Friend pushing buttons, rude or not rude?

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This is not my worst problem at the moment, but those are too overwhelming to me right now, and what I will post here is just something that none the less is bothering me, as it's part of my inability to tell the difference between what a friend thinks is just joshing around, or what is actually pretty rude behavior you shouldn't accept even from a friend.

I wrote a long, very personal post about the bigger picture, but instead I'll just get to the point.

--- I shared with a so-called friend the fact that I can't talk in a conversation and have music on at the same time.

--- I shared this very politely, gently and apologetically, and he did not seem offended at the time, but turned the music off so that we could go on with our conversation.

--- I didn't make a big deal about it or go on about how it's part of my Asperger's and sensory issues, even though he knows I have Asperger's, I just mentioned "the symptom" by itself on this occasion, and said nicely that it's just my brain, I can't seem to think straight with music etc.

--- But now, he is putting on music and turning it up, laughing and saying "can you hear that?" anytime we've been chatting on the phone and now he wants to wrap up the conversation.



I would appreciate and prefer the usual, standard wrap-up of "Well, Birdie, good to talk to you but I gotta go now, talk again soon" etc or similar.

I know I can tend to talk too much if I've found a friend I feel comfortable with. Trust me, I'm working on not rambling quite so much when chatting with a friend. I do realize and own that perhaps I have "outstayed my welcome" by talking too long when he and I chat on the phone.

But still, I don't think this faux pas gives him the right to stop being polite about closing the call. He now just turns up some music to "get rid of me."

Is this okay? Is this what friends do, as part of joshing around or kidding around with each other?

Given that it's a sensory issue I don't think it's amusing that he now makes this the button he pushes to get me to go away, basically. It's more what someone who doesn't care about your feelings does, rather than what a real friend does.

Am I wrong to think he's being a jerk by using this?

I am going to tell him about my feelings and ask that if I'm rambling, please, all you have to do is just say "I have to go now, okay, but you take care till next time." Or one of those standard goodbyes. It's not a lot to ask.

He does not have ASD himself - he's actually very astute (normally) about manners and the right thing to say. He seems to have that stuff "down" and seems to navigate his social situations very smoothly.

He thinks this is funny (the music send-off). Does anyone have any thoughts? Has anyone deliberately used against you something you've shared is a difficulty of yours?

I was just thinking about you yesterday, Birdie.

This "friend" sounds like a weird character. Where do you find these people, anyway? He should accede to your requests, instead of being an ass. Very middle-schoolish (in a US context. I think, in England at least, that you have "secondary school from years 7 through 12).

If I kept on encountering people like that, I would, like you,want to hang out with avians and other creatures, rather than humans.

When I was 15, my best friend was a Persian cat.

Hi kraftie -- thank you for thinking of me! That touches me.

I too am starting to wonder where I find these people, lol.

It really dismays me that he is using a difficulty I have against me like a handy tool, or like a mean way of training a dog or cat -- it's doing something undesirable, well lets spray it with the water bottle as it doesn't like that.

I'm going to tell him about how I feel about this, but I'm just feeling kind of appalled by how he's filed this away now from the moment I told him.

I had thought it was a good idea to start to let certain people know, when something happens to come up that I can't cope well with, as I've spent all my life "suffering in silence," suppressing my difficulty and then paying the price later with built up stress and shutdowns and meltdowns at home alone. But now I see that even someone I thought was a friend will just utilize the information.

Small wonder I prefer hanging out with avians, haha.

Thanks for responding kraftie; glad to see I'm not the only one who thinks this is childish and being a jerk.

A-hole. Next.

Good to see you, Miss B.

LOL!

Hi nurseangela! And I love your very decisive assessment -- it made me literally laugh out loud!

Good to see you too!

Nice to see you back BIF

Hi B19 and Chronos, and thank you!

Chronos, yes, I think you guys are right about this.

He's a platonic friend who is I guess I can say is close enough that we can call each other about to talk about problems and stuff. So yes, I think I need to speak to him about it and let him know it's rude and inconsiderate.

It really is a rude way to wrap up a conversation. I feel embarrassed at even needing help in recognizing that, at my ripe old age; it's been a lifelong problem of mine not to easily realize when a friend is crossing a line.

The funny thing is, when strangers are a-holes I seem to react with much more certainty, I guess because rudeness from a stranger is much more clearly defined and easier to spot for what it is right away and snap back appropriately.

I think when something "jerky" comes from a friend, the "surprise value" makes me second guess it, is the difficulty I have.

I'm going to call him out on this the next time we speak; I won't even wait until he does it again, I will bring it up if we are chatting. I see more clearly now that it's really unacceptable.

Thanks to everyone who replied with this perspective to give me; I have such difficulty having the correct perspective when it comes to a so-called friend. It's like a form of myopia.

Let us know how this turned out?
This post made me feel all autistic - I had absolutely no idea about the meaning of this, or what the correct response would have been. None. Whatsoever. I have no idea what I would have done if someone had behaved this way around me, if it was rude or not rude, what their intentions were in doing so or why anyone would do this - I would have just been completely lost and clueless.
So if he does respond, can you pass on some of that info? WTF from his perspective?

Hi C2V -- yes, I will be sure to come and update when I next get to speak to him.

I too am often extra-"autistic" when someone does something this odd, and it has happened a million times that I have only realized what was going on hours, days, weeks or even years afterward, after an intellectually-based figuring out of the situation kick-started by just having a "funny feeling" about it.

With this, it did actually take a few days and two more incidents of it for the "penny to drop" -- I didn't figure it out until a delayed thought process about it.

The first time he did it, he made it very obvious and said very soon after the volume went up "I have to go. . ." And was laughing. So I got a big hint from that, lol.

But then on the subsequent times he did it I actually didn't pick up on it (duh) -- until I kept ruminating on it and suddenly a coupe of days later, after having felt an unease about him, I realized he had indeed done it again twice more.

It was only then that I fully put it all together that this was what he was doing.

I am so slow to process this stuff, although, before the moment that I do, I always have this odd feeling that "something" off was done or said to me, which starts the rumination.

It's awful never to have a good handle on this stuff -- it really is an impairment in ability to judge a situation.

Compounded by my problem of trusting someone wholesale once I believe they are "my friend," something else I can't seem to cure myself of.

I'm also beginning to rethink if I even like this person anymore. This is the latest of a number of "things that made me go hmm" and I'm seeing that he's really not a friend.

Is your friend normally a goofball/prankster like this? Even if he is, if he's a good friend, he'll understand if you tell him that you're sensitive about this issue and aren't laughing. I have a goofball friend who makes fun of everything, and he might even pull something like this, thinking of it as an inside joke. He's not mean though, so he'd be understanding if the joke really pressed a button. Especially with a friend who can normally take a joke.

Hi DataB4; that's a valid suggestion regarding being a goofing around prankster, and I asked myself this after reading your post. I don't know....I don't think I would really say he is that type much, no. I mean, he makes a jokey remark occasionally, usually just a play on words or a funny story about something cute one of his cats did. He doesn't really go in for pranky stuff.

Having said that, he does laugh when he turns the music up and asks me if I can hear it -- "The music's on....ooop! HEHEHEHEHEH! Can you hear that? Heheheheheh."

And he started doing this on the same occasion I first told him about it, like ten minutes after I shared that with him.

I get a feeling about him that he has never taken my ASD seriously. I'm late-diagnosed and before I even pursued an assessment, he was the second person I told about my suspicions regarding Asperger's and that I was looking into obtaining an assessment.

The first person I told was educated and a counselor in training herself, and she said right out she had no problem thinking I probably did have an ASD.

This friend, however, said "No, you don't have that -- you're not like Rainman." Seriously! He actually pulled the "Rainman" card"!

He was very resistant, until about two years later I actually received my assessment and an ASD level 1 result, and when I told him he seemed to take it seriously and believe me. I had thought everything was okay after that and he wouldn't argue with me about it anymore.

Hence I felt it might be okay to start introducing some of the coping skills I find I need to ask for help with in certain situations. I've never done that for myself in my life, I've always just "swallowed" the situation that was causing me distress.

This was the first time I've shared with him something I would like to have happen in my environment if it was at all within my control or that of the person with me -- and he basically mocked it, is what I'm feeling now.

It took a while for me to even have it sink in, since he repeated doing this during phone conversations. I don't think he's just in a jokey/pranky mode.... I think he is just really kind of disrespecting what he has been told is part of my ASD yet never really took the ASD seriously to begin with.

I'm thinking now, this is the root problem with this friendship.

Sorry for the long, rambling reponse -- I'm kind of figuring it out, "out loud".

You've had a long-established friendship. I thought this was a person whom you just met.

Most of my "advice" is applicable still---but since your friendship is long-established, you have room to discuss it with the guy. Tell him how you feel. Like you told us. See how he reacts.

I'm speculating that this might be a subconscious sort of thing----perhaps he's not aware of what he is doing. But, thinking about it, I see a conscious component---like maybe he's trying to "cure" you of your ASD through an "implosion" method: through having you encounter the noise so you'll "get used to it."

They actually do "implosion therapy" with people who have phobias by having them "encounter the fear head-on."

Anyway.....you have the right not to be hassled like this, even if he has some sort of positive "intent."

Hi kraftie, yes, I've known him for several years now.

I don't know if he's trying a "cure" -- but if he is, that's very impertinent of him, as I'm of such an age that I have already, all my life, experienced having to deal with loud music while trying to speak, and it's because I have in fact forced myself to "just get used to it" basically my whole life!

And it doesn't work. . .if anything, now at 55, I am thinking I'm doing myself more of a favor by just admitting -- to myself and to others -- that I just cannot stand that environment and can't function in it. I've forced myself to deal with it all my life and nothing will cure me of it or make me okay with struggling to speak over loud music. My brain has never yet been able to handle it and I think 55 years is enough trying.

I had hoped that I've earned the right to stop the nonsense and just be honest about what it does to me, if I'm in a situation where there's any chance of being able to get my wish.

I really get a feeling that he's not trying to do it to help me though, but as a "time to stop you from wanting to keep talking!" tactic. He's turning up the music as a way to make me end the conversation instead of his having to do that. He does seem to have a problem breaking away -- I've noticed he tells white lies (has said he has to go to work even though earlier said he's not working that day, etc) anything to avoid just saying "Gotta go." It's a bit British actually -- no offence to more straight-forward Brits reading this, but there are a lot of Brits who don't seem to have, know or use those scripted leave-takings that American often use very smoothly. I find over here that people will make something up instead of just say directly they have to go, no excuses. That's a bit of a digression and just my personal observation....

Having said all this ... . . .I have an update.

We went today in his car to take some stuff to the recycling centre that we each had respectively. He went to put on a CD but then said "oh you don't like music in the car". I said it's not that I don't like music in the car, it's just that I find it hard to talk in a conversation with it on.

He put the CD on anyway. Just as I was taking a deep breath to make my little speech about that. . . . .he turned it down. He then went on with the conversation we were having and when I spoke in reply, he turned the music down a bit more.

So suddenly he's being more considerate and I didn't get to tell him about this?

Should I still say something? The whole car journey went well because he didn't keep the music loud enough to bother me. I can speak over very low-volume background noise, it's just when it gets to a certain level my brain goes into haywire status and I can't even order my thoughts.

I don't know what to do now that he was magically being considerate today before I had even said anything. I still feel like I should say something about the times before.

What I learned as an adult is intention doesn't matter, how it makes the other person feel is what matters. But sadly as a child we all learn that only intentions matter so when you get upset, you're the bad guy and the bully and the enemy. Now I find out as an adult, all that was wrong what the adults did and all that did for me was it taught me feelings do not matter, only your intentions do so the person's feelings don't matter if they are wrong. Then everyone started to do the 180 on me as an adult and it was very confusing because this is not what I was taught as a child but it never occurred to me I was facing a double standard and all of the adults were wrong including my own mother.

If the guy is bothering you with his teasing, just tell him to stop and how much it bothers you. It doesn't matter if he is trying to be funny. That sounds rather childish more like something a child would do who have poor impulse control and doesn't know when to stop and don't seem aware of how they are really making other people feel. But you think he is doing it to get rid of you so tell him he needs to be direct with you like if he needs to get going, he has to tell you "I need to get going now, see you soon" or tell you "you have been going on for (insert topic here) for the last ten minutes"

And to answer your question, yes friends do tease each other. I have seen it and some even insult each other too. A tip to tell if they are being mean or just playful is listening to their tone of voice. Do they sound angry, are they smiling or laughing.

I think that depends on what you want to do and to feel. For example, feeling explicitly understood by him, forgetting the whole thing unless it comes up again, or seeing if he'll finally take your ASD seriously. Whatever you decide to say or not say, I hope you get what you're looking for.