10 Jan 2018, 7:38 am
Not really looking for advice, but I felt like writing down my thoughts. I doubt I’m gonna say anything new, but it might help somehow.
So, last night I went out with a friend, came home and kind of came crashing down. Never done this before, but I called in sick today (I’ll compensate for the sick day sometime in the future, I promise 
) and thought about what happened.
The crash is part of a cycle I keep repeating. I’m kind of OK most of the time and try to keep myself occupied. Once in a while I feel a bit of a depression creeping in, and as a countermeasure try to create a kind of safety net for myself. I’m usually more active during these periods, apply for courses, try to make some new contacts, but sooner or later I’m still gonna fall flat on my face. After a while I’ll get back on the saddle and go back to being kind of OK.
I guess the cycle would be:
The quiet period > calm before the storm > the storm > back to the quiet period
So I’ve lived through this cycle quite a few times now, and have started trying different things. I’ve tried prolonging the calm before the storm part, and it translated to a longer period of rain. I figured this time, when I started recognizing the calm before the storm period, to try and speed up the process and go back to being OK again as soon as I can. Not sure that’s a great idea either - I feel worse than I have in quite a while - but if things get better soon, I guess it might be worth it.
Two observations, though.
1 By now I know the cycle, and I know the stuff I do during the calm will have been for nothing after the storm. Burning the bridges I built during the calm is kind of how I cope with the storm. Not saying that’s a very healthy thing to do, but I’ve kind of figured out how I work and this is part of the cycle. I still keep building those bridges when the calm comes, though, and I kinda wish I could just skip that part. But when I do I just prolong the inevitable.
2 The current crash gave me some clarity. Not necessarily because I’ve generated some new ideas, but I feel like I can better formulate what I’m doing, and I’ve been thinking about the long term a bit more. Thinking long term can be depressing in it’s own right, but I feel an inability (and lack of motivation) to step away from the cycle. I really don’t know what my life would look like either.
It’s really not much for a long term plan, and I don’t really have any big goals either. The usual suspects – finding a girl, having children, advancing the career – are not for me or just don’t seem realistic. So yeah, I’m probably going back to the quiet period, and try to keep myself occupied with other stuff, and the cycle keeps repeating. I’m not thinking about hurting myself or anything, but at some point you gotta wonder why you’d want to keep doing this.
Again, I’m really not looking for answers or anything, but I thought it might be nice to write this out.
