im sorry, i just need to rant

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I'm definitely feeling blue its due to having this disorder and due to that I'm not seen for the really nice kind caring person that I am and so no one ever does take the time to get to know me and so am lacking in the friendship department. I did have a best friend possibly more than that at one time or another in my life am talking about one relationship I feel horrible about ending all those years ago cause I did something I know now was wrong anyway recently earlier this spring tried to do the write thing cause ive decided it was time I finally apologize to this friend I haven't seen or heard from sine the incident more than a few years back so left a heart felt apology letter at my ex friends door and long story short my attempt at bettering myself failed just don't feel any differently and haven't heard from this person even though I left my cell number in that letter. I know I'm not a bad person, but I just cant help but feel nothing but guilt every single day. I take it I should move on, have tried many times and just as many failures, unable to actually get anywhere, like this, I know joining this site was just a waste of my time and or energy but I am unable to learn my lesson thanks to this disorder I lack that ability to "learn my lesson". I lack many ability's normal people just have and so that is why I'm constantly ridiculed and such when ever I'm out in public pr am around anyone which has destroyed my self esteem self confidence and why unable to make a name for myself or ever be somebody but myself which I am not happy with due to how people see me thanks to this disorder now its getting late and I think ive wasted more than enough time and or energy writing this. I'm a very troubled messed up totally miserable person in need of a friend

Wow that's not a lot of punctuation.
As to your friend - everyone makes certain screw ups with certain people in life that the other party can't forgive. I have mine and it was twelve years ago - I still feel guilty about it and her whenever I think about it. That's not part of a disorder. I'd be pretty confident to say that's just a part of being a human.
Maybe your friend won't want to continue association with you, but you do have to just accept that sometimes I find, and try not to feel too badly about it. It was a mistake and that's it. You're right in that you may have to just move past it.
If you're autistic it may take you longer to learn your lessons, or you may have to learn them in different ways at different times. Doesn't mean you're incapable. If your self confidence has suffered because of your social foibles, then it may be so that people are not ridiculing you constantly - just that you fear they are and thus perceive it so. If you believe your image needs a revamp - what's stopping you doing that? What would you need to do to give yourself a makeover? How could you improve your social functioning?
I find pragmatism helpful rather than dwelling in emotional misery. It may help you find what you need to do to patch up your situation a bit. Just a suggestion.