Executive Function, Who? (trigger? idk)

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Today is a s**t day for executive function. I've intended to get up and go take care of things like I'm supposed to about 10 times in the last 2 hour alone, and I keep losing track of what I'm doing. Several hours have passed today with me getting little to nothing done, because I can't seem to actually get myself moving and when I do I stand there and try to remember what I was supposed to be doing and how to do it. I get distracted by the absolute lamest of thoughts, and suddenly a half hour has passed and I remember I was supposed to be in another room doing a thing. It's like passing out from exhaustion and waking up wondering when you fell asleep, but without being tired.

I also can't seem to get a handle on how I'm feeling today, more so than usual. I grab onto an emotion, wrestle it to the ground, finally identify it, and right as I do POOF it's gone and there's something else in it's place that I don't recognize. I'm getting so frustrated with my body and mind not being within my own control that I've already come close to crying in anger (I hate crying, I was bullied for it, even by my own parents, as a small child until I forced myself to stop doing it) and I want to start throwing things. Feels like the verge of a meltdown, I'm getting that same constriction in my chest, that panic that seems to start in the back of my head then covers my heart in lead, makes my skull tingle and me feel like I need to run away or scream or fight or break things, my arms start to hurt if I don't throw them around or flap, my whole body feels like I'm jacked up on some kind of synthetic drug like epinephrine and I don't know how to handle it.

I f*****g HATE THIS. I hate that I'm LIKE THIS.

... I'm sorry if this is too aggressive or if it's upsetting to anyone. I just don't know what else to do. I feel helpless and if there's anything I hate more than liars, mean people, and crying, it's feeling helpless. I've spent a long time learning how to blend in perfectly with society and how to take care of myself, on top of all the conditioning I received to stomp out all forms of "weakness" in my childhood and youth. And feeling helpless against myself always causes a meltdown, so I'm trying really hard to just focus on typing this so that I don't. I'm home alone. Usually my Husband is home and he can stop me from injuring myself or breaking things.

No need to apologise, I often feel frustrated, angry and bewildered when it seems that I have lost my free will, so I sympathise. Focusing on expressing it can be a useful coping mechanism sometimes - it may not be what we feel we're supposed to be focusing on, but at least it can restore a little feeling of being in control again. I hope that writing your post helped you at least a little bit.

(Note: I read your introductory post a few minutes ago, so this is partly a response to that too.)

I wonder if the heightened EF problems and near-meltdown experience might be a sign that you are going through a burn out. The conditioning to "stomp out" our autistic traits and hide our real emotions has its benefits, especially when we're surrounded by people who might single us out, but the cost is high. After conditioning ourselves from such a young age and for so long that it becomes habitual, the anxiety and stress of "passing" come to seem just normal, routine parts of life, and it's easy to underestimate them (familiarity breeds contempt, as the saying goes.)

I find that when I have the kind of days you described, it's often a warning from my inner, autistic self that I'm under more pressure, and experiencing more anxiety, than I am conscious of. I find that the thing that helps me the most when I'm like that is not to exhaust myself further by trying to fight it directly, but to find myself some kind of sanctuary where I can free myself of the conditioning for a while and just be my autistic self. I found it hard to do that at first, I was so conditioned that I found myself "passing" and unable to cry even when alone, and I struggled not to feel guilty about the things I wasn't getting done. But the bits of our brains that power our defence mechanisms have just got to rest sometimes, the same as any other part of the body that has been pushed too hard, otherwise they just start failing us in random, bewildering ways. Getting back the sense of being control, in whatever small way, is the first objective. There is no need to feel guilty about taking time to do this, because it is a necessary step for restoring the ways of thinking that are needed if we're to get anything else done.

What your personal "sanctuary" might be, I can't say, it might be a special interest rather than a specific place, or even seeing a counsellor. But the idea is to find something that makes "passing" feel like a choice, to be done if and when it is of benefit, rather than a prison that can't be escaped even when the autistic instincts are crying out for break from it.

It helped quite a bit, actually.




You know, it really could be. Every weekend for the last couple months has been jam packed with a lot of errands, socializing, family events, etc. It's been 12-14 hour days. This last weekend took a huge toll in particular. We found a dog on the side of the road, I was able to get it into the car (we live in an area where it's two lanes through hills and country, and a lot of people use it as a shortcut when highways or city streets are too busy, and they drive FAST). We had to change all our plans for the day, it was supposed to be just us, a relaxed day. The dog was huge, it didn't get along well with our dog, it had a bit of a prey drive and was overly interested in our cats, and I felt so bad for it. So it was a big stressful mess. (Thankfully, we have a spare crate, spare leashes, and a muzzle because we find strays all the time. My mother calls me The Patron of Lost Souls) Thanks to Fido Alert on Facebook we were able to find the owners within 24 hours.
So I think you're on to something there. I probably am near burnout.



I struggle with that a lot. I feel so guilty and useless. I know I shouldn't and get all the logic and psychology and whatnot, of it. But old habits die a slow death, and conditioning even slower in my opinion.




I'm trying to find a way to be okay with who and how I am. It's more difficult than I thought it would be, and I'm not one to underestimate the vagaries and complexity of anything related to psychology.

Thanks for replying with something not only helpful but commiserating, so I know I'm not alone in it. Thank you so much.

I wish I could pet you now, so you’ll relax. Coyotes like affection.

Are you feeling better?

Thankyou, It's good to hear that, and you are welcome.

In its own way, coming to forums like this one is a kind of "sanctuary", I think. So much of what we condition ourselves to hide seems to come from the experience of never having been believed or our attempts at explanation not even being understood. I've had many moments in life where I tried to open up to people only to end up thinking; "I must make a note never to mention this ever again so long as I live." Just having somewhere to talk where no-one is going to berate me for being a freak has been a huge help to me in peeling away the layers of conditioning and being able to treat myself more kindly.

Yes we do. Very much.

Hmm. Yes and no? I don't feel quite so out of control, my anxiety is minimal today. Depression showed this morning, ready and raring to overcome me. But it's clinical, not situational, and I've had it for a loooong time now so I know this dance. I won't say it's easy, because calling depression easy is insulting to anyone that's ever had it, but I'm so familiar with it that even in my extreme lows it doesn't take the same toll it once did, and I know how to navigate it so that I can come out of it better and faster.

Thanks for checking in. It's very sweet. ^-^ I hope you're doing well today.

Thanks for asking.

I'm doing all right. At least the weather is not as cold as it's been the last two weeks.

hey. I don't know if that's a thing yet, but I get what I call a "people hangover" sometimes.
basically, I engage in activites that require me to stretch way beyond my abilities, in particular in regards to socialising- and get burned out from it.
It usually is fun for quite a while before the burnout sets in, but to avoid hangover, I really need to quit people before I get anywhere near burnout territory.
living alone helps a lot - an empty flat does wonders.
I usually take a week of near solitude to recover from a weekend of people.
and occasionally, when I need to be with people for longer, I'll be depressed for two weeks after....

But I'm doing a lot better ever since I figured out that that's what's necessary.

Of course.

It's been pretty cold here, but I live in a temperate area so I feel like our definitions of cold might differ lol

There's one place I wouldn't mind living in: Eureka, California.

It hardly ever gets above 80, and it hardly ever gets below 30 there.

And it's in a nice area, by the ocean. And it's sort of an "artsy" kind of place. I looked for apartments there. The rent isn't as bad as many places in California.

Right now, it's 40 degrees---which is pretty warm for NYC.

One thing I noticed about kitty cats----and I'm sure it applies to coyotes, too: They love to be gently scratched around the ears.

I'm the exact same way. A weekend requires a week, and if I have to stretch beyond my limits well within the week then I either meltdown or burnout, and my depression gets so heavy I usually lose about 10 to 15 lbs during that week.

A lot of the difficulty, for me, is learning to be okay with my limitations. My habit and conditioning strains against it so successfully so often that, to someone on the outside, it looks like I just don't understand the Ins and Outs. I had to live in San Francisco for 7 years, and it was like I went from (if you play video games..) a Level 10 area to Level 50 area without any of the things necessary to survive. Just remembering what it was like... my God, it got ugly.

It was the time in my life where I'd pushed myself the hardest, and I almost broke in half mentally. I was struggling to learn things I'll never be able to actually learn, understand and be capable of (how to be a perfectly social, adept and successful NT that other NTs admire) and then trying to imitate the behavior of those around me with absolutely no success at all. If there wasn't a huge faux pas, there was some subtle signal I'd never been able to pick up and imitate. But it was [i]imperative[/] (at least to my mind) that I not fail, that I pass and blend in, for my continued success and existence within the world I was trying to be a part of.

And so all of that just served to reinforce all my prior conditioning, and so now I'm more or less trying to tear down a stone castle and rebuild it with my bare hands alone.
It's taking a lot of time and effort.

I've actually never been that far North in California. I honestly haven't traveled much, I wish I have, but monetarily it just wasn't really an option for me. But I've heard good things about it.
The lowest it's been out here is, I think, 29 but that was one of those "OH MY GOD LOOK HOW COLD IT IS" on the News kind of nights. Summer sees lots of 80+ days, a handful of 100s, here. I prefer being warm. I don't do well with cold, its psychologically bothersome and it physically hurts.

:salute:

I'm a special case. LOL. I don't like having my ears touched. (genuinely)

I'll just gently pet you, then.

My ideal situation is when a person feels comfy enough with me to just place her head upon my lap, and fall asleep on it. While the person is asleep, I would gentle stroke her hair.

It seems like you live rather close to the coast of Southern California. If you lived in the Inland Empire, you would get many days in the 100's.

I stayed in Van Nuys, and went to Laguna Beach, two years ago. I also went to Venice Beach (didn't like it as much as Laguna Beach).

LOL, hmm, I guess that would depend on your perspective. I live in the Bay Area in Northern Cali, So-Cal is around 400 miles away. I tend to avoid the coast in So Cal when I'm out there, not necessarily on purpose but because everyone I know around the LA area lives much further inland.

It's really lovely around the Bay Area. One of my favorite spots is the Monterey Peninsula. Talk about expensive! LOL. I used to follow golf quite a bit, and Pebble Beach Golf Links is one of the most famous golf courses in the world.

San Francisco is a city of contrasts, in my opinion. I went there, too. It's one of the most "urban" area in the United States that I've ever been in. Places like New York, Chicago, Philadelphia "beat" San Francisco as far as "urbanity" is concerned. But SF is not far behind them. SF is an "old" city, too. Even Chicago is a "newer" city than San Francisco.

You know where it's really nice? Around San Luis Obispo. And around the Napa Valley. I didn't realize how nice these areas were until I actually went there.

Basically most of the Pacific Coast Highway----and many of the roads which emanate from it, are very nice.

It is. It's not as beautiful as it used to be when I was a kid, but it's still pretty out here.
It's been ages since I've been to Monterey. I keep thinking about how long it's been and wanting to go back, but it never seems to be in the cards. :/
My brother-in-law could talk your ear off about Golf lol. I'm okay at it, but I don't play very often and it's not something I have a bunch of interest in.

I hated living there. Lived there for 7 years. Once the novelty wears off, it's ugly, dirty, full of all kinds of crappy people (though you can meet some pretty cool people once in a while), smelly, loud, stressful... lol, sorry for the rant. It was a fun place to live because of what it offered, but the insurmountable task I'd given myself in trying to pass there... it's a bit of a traumatic experience, like an old war wound. Does it? I know someone from NY, he's a bartender at the bar I used to go to all the time with my Husband's friends (best.protection.ever. lol, one was also the bouncer there) but I never really asked him about NY. I figured maybe it wasn't a good idea just because who knows for sure why he's living here in CA. It could be innocuous but it could also be a topic that's sore.

Well, Napa is going to need healing time before it gets back to it's former luster after the fires. But it will, with time. I'm a big fan of the areas surrounding Stanislaus and Yosemite, and also Bodega Bay/Jenner/Guerneville area. My favorite was Fort Ross. I wanted to live there so badly. Maybe we'll retire there one day.