Question for those experiencing difficulty

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Another topic here has highlighted this again and since it has been under consideration in another area, I thought it worthwhile the asking.
Alexithymia for me means I also lack most of the "social emotions". I simply do not understand and because of that, misinterpret what the other party needs, and am misinterpreted myself - often as cold, dismissive or critical when I am actually attempting to be helpful or supportive.
For myself, when I am having difficulty, all I require from another person is constructive advice about how to fix, or at least improve, the problem. Better yet, constructive assistance. I will not understand nor require anyone trying to "comfort" me and instead respond with confusion or aversion (usually as it involves someone trying to touch me).
I am aware, however, that others are not this way, and my (lack of) cognition in an emotional sense is very different to norm.
That's information - I cannot empathize with how they are because I'm apparently one of those autistic "stereotypes" who lacks empathy to do so.
So - for all you more emotionally average people - what do you require from someone else if you are experiencing difficulty? What, ideally, would you prefer them to do or say? Why do you require this response? What kind of response is not helpful to you if you are upset or otherwise having some kind of emotional problem?
I would like to improve my inabilities and ignorance in this area. Damaging others is deeply unethical to me, and I would prefer to avoid that damage by responding in a way that is natural for me, but may be injurious to an average person. I would like to understand what exactly is the correct response, and how to develop awareness and skill, in order to respond more helpfully in future.
Insights?

A very close friend of mine had the same problem. I think you would fare better in the hands of someone who is high functioning who can teach and support you because they can explain on the spot what you're doing wrong or what doesn't seem 'natural'.

This is how I taught my friend how to use body language and improved their social skills. You really just need to be taught by someone who understands what you're lacking, obviously you can learn yourself but it's way easier to be taught by someone either in person or on the webcam. My friend was a complete robot previously, all I did was teach them how to stop being a robot. It's very hard at first to get used to this stuff and I know it will feel off/awkward but the more you get used to it the better you'll be at it if you practice certain expressions and then it will start to feel more natural as you go on because you'll notice you're making more sense socially/expressively to other people.

For understanding the emotions of others in general, this will take some practice. Maybe start watching more TV dramas as these really helped my friend learn, but don't just watch it normally try to take something from it like why would they react in this/that way. You just need to throw yourself into stuff, maybe do a bit of sociology/psychology research too. Learn off other people, how they react to stuff etc.

Also, the best tip I can give you right now, don't always explain things in complex structured sentences, try to use laymans terms a lot more because not everyone understands these well structured sentences and paragraphs. I try to not do it on here, an autism forum where other people come to learn but I sometimes forget. Try to do it in person too because not everyone understands 'big words' and they just look at you like you're over complicated and weird. Obviously, if you're in the presence of someone of equal intelligence then you don't have to tone it down but it's better to do it with unknowns just in case.

I guess with Alexithymia your goal is to become less robot-like. Try to tune into the creative side of your brain when you're trying to learn how to be more expressive. I would say social skills and generally being expressive and charismatic are more on the creative side. And of course, it's not impossible to learn this stuff just some learning techniques are better than others so don't give up just try different stuff that works for you as everyone is different.

Empathy in general is understanding the situation and imagining yourself as the one in their situation - you would care if it happened to you so you're supposed to sort of express concern like it happened to you depending on how important that person is to you - you put less or more concern into your expression. I don't know if that will make sense but it seemed to help my friend when I explained in person haha. Like if something amazing happens like your friend for example just passed their degree you'd be really happy if it was for yourself so you express happiness and excitement for them but just not as much as them, it'd be more toned down, unless you're really close to that person then you'd probably be expected to be just as excited.

I hope some of this made sense and helped a bit. Honestly good luck with it.

I have the same problem, and have come to accept that I'm completely inept at trying to be supportive. Like you, I care about people, and wish that I could say something that would be helpful to them. But try as I might, I just don't have the instincts to know what they actually want to hear. So I remain quiet, rather than risk saying something wrong.

But to answer your question, I can only tell you what I personally don't like hearing, when I'm having a problem. I don't like being told that I'm stupid for feeling the way I do, or that the solution is stupidly easy. (Maybe for other people, but not for me!) That I should just quit crying about it and DO this stupidly simple solution (which I've tried in the past, to no avail.) Or just, not have the problem at all, because it's a stupid problem to begin with.

So that's the sort of thing I find unhelpful. Basically, condescending, stupidly easy solutions that people assume I've never thought of. (For example, one time I said I was really struggling with insomnia, and someone told me that sleeping 8 hours a night would solve my problem. As if I was a complete idiot to not have ever tried that!)

It's a very good question though, and I can empathize with your plight. (Or maybe I can't, and what I've said here is completely unhelpful - see what I mean?!) I'm curious to hear what others have to say about this issue as well.

I'm not emotionally average and used to attempt to always give constructive advice to people experiencing difficulties. I've come to learn though, that in some instances, when people are experiencing difficulties, they sometimes don't want constructive advice, but moral support. For example, if someone lost a loved one, and was grieving, they generally cannot be cheered up by reasoning, so constructive advice is often useless, and inappropriate. In this instance, it's generally more appropriate to offer condolences and be there to listen if they need someone to talk to. The average human is wired to have a need to confide in someone about their feelings from time to time as a result of being a social species that depends highly on other humans for survival, so the ability to communicate difficulties and struggles to others is an essential part of maintaining human well being.

So where constructive advice is not wanted or inappropriate, an expression of condolences, understanding or relating to their situation, or willingness to provide moral support is typically sought.

I think I may know the thread you are referring to.
Rest assured your post was not seen by me as cold or dismissive.
I was more concerned that the ideas you had formed about the woman I was talking about were incorrect, and I realise, reading back, that I may have given that impression myself.
I have great admiration for the woman (she is a lovely TV personality) and I didn't want anyone to think she was bitching about what she went through - it wasn't like that at all.
Ironically, what you say about 'damaging others being deeply unethical' was the very same sentiment I was expressing in that thread.

I'm not sure what I was looking for as far as emotional support goes.
If anything, I suppose it was to be given permission to feel the way I feel.
Many times, it seems the way I feel about things is wrong.

I think it is important to keep responses genuine. Once one starts to think about what the appropriate response is, it's game over. For me, if I can't figure out how to express what I am feeling or thinking, I stay silent. That can be hard sometimes because often my feelings are overwhelming and I want to express them, but without being able to properly do so, trying and failing will only make me feel more isolated.

"It is better to keep one's mouth closed and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt." -variously attributed

It's even more true for us than for NT's. Many times I've been chatting with people online and I do something like make a little joke I think is funny and the other person says "THAT WAS SO RUDE! HOW DARE YOU!" So, I try not to do that anymore.

(Deleted and re-posted, as I wanted to edit something of importance, and the edit tab was no longer available.)

I am the same, and it can be disturbing to me, to no end, to know that I might have caused harm to another.

I am intrigued by Lunella's advice.

I would hope for the following:

"What do you require from someone else if you are experiencing difficulty?" - Not require, but, I would 'hope' for a listening ear and, if you wanted to offer me ideas or words of wisdom on the matter, I would be grateful to receive it. Perhaps, you would fair well, expressing the same or similar sentiment that you have expressed, here/within your post.

eg: 'I want to be of help to you, if possible. If you wish to speak with me, about it, I am here to listen, and, perhaps offer you support, if I am able to'. Proceed to offer ideas/ thoughts if you so choose, and ask for further information if you desire, or, are in need. Many times, a person may simply want to know that the friend or confidant (you in this case) they have chosen to share their thoughts or feelings with, is there, and is listening, without needing any particular words from you, in return. The person may find you to be the most trustworthy, or feel the closest to you, than anyone else in their lives, at the present moment, and simply knowing you are aware of their situation and you care, can be all that is needed or wanted. I never 'expect' a person to respond to me, in any particular way. Your mere presence would be enough to be of help and affection to me.

"Why would you require this response?"- It would show that you are open to me, expressing my difficulty to you, and the fact that you would like to be of support to me in some way, is (I will use your word) of 'comfort'. Your thoughts /wisdom /advice would be appreciated, however, not 'required'. Whether you spoke to me in words, or, were simply there for me, in mere silence, it would make me feel cared for, in the midst of a difficult experience. To me, this act of kindness from another person is helpful and healing.

"What kind of response is not helpful to you if you are upset or otherwise having some kind of emotional problem?" - A hostile or, sarcastic response towards me, for reaching out to you. Blaming my desire to express myself to you, for taking a toll on you. Threatening to, or immediately, cutting off contact with me for several weeks or months, time, as this could have a harmful effect on my mind, due to the sudden, unexpected nature of this action, although, the effect of this action could vary, depending on the nature of our relationship, and how closely I might feel a bond or connection with you (despite the possible absence of feeling connected to, or bonded with me). Conversely, I would fair best, if you were to simply tell me that you do not possess the ability to effectively, help me with the difficulty I am experiencing. I would find this to be the most kind, respectful and productive response you could give to me.

EDIT: I just wanted to add that I have AS/HFA, as well. I recall needing a couple of days to think about how I could most effectively help a friend with some difficulties that he expressed to me, were becoming hard for him to manage. I normally, don't possess the ability to come up with ideas or applicable words, on the spot, or, off the top of my head, but, it is important to me, that I do the best I can for others, in such circumstances. And, it is of utmost importance to me, that the other person knows that I care, and they can trust me to be there for them, as their friend, in some capacity. Anyway, I do understand, in a way. Perhaps, not exactly, as I am not alexithymic, apart from ticking off a couple traits on the online test I had taken. And, by the way, I just wish to say, that I think you are fantastic. You have been one of my greatest teachers, here, on this forum. So, thanks!

I hope this is helpful in some way.

Interestingly, the responses here seem to reflect what I couldn't understand in the other areas - imagine that, for an autistic forum. Example A -
"Walk, weep, wait and celebrate … not always in this order.

Much like firefighters, we run towards the fire. Or in our case, we run toward reality. There are days this means the reality of suffering. Isolation compounds suffering. Suffering alone, holding onto agony with out someone at your side to give witness to your pain deepens the agony. We are there to give witness, to agree with people that, “yes, this is a difficult place, an awful place.”

We walk into this space, stride alongside to help carry the load, if only for a few moments. When medicine can do no more, we journey and sometimes stagger with people into the chaos that disease and death bring. We walk and weep. Our tears give evidence that suffering can be shared, that it needs to be shared.

We wait. We wait for the moment when we can gently speak the truth that suffering is not abnormal, it is a space we all visit. We wait to tell again that the chaos of suffering does not have the final word, life does – we bear witness that suffering can be entered into, felt, grieved, shared and mourned, but suffering does not have the power to destroy us. We celebrate this truth.

We celebrate the reality of good news. We celebrate the successful surgery, the negative test result, the birth of new life. We give witness to “Yes! This is great!” Good news shared tastes all the better. We cheer because good news deserves a party and people deserve to be celebrated."

I must say when I read this explanation, I didn't understand the point of any of this. All of this would be completely useless and alien to me. But I can understand this is how others are. And we may as well have been different species.
However, since they are this way and I don't want to damage them, and would rather help them where I can, I must learn to function with what they are.
It's interesting from the above responses that what you all listed as what would be unhelpful to you - people who are cruel, condescending, sarcastic, obviously critical, hostile or threatening - I would never respond that way to a genuine problem (calling people out for over-dramatization is less clear) and yet I am still considered hopeless in this area.
Example B - I recently attended a function to appreciate someone who had been instrumental in organizing a group that I benefited greatly from. Since the group was such enormous value to me, and this person had done all the work to make it happen and this function was to show appreciation for all the good work he had done, I thought it simple logic that I attend and attempt to communicate some of that to him. I was a bit surprised to arrive and see only a handful of people had turned up, from what can be a decent sized group of sometimes 20-30 individuals. The others had "better" things to do, which involved going to concerts, hookups on Tindr, surfing, sleeping. This seemed callous to my (probably limited) understanding. Instead of attending a simple gathering to appreciate someone who has worked to help them, they'd rather blow it off and serve themselves. And yet, they are considered by others to be emotionally capable whereas it's me who is constantly in trouble for being insensitive, inappropriate or more commonly, simply void. The inconsistencies confuse me.

Well I'm glad someone thinks I'm talking sense! I just seem to get derided everywhere else for being the way I am, no matter what I try to do about it.

(Massive edit, as I expressed far more than necessary). Anyway, you/your posts exude kindness, thoughtfulness, respect, sincerity, among other positive atributes. I actually had wondered what made you write your original post, because, you always come through as being helpful and quite knowledgable, and you seem to extend a hand, with ease. Perhaps, those who gripe about something you've said, might consider other perspectives, ideas and insight!

~Britte

Last edited by Britte on 18 Apr 2017, 12:17 pm, edited 4 times in total.

I need someone to listen to me talk about whatever it is that is bothering me - even if I have to talk about it several times, over and over and acknowledge what I'm saying so that I know at least someone in this world knows what I'm going through. I had found out a couple weeks ago that a friend I had worked with had died unexpectedly. I couldn't find anyone who would listen to me - even ones that had known her. I guess maybe they hadn't been as close to her as I had been. Not having anyone who could empathize has made me feel completely alone. Everyone else (even the ones who knew her) seem to just be going on with their lives as if she was here one day and gone the next. It makes me think of just how much people aren't remembered after they are gone. How quickly a person is forgotten or remembered for totally unimportant reasons like they had too many teeth missing when they should be remembered for their personality and how they made you feel and their laugh and what they did in their life - like growing their hair out so they could donate it to children who lost their hair to chemo treatments, or gave up their time just to come in whenever a patient needed chemo because no other nurse was trained in that area, or calling to check to see if someone is ok after a traumatic thing happened at work. It would be nice to have someone to tell all of that to who would really listen no matter how many times I wanted to talk about it. People don't want to listen to that stuff though, because it is too uncomfortable I guess. So one ends up having to go through it alone.