do what I can not to fall into it I still have depression and anxiety issues but I've been able to get more control of it.

Is there anything you enjoy?

I feel the same way - that I'm doing my best to take care of my health for my parents' sake, because I know they would be sad if I died, but aside from that, I have no fear of getting cancer, etc.

Medical appointment are stressful for me, and sometimes I have to wonder why I bother with routine checkups, because I'm not afraid of dying. I've been physically and mentally ill all my life, and when the end comes, it will be a relief for me.

I also understand about suicide 'help' not actually 'helping'. And I don't mean to be completely dismal about it; I've come to my own acceptance of the situation, and it sounds like you have as well. You see the value of sticking around for your mother's sake, but after that, who knows. I get it, and understand that most people don't.

So I guess my own attitude is that one should try their best to take care of their health on a day-to-day basis, and yes, get the checkups that you're supposed to have. I don't advocate suicide, in any form. But if in the back of your mind, you see illness and death as a merciful release from your suffering, I don't think you should feel guilty about that. People with unbearable physical pain are allowed to feel that way, and it's a ridiculous double standard that lifelong, severe, treatment-resistant and incurable psychological pain doesn't count.

Just wanted to say I can relate to your feelings. If this was unhelpful I apologize.

I would be quite sad if you died. Hang in their Androbot, from what I see it looks like your climbing.

"Not at the moment, but thanks. I would never call a hotline though. They are idiots."

when i was 18 and 24 called hotlines.

the first time, i told the operator that my precious little "parents" thought i was gay, b/c i crossdressed. (in 2001). she asked "are you gay?". and i answered "no". then she told me "there are plenty of successful gay people. plenty of girls wear jeans. i don't know about basketball shorts.".

she was trying to say that she was not homophobic. she thought i was gay, and that i was in denial and in the closet.

later it turned out i was trans.

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another operator told me he was going to call 911. b/c it was the youth suicide hotline. and i said i was 24 (he asked), and i was not contemplating suicide.

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granted, those were not the most skillful responses. (fine). but what difference does it make? if someone was contemplating suicide, it's kind of hard to imagine that one phone call to someone they have never before and never again will interact with, will make a difference. and, if it does make a difference, how much of a difference, and for how long? and what is to prevent the next setback from having the same effect?

in Depression Bipolar Support Alliance, someone said that hotline operators in that county had a job description that said they had to stay on the phone for 7 minutes quota for each call.

even if they were to have given the world's best responses, then what? they are not psychologists. they do not interact with you in person. they do not have your case histories.

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Hahahahahaha!!

Funny!!

I couldn't look after myself at all for a big portion of my life, I am often surprised I am still here, frequently I don't want to look after myself due to the turmoil that fluctuating mental health brings over the brim but I force myself to keep to my mantras I developed over and through a formidable ocean. I keep relatively fit somehow and eat as well as my circumstances allow me, I also learned about how hard and demanding the stones of the road of growth are, and never stop fine tuning and assessing my pools of adherence and persistence that surround my pillars. I just seek to ensure I do not return to the haunted house of mental cobwebs which will drag me back to a level of functioning which is more or less not compatible with the desire to remain alive.

I've done some pretty crazy things too. Situations where I don't know how harm didn't come to me. I don't do things like that anymore, I don't have the strength to deal with the consequences.


There are things I enjoy. Writing, animals, learning. But when depression hits I lose interest. It's like there is this monster inside me, the meds keep it quiet, but it's always there, screaming to get out.


Thanks.


The above statement really hit home to me as it is a topic that I have been giving some thought to. I sent a letter to the editor of a Canadian magazine, The Walrus, expressing a similar sentiment (assisted dying is an issue making it's way through our government) and they published it. I am working on a short article on this topic which I plan to submit to their Miscellany section upon completion.


Thanks Shahunshah. I am making progress in my life, but I think I have been pushing myself too hard with my course. I need to step back and gain some perspective. If I have to get an extension, it's not the end of the world. (Trump will take care of that ).


Yeah, their goal is to talk people down from crisis. I am not in crisis and if I were I wouldn't be too patient with them.


From your previous posts I understand that you are suffering from cancer. So my example is quite unfortunate in this regard. It seems from my reading of your posts that your family is very supportive and that you want to live. With this in mind, I am sorry for your situation. It often seems that those who value their lives find them in jeopardy, while people like me go on for years.
I think though, that our situations are different.


I have my own "proverbs" that I try to be mindful of. It helps, but sometimes my illness is a tsunami.

I notice from your avatar that you have seen "The Shining." What a great movie. I still get creeped out just thinking about it.