Aspies can't tolerate other aspies

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I've noticed something lately: put two aspies together online and they'll get along fairly well. Put them together in real life and they'll tear each other apart within an hour. It's like we know our own disabilities but when someone else has it we're two magnets pushing against each other. Has anyone else noticed this?

I have had conflicts with other aspies online and it would feel like they were expecting me to be NT. What an aspie told me in a online group was this "they have spent their whole lives around NTs, they are used to what they can do but when they meet another aspie, you are not doing what other people do." They are just not used to seeing someone with deficits. Maybe they have always been around others who take the hint and all and read between the lines.

Also I have noticed that mild aspies seem to be annoyed with other aspies who are more severe.

Sometimes they annoy me because they don't stop talking or because they take things literal, or are not listening to me so they are acting willful.

Has to depend on the person, right? I have two good friends on the spectrum, and as far as I know, we don't bother each other at all. My little brother (also with AS) I can only see for short periods of time, because he's very physical and doesn't understand personal space. I would probably get along with him very well if only it wasn't for all the grabbing and shaking

I hang around an workshop for autistic adults — adult defined as being eighteen or older — so I interact with between twenty and thirty other autistic people on a regular basis. I've been doing this for about two years. My experiences and observations within the group just don't support your conclusion that two aspies will tear each other apart within an hour.

Most of the people are quiet at first, they take a while to warm up and start interacting, but once they do, it's just a group of people. Some get along really well, we've had a couple of romances; there have been disagreements and arguments, even a low-level feud — consisting of people just avoiding each other for a while — but nothing that lasts.

A couple years before I started attending there was an epic blow-up that caused a separate womens-only group to disintegrate. Those that were around at the time talk about it occasionally, but I think the fact that particular blow-up still features strongly in memory shows how rare such things are.

I think it really depends on the people involved. Some aspies get along great with one another. Most just interact politely or ignore one another. Occasionally you get people that just rub each other the wrong way and things get nasty.

The only thing I've found — and this may say more about me than aspies in general — is that interacting with a group of autistics is much more tiring than interacting with a similarly sized group of neurotypicals. The way I describe it is: neurotypicals all run a slight variation of the same operating system, so when I'm interacting with them, I just have to model a generic NT mind, and adjust it slightly for each individual. By contrast, each autistic seems to run their own unique operating system, so it takes longer to model how each of them thinks and when I'm interacting with a group, I have to run multiple models simultaneously. This requires much more energy and leaves me exhausted at the end of the day. I can handle small groups – up to about five people — fairly well, but once it gets to six or more, I really begin to feel the effects of running multiple models in my head. It also tends to degrade my own performance, making me more short-tempered, thoughtless, and forgetful – which is why I try to limit my interaction with bigger groups to only a couple of hours at a time. Maybe that's the effect you're noticing.

One thing is for sure: being aspie doesn't guarantee that one will get along with another aspie.

Dox47 talked about his long time involvement with aspie/autie social groups. And he complained about how hard it is for aspie to socialize with each other, and wrote things like "we are all just as appalled by each others' special interests as NTs are..." and things like that. Thought to myself "that's all sad, but probably true".

Our city has a support group and well get along okay. But one of the leaders of the group is an attractive youngish lady (young compared to me) who has a quirky distinctive look that goes with her distinctive qurky personality -both of which I....admire from afar...at our meetings. She is brainy as hell (flits from Chaucer to Max Planck in the same conversation with ease). But on the rare occasions in which I am able to work my way across the room to talk to her- she drives me nuts- the way she talks. I dunno. Something about her way of communication. Maddening and fascinating she is. Kinda the living symbol of aspergers itself.

Almathea makes an interesting observation: the larger group (NTs) seem to be more alike in how they think than are members of the smaller group (ASDers). ASD folks may differ from each other as much, or more, than each differs from "the operating system" of NTs.

Naturally! Let's think about that for a bit. NT's are usually annoyed by aspies. Aspies usually become annoyed by NTs as well. You put two aspies together, what do you get? It shouldn't come as a surprise if such a meeting suddenly becomes a tantrum festival.

I don't think I ever met another aspie in R/L. I really don't care whether people have disabilities or not, that's not how I find friends. However, I don't think that the odds of me getting along with another aspie would be very high, should that ever happen. It's hard enough when it's "sane" people, yet.

Also, sometimes I wish I had an aspie friend to talk to but no matter how I try, these people simply avoid any contact! Lol! It's nearly impossible to bring two genuine aspies together, from what it looks like.

There's this, too: I've got the feeling by watching this forum that some who claim to have Asperger's really don't want any other people like them around, it's like if they want to be always the only aspie in the neighbourhood.

Bwahahaha! You're right! Have you watched Little Britain? 'The only Gay in the village'?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KrlzaBNgz-M

I know quite a few people who I suspect are on the spectrum (including some who believe that they are), and I haven't noticed this at all. Most of them, we tolerate each other just fine, but there are some where we can wear on each others' nerves, especially in large doses.

I'm pretty sure a co-worker is on the spectrum (either he doesn't know or he's pretending he doesn't know), and we get along like the proverbial peas in the pod.

Jokes aside, I have the impression that most aspies get along ok at least. There are some personal differences. Some of the introverted ones can't stand the extraverted ones, and people vary in their ability to tolerate monologuing. It's a question of interests too, just like with other people.

In general, it's hard to make a cohesive group out of people who need a lot of alone time.

I work with two people who I can't say for sure but I highly suspect are aspies and they drive me insane. One is just plain rude. He and a lot of the other guys here like to play the Magic card game but whenever they do he starts insulting them for their "inferior" decks. I have no idea why they put up with it. He also butts into other people's conversations. I made a joke to the girl sitting next to me that I must be addicted to food because I think I'd die without it, and he stood up and practically yelled "well OF COURSE you'll die without food! Everyone would!" Ugh.

The other one is even worse. She likes to sing at her desk and if you ask her to stop she'll give you this shpiel about how everyone wants her to sing because it comforts them and they'd all go insane if she stopped. I threatened to go to our manager about it and she finally quit. But then she started yawning loud enough to hear on the other side of the building every ten seconds. When she's not doing that she's blowing her nose as loudly as possible for a whole solid minute. It's like she's incapable of doing anything without making it as loud and obnoxious as she can. Again I don't get how I'm the only one who's bothered by this crap.

Eh, not exactly. I know at least ten diagnosed aspies that I have met face to face and have had longer contact and conversations with. Some I get along with great, some make me feel a little akward and some I sometimes fight with and sometimes I can have a perfectly normal, sivilized conversation with the very same people who sometimes almost drive me insane. That said I think it's more about personality than neurology; aspies can drive each other mad, yes, but they can also get along with each other well.

Sorry, totally missed your post.

I'm not familiar with the show. I'll have to check when I'm home. Thanks!

I've been in rooms full of aspies / autistics my entire life.

A bunch of aspies together is like a bunch of people together. That's all. Really not much if any different than a bunch of "NT's" together.

Oh, I don't know, I feel like we get a bit noisier than NTs =) Especially when we start throwing quotes and inside jokes around.

I've never really experienced that among large groups.

I suppose it depends on the group.