Summer of the Succubus

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Oh, summer...how I loath you!

Every summer I get depressed. School gets out and I no longer have any social life whatsoever, or really anything to do except sit in my room, usually on the computer, checking web sites that never get updated, wishing that I was more comfortable....

No social life = depression. No girls to be attracted to and lust over and obsess about = depression. Nothing to do all day except sit in my room, either reading or on my computer = depression. Taking walks doesn't help. Going outside doesn't help, especially not in horrible hot sunny days that hurt my eyes...I hate living in this boring suburbia filled with nobody but old people and little kids. I have goals, but actually getting around to them is another matter...especially when some of them seem so intimidating, and I constantly feel tired and uncomfortable and stressed. It's hard to even focus on writing now because something always feels BAD somewhere.

This year it may be worse than usual, because this was the year that my imagination invented her. Maraina was created for two reasons: 1) As the protagonist of my novel "Veresae," which has a plot so complicated that I've been struggling to completely work out all the holes for years; and 2) As a reaction to the lack of beauty around me. So many girls, so few I found the least attractive...and the few that I did, did not feel the same way. Maraina quickly became an overpowering obsession, a hopeless ideal that could never be, from her appearance with her lovely blood red hair and black lips, her perfect figure and decadent gothic outfits; to her personality, fine-tuned to include everything I would need from someone I was in a relationship with--compassion, understanding, intelligence, eccentricity, maturity, selflessness--and the traits I found merely attractive--blatantly gothic, artistic, damaged, confident, has my taste in music and film and art, talented (fantastic CG paintings (think Linda Bergkvist), an operatic voice (think Tarja Turunen, Nightwish's old singer), etc.). What makes it worse is that, apart from the obviously impossible things (such as the wings that she has in the book, since in the book she's a succubus), she seems...well...like she COULD be real, but just ISN'T. I've seen people on the internet who have hair like that (Charlie Drown comes to mind), people with faces and bodies like that...I KNOW there are compassionate, intelligent, weird people out there, I KNOW there are artistic gothic people out there with some of the same favorite bands as me...and I know it's possible that there's someone who possible has all of those traits. But I also doubt I'll ever find her.

The problem isn't that I could never settle for anyone less...I could. The problem is usually that practically nobody is the least bit attractive to me, visually or otherwise. But now that it's summer, a worse problem has come: no real exposure to potentially attractive people means no girls to obsess about except the imaginary Maraina. This is not the worst of problems that summer gives me (sheer boredom is probably worse), but this is the one I feel the most like writing about.

No matter how much I want to escape her, she is my succubus, and my muse. She is what drives me to keep writing; she is what inspires me; she is a part of my every masturbation fantasy. And she is what drives me to keep writing, for I feel as though...if "Veresae" a masterpiece, then it will by far increase my chances of meeting someone like her. Someone who, perhaps, will idolize Maraina for all the good she attempts in her world...her Ghandi-inspired stubborn insistance of doing what is right regardless of what the dominant faction wants...or maybe just someone who could connect with her. I don't know. If "Veresae" doesn't get a fan base, what hope do I have of meeting someone remotely close to my idea of perfection?

I should be glad; thinking about her so much has allowed me to really deepen her character for "Veresae." She's become quite fascinating, and I think that when the book is finally done, people will be intrigued by her complicated, scarred, strangely altruistic psyche. Meeting someone like her or not, what matters more is that "Veresae" is a great book...no matter how sad obsessing over her makes me.

I guess, like a lot of my other problems, it boils down to controlling my own brain....

I get depressed when the summer comes as well. I will have nothing to do.

Why don't you get a full-time job for the summer? That way you can be around other people (maybe even potential friends) and make money in the process.

My parents want me to, but frankly there aren't many jobs that I could tollerate. Sensory defensiveness aside, most summer jobs are seriously dull--the kind that would make me MORE bored, not less.

Job => boredom
AND
Job => money
money => shiny new objects
shiny new objects => less boredom

So...it balances out, and you get shiny new objects.

I know the situation...of realising that the reality simply cannot be what is in your imagination... it is an easy trap to fall into.
In the end, you have to make a choice to accept a reality that is maybe less than you imagined it could be...or to stick to being alone and living in the world of your imagination where it can be what you want it to be.
I am currently torn between the two myself.
Don't despair yet, I mean, hell, you are still young.
I was still alone until I was 24.

Focus on your writing...maybe start something new and base it upon your current situation...that might be a catharsis and help others in the same position.
Or make a list of things to do each day even if your heart isn't in it.