Doomed

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For a long time, I have felt I am going the way of ASS-P. About a year. I don't know how he feels, but I've always been subject to an extreme case of self-hatred. I keep self-sabotaging. Now, I've done such a thorough job of it that I will be homeless in 12 days. And when I look back, I can see it's all my own doing.

Also, if I can't pay my rent of $500, then you can guess whether I can pay my meds (in Canada, $88 - way cheap) and antibiotics for my teeth which are infected need to be yanked because of gingivitis. I'm bankrupt since last month.

I was a 5yo porn star and universally loathed and shunned, even by my mother. She was ashamed of me and wouldn't be seen with me, so she made my brother take me to Grade 1 on the first day of school.

Within the last year, I have figured out a memory from when I was 5yo - not a repressed memory, just a puzzling one. It was puzzling when it happened. The older girl who dragged me into porn (call her M) began dragging me into the field behind our apartments. There was another girl, extremely handicapped, who would couldn't speak but would run to anybody that looked at her.

M grabbed my hand and said "we have to run, she's following us." But I knew the resolution to that was to hold still and look away. I also knew I had to obey M. So while she steadfastly looked frontwards, she yelled at me as we ran, "Look at her, look at her!" And the girl followed, warbling and wobbling. We came to the street and M yanked us to the right. The girl kept going into the street. I heard a car hit her and then reverse and hit her again. The driver was M's father, who was also the porn photographer.

The mothers came running through the field but M ordered me not to look, it's none of our business, keep going. But I saw one of the mothers giving me the dirtiest look.

What I realized lately is that M made it look like I lured the girl to her death. What really happened was that M gave orders that I didn't understand but had to obey.

And my mother believed it although she never said anything - and neither did I, it was forbidden, like the porn thing.

For the last year, I've been remembering and understanding and self-destructing. And in 12 days I'll be homeless.

Is there nothing you can do?
Talk to your landlord?
Loan money?
Sell something?
Here, if you are on disability, you can apply for an advance on your benefits during extreme hardship.
I'm not sure of your situation.
Anything rather than homelessness.
I would not wish that on you.

That's some intense remembering.
What kind of mother lets their handicapped child run out into the street anyway? Even if your mysterious M was giving the orders, it wasn't your fault. Convergence of negligent or malevolent circumstances that appears to have little to do with you.
Being homeless isn't so bad if you do it right. Got to have a plan.
You can squat pretty well if your area lends itself to this, or if you're in a rural area, fort-building is actually pretty good.
As is getting hold of a cheap car or van (which may not be possible for you? You could look into it) and stealth camping. That's my next long-term homeless plan. Plus you can stealth-camp foot style anywhere.
In the meantime, how about a work exchange? I'm currently negotiating this too, because like you, I can't pay rent. There are often work exchanges around, dependent on what kind of area you live in or are willing to move to, where you exchange about 4 hours work a day for room / accommodation and often food.
There are shelters of course but if you've ever been homeless before, then you'll already know what they're like. They're full of crazies and substances. Best avoided unless you have no other plans.
Do you have relatives or friends who could help you temporarily?
Let us know how you go, and if you need any survival brainstorming ideas.

I desperately want a cigarette. Haven't had one in 15 years. Increasingly lately, I want one. More self-destruction.

^ I'm sorry.

Yes, I know something about systematic self-destruction.

There should be some way to prevent homelessness for senior citizens in your city. I doubt that a landlord can throw you out just like that. A demand for rent doesn't mean eviction. There has to be a hearing.

Continue to talk to the Quebec pension people.

Don't smoke that cigarette!

Go to the website likehome.info

Be on time for any hearings. Is there a hearing date? Make sure you show up. If you don't show up, the eviction process is faster.

Is there anyone from your past who you can turn to?

You may have fallen out but it might not be totally over. If you think there is a chance you can trust them maybe you should get in touch.

You still have time. Someone might be able to lend you money or if worse comes to worse give you a temporary home.

I'm really sorry about what your childhood was like. I thought mine was tough but that sounds truly horrible. You are strong though to have survievrd it.

Great news! My sister gave me a loan and I paid my rent and everything is all better.

I want to thank you all very, very much for your support. I really helped.

^ Thats great news!

May the angels sit on your shoulders Claradoon. Be kind and gentle to yourself.

Wishing you peace and all good things.