I quit therapy.

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I quit therapy this week, because my dr. started a new job, and doesn't really seem to have the time for me anymore...he's also going to be living pretty far, at least 2 hours from my home. He kept saying he'd keep his old office (closer), but last week he travelled to the area as he usually does (he lives out of state, we do online sessions and he travels once a month or so), but didn't offer me an in-person session while he was here, only an online one, because he was going to be too busy with the new job. We did the online session, and I wasn't feeling ultra good...and at the end he said we could do an in-person session on Thursday, but that was in the same week, and we do one session per week. I don't know why he was offering a second session the same week. If I wasn't so confused by the whole thing, I would have taken it in a heartbeat.

But while I was trying like heck to get un-confused about which week he was talking about, he retracted the offer, and said he recommends doing an online session the following week. I didn't even have time to coordinate my thoughts, and it feels like when my father used to hold things I wanted in front of me and keep pulling them away every time I got close. Like the car insurance commercial with the guy with the fishing pole and the dollar.

After thinking through it, he probably retracted the offer because he didn't want to drive so far to his old office, and realized he'd spoken too soon. I wonder if he took advantage of my confusion in order to retract the offer. It makes me sad to think it, but I do think it's very likely. It's highly unlikely that he thinks it's worth the drive to his old office, because really, I am a pain in the neck sometimes.

To make things worse, I had spent most of last week trying to think of ways to help him feel better about his new job, which he often complains about (they don't know what they're doing, they don't listen to his opinion, etc.) He was very upset last week, he told me he had barely slept because of an email he'd gotten from someone. During the session, I 1) got him my cat, 2) tried to validate his feelings therapist style, and 3) told several jokes, all so he would cheer up. Then a few days later, I decided to 4) take pictures of a park near his new job, so he could see what 4pm will look like once his new school opens.

He didn't cheer up during the session and he barely acknowledged the pictures I sent. It occurred to me, that as much as he claims that "this is a relationship" and that we're "practicing relaitonship skills", it's not a relationship. Nothing I said during the session made him feel better because he's not willing to let me impact his mood. And the pictures, which I had imagined would make him feel comforted and appreciated, are unnecessary and unwanted.

I feel like the writing on the wall is that I'm simply not going to be worth the effort now. I think that's why I went nuts with trying to make him feel better. I thought that maybe if I could do that, he'd value me.

I understand of course. If I moved to a city 2 hours away, I wouldn't travel to my old neighborhood to work unless I definitely had to. Well, he doesn't have to; the school is paying him a lot of money. So I think he will try to get rid of me...if in fact he hasn't been trying for the past few months already. I have no idea because I'm a social idiot.

Anyway, I was feeling sad all week, and I didn't mind, wasn't surprised. It's to be expected that I would be sad.

However, just now, I felt worried. I'm worried I'll wither away into hermitage. I already feel like life is so irrelevant. Who am I going to impress with good news? No one. There's no point in achieving good things if I can't tell them to him.

Also, I'm mad at him for abandoning me. Even though I'm the one who quit, I feel like he abandoned me. I know that it's not logical, but somehow it is. He abandoned me by taking a job that puts him in a geographic area which is not accessible to me unless it's a Saturday, and he doesn't work on Saturdays.

That's frustrating and disappointing to say the least. Not acknowledging kind gestures and pulling back appointment offers are great ways to make someone feel misunderstood and disregarded.

It doesn't sound like you quit therapy. It sounds like you had therapy quit on you. It might seem like you can't continue with therapy without your therapist, but I think you'll find he/she isn't the only therapist who can help you. Heck, you might even like a new therapist better than the one who moved away. If you feel you need therapy, you should pursue it, even with somebody else. I'm going through a lot now and will be seeing if I can get some therapy (I'm on medicaid so I need to see what my options are), so I'm not just saying this lightly.

I guess you're right. I wish he'd take responsibility for it, tell me respectfully that he needs to refer me out now. Either way, I'd feel awful, so really the only loss is his own. He had the opportunity to treat someone with respect (as he so nobly claims he does in many public contexts) and instead he dumped on it.

Screw it.

Why don't you ask him for a referral or just seek out a new therapist you think can help you? I hope you continue with therapy if that's what you need.

^^^^I was just thinking of what you said....

Did you ever do any "music therapy" as a kid, Fluter?

He said it's not true that he quit therapy.

No, I took flute in school. The first year was a bust because my sister stole and hid my flute from me for a lot of weeks. The band teacher would ask me every week if I'd remembered my flute, and I didn't understand why he couldn't remember that it was missing. He just assumed I'd forgotten it. But one night I found it. I was so excited that I ran to tell my grandmother, who wasn't home, but I fell down the stairs on a loose laundry item and hurt my back. The only one home was my sister and she laughed at me, locked me in the basement with the lights out. Eventually my grandmother came home and took me to the hospital.

I was really into flute, so I started practicing again.

You had a sister from Hell. What was her problem?

Has she reformed, at least?

Usually I avoid her. Mostly things are not horrible, but every once in a while things come to the surface in the form of a crack (joke) that deeply insults me.

I think her problem was that my mother told her she was going to have another baby to replace her, and the new baby turned out to be me. The reason I think this is that I saw my mother say that to all her animals when I was an adult. If they didn't do what she wanted, she threatened to replace them with another pet. I can't blame my sister for being frightened or jealous or angry, now that I can look back and understand. But still, I felt sad and alone many times like that day in the basement. It wasn't an isolated incident. So as much as I can rationally forgive her, I still feel pretty angry, afraid, lonely, and angry that I'm angry, afraid and lonely.

Thanks for asking Kraftiekortie.

I feel like you have a good handle on your problems, and are able to speak of them rationally and with a broadened perspective.

This helps you in therapy, and how you relate to people.

Yeah...I know....I sound too "shrinky" LOL

How do you feel about the recorder, versus the flute?

I've had several therapists quit on me, and in my experience they're more flakey and unreliable than any other professional I've known. (Not showing up for appointments so I'm just waiting there for an hour, cancelling at the last minute several weeks in a row, moving offices unexpectedly and having to drop me as a patient, etc...)

It sounds like you were playing 'therapist' to him toward the end, which isn't right at all. I understand the desire to have a professional to talk to, who actually remembers who you are from one visit to the next, but after my last therapist moved away this past year, I have little confidence that the next would be any more reliable.

Sorry that happened to you too... I think there are good therapists out there, but the ones on my insurance program tend to be massive flakes, and I suspect they lack the financial incentive to put much effort into it.

I was trying to "play therapist" for him because I was feeling scared he'd drop me soon. But he rejected all of my offerings. That's why I quit. He seemed to be ignoring me. I thought it meant I'm contaminated, and no one, especially him, would ever find my help useful.

Ah, that's awful to feel you're 'contaminated' and useless - I feel that way myself a lot of the time, and withdraw and isolate for that reason. But I don't think you're useless, and appreciate hearing what you've been through (which reminds me a lot of how my mom was treated by her sister, but that's another story...)

As for your therapist though - I was given a form to sign at my first session, agreeing that if I happened to run into them outside of therapy, they were professionally obligated to ignore me, as part of their confidentiality agreement. Maybe that could explain his behavior?

I sense it probably was an "ego" thing.

The therapist sensed, probably incorrectly, that Fluter sought to do the therapists' "job" for him/her.

The therapist didn't care for that dynamic; hence the therapist's behavior.