Feeling of not belonging

Post Reply New Topic

Hi, I am suffering from post traumatic stress disorder and trauma, and Aspergers syndrome. I really want to share my story and I need validation and support. Please read it and please say something, as I get very hurt if I feel like I am being ignored. I'm really struggling with memories of trauma and am getting triggered every day. I'm in therapy but it is going to take a long time for me to feel better. Please read my story and give me some feedback, I really appreciate any help or hugs or support <3

I sometimes had no idea why my father was hitting me, and he would yell at me to stop crying, even if I was in a lot of pain from his punishments. I wasn't allowed expression of my fears and physical pain; I also had to suck up my tears and keep it all inside. I cannot remember my father or my mother, ever, emotionally comforting me as a little kid. If I was afraid or began sobbing in front of my mom, I remember her stepping away from me and watching me from the doorway. I remember this a couple of times when we were alone. It was like if I was an alien to her or she just didn’t know how to respond to her child in pain. She would watch me cry from a safe distance. Now as an adult, if I start crying and someone tries to put their arm around me, I get angry about it.

My parents used to have fun together and go to parties. I have a memory of them dressing me up and taking me to a party at a night club with them one time. I remember being left in an office alone with some chairs to sleep on and ended up watching the disco lights from the window of the office that was overlooking the club. I remember my parents would throw big house parties until the next morning, and sometimes I would have to spend the whole night shut in my parent’s room, watching TV. I had understood they wanted me out of the way so I wouldn't get stepped on by some of the other, drunk guests at the party. I had always hated being a kid and couldn't wait to be an adult so that I could be included in the fun.

Another thing that happened was I’d get to stay with different babysitters a lot when I was little, and also different family members watching and helping take care of me. Sometimes my parents traveled for weeks at a time. I’d cry and I’d miss my mom so much. I remember once my mother had so much stuff on her mind, she slammed the car door on my fingers but luckily I was young enough that my bones in my little fingers were still soft, and at the hospital they said that my hand was going to be ok. Still it was excruciatingly painful for me and the thought that I wasn’t being cared for by my own mom really upsets me. I suffered from depression when I was five years old, which my mother thought that meant that I had psychiatric problems and began making me go to psychiatrists.

My mother was emotionally confusing. I have some memories of her when I was little, which left me feeling really disoriented to this day. I remember her looking upset with me, or about something, a lot of the time. I sat with her riding in the passenger seat of the car she drove. I’d get the cold shoulder and a bad attitude from her, a lot, even though I didn’t know what I did wrong. My mother and I eventually began spending a lot of time alone together. I felt so attached to my mom, she was my favorite parent and she was like my best friend. I used to want to help my mom because she seemed so vulnerable sometimes; she was like my child. I worried about her so much. I was always scared that something bad might happen to her.

If she seemed angry and I asked her if she was angry, she would tell me I was angry. Like, I would ask my mom, "Why are you mad?" To which my mother would reply, "I'm not mad, you're mad. It was so confusing and sometimes I’d end up believing her and getting mad too. Same thing if I’d asked her, "What’s wrong?" To which I'd get back, "What's wrong with YOU?" I eventually learned to stop bothering her. She distorted my perceptions to the point that now I don't know how to trust myself. It has affected my empathy as I can’t tell what’s wrong with somebody, even though I feel it.

Wow, I'm sorry you had to go thru that. Is it possible your parents were on the spectrum with traits like trouble relating to others including family members? The psychiatrist thing takes the cake... THEY needed to see a psychiatrist, and maybe you did, but it was because of THEM.

Thank you it really helps to be sharing that, I find it hard to talk about this stuff as I feel nobody wants to listen to that. I'm pretty sure my dad is autistic, but he says there's nothing wrong with him and it's my fault he hit me. I avoid him now unless I have to talk to him.

I was a lot better as a child, I was a lot more affectionate which makes me sad wondering how things would've gone better for me with loving parents. I'm trying to undo the damage done but unfortunately now I do need therapy and medication. I'm trying to get as well as I can though.

So you have PTSD. Do you still ever contact your dad? Do you think he'll change? Do you think he's open to change? Worst case scenario is just let him hate you and think everything is your fault and he'll love you in the afterlife when he knows better and he'll love you for letting him have his opinion. Maybe no contact is the best way to go, if you still contact him. Maybe send him a letter trying to explain to him though, but don't get suckered into a debate full of his insults.

Why would you HAVE to talk to him?

How is that PTSD?
I don't intend to minimize your experiences - if your upbringing is a problem for you then that's a legitimate problem for you. I just have strong opinions about this PTSD thing. I don't believe it helps anyone having a hard time with the past to be told they're suffering from an extreme disorder just because they had a troubled family life.
PTSD used to be the diagnosis given for people who had been victims of extreme abuses - war crimes, tortures, attempted murders, serious accidents or disasters where their lives were threatened. Now they start proverbially tarring everyone whose life has been less than perfect with the disease brush.
I rejected this outright whenever anyone accused me of this. I believe accepting a diagnosis as extreme as PTSD for a crap family life casts an unfair victim mentality on the person. It tells you you're sick, you're broken, probably forever, because of the actions of your parents. You're the victim, there's nothing you can do. How does that help you deal with the past?
Maybe it's old fashioned but I believe some good can come from putting the past behind you, and moving on with things in a healthier way. That's not to deny it or repress it, but just accept that yes it was crap at times, but you're moving on from that now. So your parents were rotten to you - you're away from them now, correct? You're an adult and can self-determine your own future? Catastrophizing won't help in my experience.
I think everyone was messed up by their relatives in some way. It seems to be what they're there for. But you can be a strong person, a person who knows better than to behave in such a sh***y way, because you have been taught by example precisely what not to be, what not to do. You are capable of being better than they were, treating people better than they did.
That's just my opinion anyway. I'm aware it's an unpopular one. I sincerely hope you can reconcile their bad behaviour towards you, and be happier in the future.

My dad would sometimes physically lash out at me. My mom would get mad if I cried even though it was about something seriouse. I dont think it helped me much in life.

had very similar childhood experiences.. think it contributes to that feeling of being defective a lot, really harmful and unfair.... i'm sorry you ended up with such bad parents, they shouldn't have decided to have a child, didn't deserve one. recovery is difficult and takes a lotta time, but remember to treat yourself gently and with the kindness your parents didn't show you.. i'm glad you've put effort into getting so far despite feeling alone..... places of warmth and acceptance lie ahead, good luck