I need help for suicidal thoughts, without going to lockdown

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If I call the emergency line, the only 2 thing they can offer are drugs or hospitalization, which would do more harm than good. I need to feel good inside, and my son needs to be safe, not numbed and silenced so my ex with the full backing of the law can continue to abuse my son and I. I'm too incoherent to type my story out again, you can search my posts. Basically, in the eyes of the law, I am worse than a pedophile, and I should take responsibility for being molested. Damn it's taking everything in me to not slap the f**k out of myself right now.

Hmm, what kind of advice were you after?
I haven't been suicidal (despite what my behaviour may have suggested) so I can't directly communicate a strategy based on that, but one thing I find useful for unhelpful thought/feelings/behaviours - they are inherently empty. You do not have to act on these things, you do not have to get involved with them or self-identify with them. These things are transient, they are just thoughts, just feelings - and you can just observe them, and let them pass. Meditation practices are the best place for this kind of thing, if you are a meditator.
So too the stressors that inspire these things are impermanent, and they too will change.
Other than that, I usually find some satisfaction by directly addressing the isue that is causing the problem - even if it doesn't fix it, it at least soothes me that I am making progress on it, I've started work on it, I'm on track toward solving the problem. Even if that's just writing out a plan of action, or contacting people or organizations which may be helpful in fixing the problem. It's something.
In the short term distraction sense, common advice seems to be to do something that you enjoy, that gives you joy or peace, to improve your headspace in the immediate sense.
I'm unsure if that's helpful at all. Hopefully!

Yup, what I need today is a sign that my son is ever going to come back, or at least that my business isn't going down the toilet so I have some credibility to get my son back. This broken tailbone keeps giving me flashbacks of my father hitting me, and the thing that f***s me up the most about this custody battle is that I was never taken away from my parents who beat and molested me, yet my son and I have been away from each other for 18 months and counting, and he lives with people who have a history of being violent towards both of us, and no one believes me. So I must be worse than them, and my parents.

You have to keep yourself together, somehow. If you are confined to hospital, that's more ammunition for the people who don't want you to have custody of your son.

I'm really, really sorry you're going through the stuff you're going through. I wish I could help more. Your tailbone will heal soon; I know it's painful now.

I understand the flashbacks...but this injury is truly unrelated to the past. It doesn't make you less of a person. Everybody gets injured sometimes.

I would say: focus on your business to distract yourself from those thoughts you've been having.

Make use of the principles of yoga. They've been around a long time, and have helped a lot of people.

And stay around WrongPlanet so you'll be able to read better advice from people who have had it as rough as you.

Last edited by kraftiekortie on 26 Nov 2017, 7:32 am, edited 1 time in total.

Ah, well that's definitely not a simple A = B equation. Variables are many. Time and location, for one. You are not in the same place and time as an adult with your own children as your parents were with you. Attitudes, conditions and even laws change. Just because he was taken away from you doesn't mean you are as bad a parent as others who beat and abuse their children. It just means there are other variables in your equation that have given that result, for now.
Perhaps you could begin, if you are able to access an advocacy service or legal aid especially, by compiling evidence that the people who have custody are unfit? Whilst proving that you are? (if you are - not knowing exactly the circumstances). It could help to be starting on the path to rectifying your problem, and having someone listen to your concerns, believe what you're saying and help you to prove it.
Just an idea.

That's exactly why I can't be going to lock down, these people have fabricated too much against me already. My ex's father tried to assault me, my ex's mother was in the room when it happened, she told the authorities I was lying. That's why they won't do anything. The only other evidence I have is photos of the cut on the back of my son's head. But no proof it wasn't an accident, even though it clearly doesn't look like an accident. When I try and question things, I'm punished, which makes it look like they're hiding something. And the fact that I've lost so many friends over this confirms I suck. I don't see a way out of this mess, between that and the fact that my meltdowns have cost me students, so I'm financially screwed too. I hate the fact that I'm 35 and have nothing to show for my life, even though I've worked harder than most. But according to most, I'm here because I chose to be, which tells me I'm stupid. I need a way out, otherwise staying alive isn't worth it.

If there's cuts to the back of a person's head, it's most likely not an accident.

Like you said, meltdowns in front of students will cost you students.

Are you in psychotherapy at present? Many people, even very logical and rational people, make use of psychotherapy. Being in psychotherapy is not a sign that you can't keep yourself together.

You have something to show for your life. You own a yoga school.

We're so far behind on our bills and rapidly going out of business.

I didn't think the cut was an accident either. But child services, my ex, and his parents have all made sure everyone thinks I'm crazy so that no one will believe me, even when I have pictures. Which is why I see no way out.

Is there some sort of service in the Netherlands for businesses which are going out of business.

A small business loan?

How far behind are you?

I wonder if erionet.org could be a start.

I’m also thinking that you should hire an attorney on your own. Maybe a domestic-violence organization might be able to help you.

Or a woman’s advocacy group.

You probably know this: you have to seek to think practically, in addition to emotionally.

I don't really have anything productive to contribute.
And always have the fear that something I say may just make things worse.
But I thought I'd let you know that I've read every one of your posts lately, and it's pretty heartbreaking. I wish I could do something for you. I feel for you.

Thanks for the tip Krafty. And it looks like sorting the business out will be the easy part, with the main obstacle being me feeling like a hypocrite teaching yoga because I've had lots of meltdowns. I'll read it more properly soon though.

The main reason this is still going on is that child services, and at least 9 out of 10 people around me for that matter, believe that I abused my ex and his family and not the other way around. My reputation is destroyed by meltdowns I had from the abuse, and the way NTs work is if you're loud and emotional, you're assumed to be guilty as charged. The more people who believe me, the safer we are.

Is there any way out of this? I really want nothing more than to take my son to somewhere where no one knows us, and start over.

There have been some crazy psychologists. They don’t think they’re hypocrites for giving therapy. In fact, it is mandatory in some psychological organizations for therapists to HAVE a therapist.

I wish I knew a way out of this. One way would to be show “sane” behavior on a consistent basis for a year. Try to “let it all out” in private. And make a great effort to keep your business afloat.

You’re not “selling out” by presenting a “sane face” to the world.

Are any of these helpful?

https://www.angloinfo.com/south-holland ... terdam-710

My psychologist says all the time it's always easier to help someone else relax than to help yourself relax!

I know a few of those groups Fifesy, but I think they're more social groups than support groups. I would love to find a support group for parents whose children have unfairly been taken, even if it's online and not specific to any country, to navigate the emotional issues from this.

Do you feel more comfortable with Dutch than English?

There are plenty of online groups in English which addresses domestic violence against women.