So it begins.

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It is getting colder and I really am not looking for all the things to come in the next few months. Winter is hard for me financially, and physically and all the stupid holidays that come at the beginning are really upsetting for so many reasons and Im just starting to freak out because Im just not prepared in any way this year for any of it.

Sorry this might get long..

Why winter will be bad- This is the part that is actually the worst but I'm not even as worried about it as the holidays. I think I should be more worried. It is cold here and that means I have to keep the house warm. I have a woodstove which means I wont have to pay $600+ a month for propane, but it is hard work. In the past I had a furnace as well but it is broken a few years back and I do not have money or anyone to help me fix it. When I was married my husband helped with some of the wood cutting, hauling exc.. Now it is just me. The last two years my dad helped me get wood during the summer from a lumberyard which sells reject boards for cheap by the truckload, but he had a stoke recently and we didn't do this this year. I also didn't order any like I was planning on this summer and I am very short on money to do so now. I have some left from last year but I am doubting it's enough to last. So far we are using electric heaters 24/7 and wearing warm cloths, but it really hasn't gotten that cold. I'm getting nervous that this could get really bad sometime in January. This off the path lifestyle seemed good in concept, and it's how I was raised, but is proving difficult now days with just me to keep it up. My mom used to worry about me and made sure I was doing OK or made my dad help me, but she's dead now and my dad can't help. Im currently feeling really scared and trapped.

Why Thanksgiving is freaking me out- Since my mom died my relationship with my dad and brothers hasn't been close and it's awkward visiting and hanging out. I have some major guilt issues around my dad which is another long story. He's an aspie like person to and we don't communicate well. There are some major elephant in the room type conversations we need to have and I have been avoiding them for many years. He loves me though And I am super guilty I have not been around lately. He had a stroke last month and I have only been to see him once (that same week). I think about it all the time and feel bad and now I feel like we have to go see them for Thanksgiving or that would just be bad. I know that my brothers are probably mad at me for this and am scared to talk to them too. There is no big get together with the extended family anymore, so this would involve me making the move and going over there on Thanks giving with the kids. Also would need to bring food I guess? I should probably call and talk to my brothers to plan this but Its a week a way now and I have not talked to any of them in weeks. The kids have not asked me what we are doing for Thanksgiving yet and I'm not sure what to tell them when they do. I feel like a really bad daughter, sister, mom, and just a crappy human in general.
Why I cant even deal with Christmas- This is the big one I never liked it in the first place its not my religion and I think the whole plastic shopping consumerism aspect of it is shallow and gross. I did used to like getting presents as a kid. It was also the only time when I saw all the relatives at the big get together because I don't see them otherwise. There is no get together anymore and it just reminds me that I haven't kept up with these people or seen them in years. Ive willfully given up contact or support from these people because I don't even know how to associate with them without my mom to hide behind even if there was a party still. There is nothing good about it for me anymore. Now for the bad.
I feel like a crappy mom because Christmas is just going to suck. Despite my disdain for all the consumer crap, I still try to get good stuff for my kids because it is Christmas. No matter how hard I try their friends will have much better presents and I haven't even gotten anything yet. The stockings alone will be $20 dollars each if I just do cheap little trinkets and candy. That's not even counting the real presents, at least one decent one and some small ones each so there are boxes under the tree. Plus I've go some young nieces who call me out if I don't buy them presents, and My brother always gets my kids some stuff so I'm obligated. Also its the same deal as Thanksgiving. There is no party. I guess we will go hang out at my dads, but that is the same deal as Thanksgiving and I haven't even dealt with that yet and once I do it starts over because Christmas is next month! Not to mention the kids are on break half the month so I have to figure out 3 meals a day for them instead of just one and no downtime to deal with my head.
The worst and the saddest part about it is that my mom died on Dec. 26 2014. They sent her home on the 24th because the Chemo was done working and her kidneys were failing. She was to start hospice after the holiday but she didn't make it. We had been close but grew apart in the last due to wierd guilty issues wont ever forgive myself for. I wasn't there much, even while she was sick. She was the most loving, crazy, unique, real people ever around. She was kind even though lived a hard thankless life and put up with alot of unfair hate. Then got sick and died just as it seemed like she might be able to live out some of her potential. It was a very long sad, painful death and she was bitter not OK with it. On that last Christmas we were all there, but she wasn't able to even talk. She slumped on the sofa in her ratty blanket and was bitter and in pain. I was thinking she might die that night and I could have stayed. My girlfriend offered to take the kids home, but I didn't want to be a bother so I left. When I came back the next morning she was gone. My dad took care of her all night while she vomited all over herself and thrashed moaned. I can't imagine how awful it was and I can't ever get it out of my head that I should have stayed. My family is broken and my family ties are nonexistent since then we never interacted much without her. My kids miss her so much too, she was a bad ass gramma and I know this is hard for them and It is all just so bad. It's so much deeper and worse than all this really, but feel like this post needs to end.

Anyway the kids told me the other day that they have school off next week and this was the first I thought about Thanksgiving. It just started me thinking about all this stuff I'v been avoiding and It just sucks because I'm not sure how we're gonna make it through all this. Once I make it through the holidays there are still 2 months of hard winter with cold weather and less hours at work. Oh yah and my bullyish b**ch caseworker just cut my food stamps down to almost nothing so that's great. It really isn't going to get better at all anytime soon.
Sorry for the really long crappy post I needed to vent

Hmm. Well my brother just stopped over and talked for about an hour now I feel silly for being so freaked out. He didn't even know it was Thanks giving either really. My dads back to driving the kids around for him so he must be doing OK. I cant even express the weight I was feeling over not checking back in yet at all. I think now I can just get back to the general everyday (every few weeks) weirdness of the relationship with them instead of freaking out like I have been the last few weeks. I told him we would probably stop by on Thanksgiving with some snacks or whatever. We'll have our little non celebration get together and it will be OK. All the other stuff is still pretty relevant about Christmas and winter and stuff but it was the not knowing how to break the ice and go over there before Thanksgiving that was causing my current crisis of guilt and anxiety. He called me first and I didn't answer because I was freaking out and I looked out side and he was actually here. Im glad because if he had just called I would have still been sitting here worried about how to call him back

Hope things continue to improve for you!

One of the things I do for exercise is to cut up wood and take it to the curb. I'm sure it is often used for as firewood.

I wish you lived in my neighbor hood!

I had a few thoughts. Forgive me if I missed the main points of your post, which I frequently do.

First, in my state, there are programs specifically dealing with winter heating for those in financial need. Ask around about those in your state. You might need to approach both government programs and private charities, such as churches. Or perhaps you even approach utility companies directly for heating assistance.

Second, to give your kids a better Christmas than you could otherwise afford, contact the Marine Corps and ask to be included as a recipient of Toys for Tots. Or you could ask your caseworker if she can make a referral.

Third, are you getting all you should out of your ex (I assume this is your kids' father)? You might approach him about providing some Christmas gifts.

Fourth, although the thought might not excite you much, think of some homemade things you can do for or with your kids, for a nicer Christmas. Doing some baking and making homemade crafts can go a long way. And often doing these things as a family makes some wonderful memories, better than any trendy gift might do.

Fifth, it sounds like you are somewhat food-insecure, with the loss of most of your food stamps. Contact local food pantries.

Sixth, it seems your mental health is not great on account of the season as well as family problems - your father's ill health, your mother's death at this time of year. I recommend you see a primary care doctor, therapist, or psychiatrist for an evaluation. Don't be afraid, they really can't force you to do anything you don't want to do, but you might find some gentle counseling, some bright-light therapy, or some medication for just a few months, would make a big difference in how you function.

I wish you relaxation and serenity over the next couple of months, and I give you permission to give up guilt as an unproductive emotion. Write "MY GUILT" on a piece of paper or wood and then put that in your wood fire. It is doing you NO GOOD and you don't need it.

No, you didn't miss the point, we are food insecure, about to have trouble heating the house, and I have some serious untreated mental issues, along with alot of guilt. It was all coming to a head the other night because I was realizing how I have been avoiding these things and it just seem like Its all about to happen right now. It is too.
I do feel alot better. The immediate panicky guilt about my dad has been relieved and I actually feel alright for the first time in a very long while. It almost feels like I let some of the long standing very real guilt go for the time being as well, and its good.
As for the Christmas presents, Ill get some stuff, not hundreds of dollars worth of stuff and no big happy parties, but thats not the end of the world.
There really is not much available for heating assistance in Michigan, but I got on a discounted electric plan and we're running electric heaters 24/7. I might spring for a cord of hardwood if we do get a child support check next week. Their dad lives in a basement and isn't in a position to help more than he does.
There is also a very short supply of food banks in this rural area. Most of them serve the county next door that has a city in it, or specific towns and you have to be a resident. There is one thats open every other Friday and I still have my card that I used alot during a crisis time last year. Hopefully I can get the food stamps straitened out. I think my case worker is getting annoyed because my income changes week to week with online sales, and changing hours at work all the time. I make $1 more an hour at my new job than the last ($1 above minimum wage now) and I think thats why she cut it down. Now They're giving me less hours so it's tight. She seems to treat me like I'm trying to scam them or something, but very honesty not going to break 14,000 this year if that. It's way less than the poverty level for 3 people. It significantly more than the last two years but still not much with a mortgage, car insurance (legally mandated in Michigan and not cheap), and all the other bills.
It's only my second winter alone, I had a live in girlfriend for 5 years after my divorce and we broke up a year ago. It is very scary being the only one in charge when things are as they are, and me as I am.
We'll make it through the winter, we will eat, and not freeze to death, even if its not easy and comfortable. Its just going to get a whole lot harder and I just realized it is all going to happen soon now..
I guess I just needed to put it all out there somewhere and cry about it a bit (seems like I still do ^^ sorry ) because there isn't anyone who really knows.
Thanks for reading and for your advice