I want my heart back

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And everything else that has been taken from me. Im weak as I type this. Ill never be strong again in this life. I had a dream I needed companionship. In that dream everything was taken from me too. That was just a dream. I no longer need to fit in, not in this life. Ive evaded that sunny hell. Now I wait. Wait for something. Just a piece of whats left of what I mistakenly distroyed. Just a fractal or a fragment of me. I know Ill find it someday, in some way, in someone else.

I share your feelings. Sometimes I wonder if it's better to not love than to love and eventually lose. There's no answer. Just grief and emptiness. I move on, but without direction, to no end. I used to believe life was a constant journey to happiness. Now I see life as a constant journey to death and decay. Little things give me temporary enjoyment, but no goal, no happiness. I wish I could help you, but being in the same emotional state, I can't. I can only offer my sympathy. Keep up the good fight, and hope for the best. That's the best we can do.

Tres cryptic. What was the actual problem?

Of course you will, just perhaps in different ways.

Some people like the numb feeling that medication creates, I although do not.

I miss engaging in music and it effecting me on a spiritual level, I love the vibes I get when listening to chill music.
I miss the angry feeling (weirdly) when I listen to depressing and cathartic music.

I miss feeling alive and juggling different emotions and being able to actually connect to someone else.

I miss being able to meditate to find mental places of solace.

I miss being crazy and bold.

I miss having the ability to read a complex manual or scientific writings and being able to understand the words by piecing the segments of the word and defining it that way.

I miss my special aspie powers, like the reading complex material I mentioned, but also the ability to use scientific reasoning.

I miss being connected to my heart and mind together.

I miss being skinny, I used to be almost anorexic (and malnoutrisioned) in my youth but ever since medication I have been too big for my comfort. I hate how it messes with my metabolism and my energy levels.