Angry outbursts and tantrums

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Do you get angry and blow up at people? Maybe it's just one person at a time or perhaps a group, or in some cases, your whole world. I was an angry young man. And back then, I used to let people know I was angry a lot. But as adult life happened, I started to repress the hurt and angry feelings I had because it's not considered "appropriate" for adults to act that way. Not around anyone other than family and close friends anyway. It had been years since I had one of these outbursts, but at the age of 39, I did it again. I was drunk and made a fool of myself. The things I said were real. I only showed anger toward people who have been rude to me, but it still left me feeling so ashamed and embarrassed. It was one of those things that changes the way people see you forever. I couldn't believe that I was still capable of doing that. Well, since then, I turned 40 and have promised myself that I'll never do that again. I'm telling myself that my whole first half of life has sucked and I'm gonna try to not let the second half suck.
But the shame of it haunts me. And here's the problem. The things I brought up were real. It's the social problems that make everything so difficult for me. That inability to relate to people is what causes the frustration. And we know, that part doesn't change for us. So I guess I'm just asking about your experiences with this issue.
Does it happen to you? And what do you do to change it?

I would like to consider myself a fairly mellow person, but on occasion I am surprised at the sudden anger that can erupt in me, although that isn't too often. At one time however I struggled with misanthropy, I think, back in my early to mid teens, due to frustration over my isolation among other things, which would manifest itself in a strong distrust of people and a critical attitude.

Any who, I think the more aware of how imperfect I am myself, the easier it is for me to forgive people, considering I too have done and said things that are wrong and hurtful...

So just as I don't want that to be held against me, I don't want to hold it against others; God willing I will get better at it.

Yeah, I've often heard (and believe) that "a drunk man's words, are a sober man's thoughts"----but, even though I understand the shame, and so-forth, I wouldn't, if I were you, still be kicking myself, over it; I mean, even NTs do it.

I would say that I was a "half-angry" young person (I wasn't angry ALL-the-time)----I experienced alot of the same frustrations, as you, probably (as, probably, most here, have)----and, took-out my frustrations on people, more times than I care to admit; but, I was lucky in that I had alot of people along the way, to whom I could talk, to work-out my anger, and decide-on a better way to do things / behave, etc. Also, I'm, pretty much, like what the other person, on here, was saying, in that I know how "flawed" *I* am, so how can I even THINK-about judging someone (blowing-up at them / taking-out my frustrations, on them) on something that I perceive as a flaw, in THEM.

Here's hoping you'll be able to find people, here, who will help you better understand yourself, and help you find better ways to cope, and so-forth, and thus help you to alleviate those frustrations, anger, hurt, etc.

P.S. Also, I just had another thought..... If you were meaning that you have "displaced emotions"----meaning, that you blow-up at people because of the anger / frustration you're feeling inside about YOURSELF (as opposed to having a short fuse with people because you decide they're stupid - which is more what I was relating, above)----then, I would suggest that when something happens (like when you do something that frustrates / angers you), you stop, right-then-and-there (or, as close as possible), and deal with / correct the anger / frustration / whatever, so that you DON'T continue to take it out, on others; cuz, like you have found-out, it's not good / healthy, to suppress it.

I know exactly what you're talking about, but you seem to have genuinely good character in your attitude toward others. Very mature of you also at 21. I'm not calling you a child or anything, it's just that you change so much between 21 and 40. But I always have good intentions and a sincere love thy neighbor type attitude. But because I'm human and so fallable, it hurts when others don't have the same attitude. And then there's the genuinely mean stuff and other garbage that people do, and sometimes resentment settles in for me and negatively effects my normally altruistic attitude.
So at my age, I'm still trying to be a person who never feels ashamed of my actions and words. I believe you can train your mentality just like your muscles. Not over night, but one step at a time.

Thanks for the message Cat. Yes, I am liking this site a lot because of the nature of it. People who have Aspergers are such a small group, so it's great to be able to be amongst a group of people who at least have that in common. Even though we're individuals, I think we can better understand each other's difficulties and perspectives because of the shared "disorder". (I know some people don't like that term when describing Aspergers)
But the situation is more complicated than being able to confront someone or a group of people. The reason being that whatever the respective issue is, chances are that myself and the other person/persons involved have a conpletely different understanding of the same happening or comment or behavior or whatever it is.
You see, it's that fundamental difference in neurology. My brain interprets things differently from most people. So when/if I bring an issue to attention, there is a very likely chance that the others don't even know it's an issue. Maybe they've offended me without realizing it, and visa-versa. Actually, I know that it is very common for people with AS to offend NTs without realizing it.
Obviously, to really explain what I'm talking about would require a book worth of examples and specifics, but maybe you can understand the basic gist of what I'm talking about. I mean, if I could just talk it out with people, I would have done so but my real life doesn't always allow rationale means of conflict resolution.
I have had several awful circumstances that have made my life so difficult. Very mean things have happened to me that were beyond my control. It's the result of these things that have put a chip on my shoulder and in those times of weakness, I have acted against my character. That's what brings the shame. In the end I know the truth. I alone an responsible for my actions. And regardless of how justified I am in my indignation, it is my failure if I act in a way that is shameful or embarrassing.
It would be nice if others had the same crisis of conscious though. I think it would be a better world if everyone felt shame and sorrow anytime they hurt another person. Maybe everyone would be more considerate.

I actually am a fairly easy going person so that's what makes you think that I don't have a problem. However when I get really dejected or far into my depression I will be prone to the autistic like meltdowns. Last night I was embarrassed about it and I wasn't overly loud (I don't like to attract attention to myself as an introvert) but I think it did cause tension for the waitress. They didn't even say "have a good night" and at one point a different waitress served us for a bit. I don't know if it was a coincidence because I know that sometimes they switch up servers in restaurants but I could definitely feel the negative energy.
I'm not proud of it but my mom and I often butt heads. It's not easy when you both have a disorder.

Like you I've been through a lot. People have taken advantage of me or ignored me when I needed their attention many times in my life so I can only take so much before "not getting my way" is more difficult on me particularly with strangers.

Campin Cat

Cat, this post feels like the exact opposite of that other post you wrote in the other thread. I don't understand the difference. It's like two different people wrote them. Look, I don't doubt that you're a very kind person who I probably have a lot in common with, but that other post you wrote burned me badly. I'd have to go into detail to explain some of the circumstances that result in sensitivity in the area of being blamed for my own victimization in life. I had a terribly abusive step-father and he terrified the whole family into being mean to me as well. I was then told to participate in my own abuse by accepting that he was right and good in all of his alcohol fueled cruelty.
When someone tells me that so many of the bad things that happen to me are my fault, especially without knowing my story, it sets me on fire in a way I can't describe because I know that in the real world, the "good" guys don't always win...the guys with the power win, regardless of whether they are good or bad. But of course, it's a long story.
In an attempt to find peace, I've always had a flare for Asian philosophy and am currently learning about Lao Tzu. I find his views to be especially profound and soothing. I don't know if you know of any of his quotes but I like this one, and it directly applies to my condition.

Because one believes in oneself, one does not try to convince others.
Because one is content with oneself, one does not need others approval.
Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her.
-Lao Tzu

PS I don't go around telling ANYONE I'm as aspie. I only do so here because it is a site for aspies.
I've only told two people in my real life that I'm an aspie, one was my late father who confessed that he was an
aspie as well.
And I don't go around trying to demonstrate intellectual superiority to anyone.
Like many aspie stories I've read, I even have to sort of, "dumb down" my conversation so as not to go over
other peoples heads. I don't want to do that thing were people find it taxing to converse with us because of our
cerebral method of communication. NTs like to just chill and go with the flow. (Even when it's goose-stepping
past the Reichstag)

Nickchick, I've read about many aspies being sort or mocked, taken advantage of and just being plain old fooled around with because we appear naïve to NTs. I know, this is often the way in my experience. Because I don't just "get it" the way that NTs do when they describe a task or whatever to one another, they think I'm slow. They don't understand that since I was a child, I've always had my own way of doing things. It's not because I think I'm smarter or better than anyone, it's just a difference. For example, when I was in junior high, my math teacher made us show our work on the left side of the page and make an answer key on the right. I did so and did the work a little differently than she taught. When she graded the papers, she returned mine with a fail grade. I asked her why, and she said that she could tell that I wasn't really doing the math due to the formulas I had written in the work section. She said that I just wrote random numbers and got the correct answers from somewhere and wrote them in the answer key. I then tried to explain how I did the math and that I did the work myself. She said it can't be done that way. I told her yes, I did do it that way and showed her how. She then okayed it and gave me an A on the paper.
Although I had no clue at the time, I now understand that that was Aspergers. My brain simply cannot function as the NTs do. But I can produce the same result, and sometimes the way I do things is quicker and more efficient. But the NTs just can't see that. I know I'm surmising here and simplifying but it is a good metaphoric example of how my life happens. When the same thing happens in the working world and the people who you're confusing are the people who are trying to train you, they don't have confidence in you and you don't succeed in climbing the ladder the way others will...and it's unfair.
It's been my experience that they'll often make that mistake of thinking you're slow and often times, I think this is how they start having their "fun" with you. You become the person who will do anything they ask because you're just not certain of whether they are serious or not and don't want to further demonstrate your oddness to them. At least it's what happened to me, and it stinks.
I've even been in work situations where I'm outperforming my coworkers when I'm working alone. But then, God forbid, I have to work with "them", then all of a sudden I have to start changing my routine to accommodate them. The work pace slows down and so on.
But the incident that set me off that last time I was talking about was something that had been building for years. It wasn't a random outburst. I'm quite good at controlling that type of behavior. It was just a series of truly bad events happening all at once which made me feel so insignificant and alone despite my having tried so hard to be caring and loving toward a large number of completely unrelated people in my life. I think at that moment, I might have been almost suicidal. Not literally. Not in the way that I would shoot myself, but in the way that I felt so horrible about myself, that I said, "Screw it, I might as well tell them all how they made me feel. What do I have to lose?"
Really, the crazy stuff I said was legitimate. The people I spoke to have been mean to me. No way around it. Things some of them did cost me an education, cost me careers and cost me friends. They just thought it was okay to treat me in bad ways...and in some cases, this was years in the making. What was shocking to people was that that's not who they think of me as. They think of me as the guy you can do/say anything to and he does nothing about it. One guy who was kind of included and is still a "friend" to some extent even called me the next day and said to me, "I'm just gonna tell you the truth, you're the kind of guy who will get his foot stepped on and then you'll apologize to the person who stepped on your foot."
He was right. I try to be nice to everyone and have this sad belief that others will always reciprocate and that's not real life. So although I feel shame over my actions because it did change some of the relationships I had, (ended some of them) I feel ugly about it, but I don't feel entirely sorry about it...if that makes sense. How long am I supposed to just keep getting beat up in life? I don't deserve that. No one does. That's why what happened, happened. But it still bothers me.

Yes, I had a lot of meltdowns in my childhood and teen years. The numbers gradually started to go down in my twenties, but were still going on to a much less amount into my forties. They were caused by frustrated anger at others, by being hurt by others, by stress, and by being misunderstood by others. I don't think I've had a full meltdown in over a decade now, but I do still have lesser emotional moments, generally when I am alone now, as I have gotten better at controlling things when I am with others, but when I am alone, I let myself vent if I feel the need to do so.

While I am sorry I had the meltdowns, I don't beat myself up over them because I now understand why all that happened, and I know it was only partly my fault. Some of it was the fault of others being nasty to me, and other times it was caused by misunderstandings all around, or by stress. My understanding things better now is reason enough to mostly let the past problems go. Besides, you can't fix the past, but you can use the wisdom you've gained to improve the present and the future.

I recommend that you, too, let the past problems go, and get on with your life.