You're really not worthless. I don't believe you've done anything unforgivable, and even people who have still have the potential to create value for others (even if they still might need to be kept away from society at large).
Being socially awkward, even to the point of struggling with basic interaction doesn't make you lack value as a person. At most it means others struggle to see it, and unfortunately you're struggling to see the value you have as a result. It isn't that you 'forget' anything, it's that on some level you crave interaction, even if simultaneously you also dread it.
Are there certain topics that come up that are more likely to get the result you describe? Are there certain topics that people talk to you about, or listen to you talk about, or best of all that you can talk about with others that last longer than others?
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The Party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command.
If you're not careful, the newspapers will have you hating the people who are being oppressed, and loving the people who are doing the oppressing. —Malcolm X
Just a reminder: under international law, an occupying power has no right of self-defense, and those who are occupied have the right and duty to liberate themselves by any means possible.