How do I learn not to take pity on strangers?

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Sometimes a poor person will come up to me and ask if I have any spare change or anything and then when I give it to them, they will then change their whole story around and insist that they need more, and when I tell them I cannot spare more, they will say that they saw more in my wallet, when I give them the spare change I had before.

It makes me feel like total crap, and a total wussy, like I've been taken advantage of, because they couldn't even appreciate the spare change I gave them when they asked for it. So I feel like I need to stop taking pity on people who look like they are homeless and ask for it, but I keep repeatedly fall into this trap, and they keel making me feel like crap for it afterwards, and make feel like I've been taken advantage of. Is there a way to get out of this without them hounding me so I don't have to threaten to punch them out or worse, in order to get them to back off?

Or do you have to turn into a jerk sometimes, and harness that almost violent instinct to get people not to take advantage of sometimes?

Hmm I never had anything like that happen, I have given change to homeless people. But I never ran into any who demanded more or anything like that...I have heard of some things like that before though. I think you just kind of have to use a little discretion and don't let people talk you into giving more money.


Nothing wrong with passing some change to a homeless person, if you are able...but yeah you do have to have some caution and be able to say no. I mean I get SSI income so I am in no position to be handing out money to homeless people but from time to time if I got extra change or something I don't really see a reason I can't give that to a person who is worse off than me. I mean if I gave a couple dollar or something to a homeless person and they tried to pressure me to give them more I'd just tell them its all I can spare and move away from them.

But in my experience I haven't had that happen, most I've given spare change too are more grateful for it. I don't mind helping a little if I can but being on limited income myself and with the fact work pay hardly pays for a one bedroom apartment me and my boyfriend have to make sure we have enough to keep our apartment and not end up on the streets ourselves.

well if they have the audacity to demand ur money, tell them to f**k right off xd and ya, beggars, at least in russia, is kinda of a serious business. they have their "job spots" and schedule. preying on people with consciousness...

Okay thanks, but the last person I told to F-off, I then had to fight her off physically and she was willing to resort to violence with me, which has gotten me scared since then. So how do I get myself prepared to fight if necessary, rather than caving and giving in?

i am sorry, i dont know the exact limits of ur physical capability. i happened to pick up objects (such as a chair), to fight somebody off. more than once. its like u can never be really prepaired for violence. one of reasons i never give any change at all and just keep going. too high a probability of complications. maybe i am a terrible person.

Why on Earth would you want to learn that? There are so many suffering, and so much selfishness, indifference, and cruelty in the world already. The only thing which will ever change that is the small acts of kindness by people like yourself. I'm very grateful that you not only feel compassion for others, but act out of that compassion, too. Please don't suppress that in yourself.

"If beings knew, as I know, the results of giving & sharing, they would not eat without having given, nor would the stain of selfishness overcome their minds. Even if it were their last bite, their last mouthful, they would not eat without having shared, if there were someone to receive their gift. But because beings do not know, as I know, the results of giving & sharing, they eat without having given. The stain of selfishness overcomes their minds."
The Buddha

"What actions are most excellent?
To gladden the heart of a human being, To feed the hungry, to help the afflicted, To lighten the sorrow of the sorrowful, and to remove the wrongs of the injured."
Muhammad

And the crowds asked him, “What then should we do?” In reply he said to them, “Whoever has two coats must share with anyone who has none; and whoever has food must do likewise.”
John the Baptist

"And when did we see You a stranger, and invite You in, or naked, and clothe You? When did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You? The King will answer and say to them, 'Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me."
Jesus of Nazareth

Yeah I know it's just I've had bad experiences where I felt taken advantage of afterwards. Not just in these situations but in others too. I had an ex-gf before who needed money but then she just kept asking and asking and kept manipulating the relationship to get it, which ended in heartbreak for me.

So I feel that I have to not allow myself to care for others, for just mere psychological survival, otherwise I will keep on allowing myself to be taken advantage of and just feel more and more ashamed.

As for fighting back, I'm afraid to fight back, especially if it's a woman who gets violent. What if someone else in a public place mis-understands and considers me the aggressor, and things become all the more complicated because of it etc.

sometimes the urge to share can be misplaced. such as with organized beggars. they are not needy ppl, they are a marginal crime organization, that preys on altruistic urges of other ppl. and yes, i am a b***h. i will and will help people in need when i can, but not at the expense of safety and well-being of me and mine. every time u see somebody, apparently in need, analyze it. think if they really are in need, or trying to leech off u, while actually having more than u do. yes, its a cruel world. lambs dont survive here. and feeding leeches harms the entire society, as making them sassier and even more demanding. it IS hard to find border between altruistic and martyr. and to not fall in full defiance when failing that. but nesessery for survival.

Tell them to get their own wallet and walk away.

Just reading that makes me angry.

I too have seen beggars get pushy because they want more. Makes my blood boil. Who the bleep do they think they are demanding to get more? No one is under any obligation to give them a single øre/penny/cent! Passersby don't owe them anything!

Yes, sometimes you definitely need to do just that. And you should absolutely not allow them to take advantage of you or feel pressured to give anything more than you choose to give.

Personally I never give to beggars. They aren't my problem. Even if I had had a lot of money (which I don't), i still wouldn't have, they're not my problem. I'd only give to causes that matter to me, and they are all about the four legged ones.

I used to sometimes give money to beggars in my teens, but I never had the same experience as you with anyone demanding more. In my teens, I'd hoped that I would generate good karma by doing so, but relentless long-standing grievances with my own life along with sharpening my logical side have influenced me to lose faith in anything spiritual, and the grievances I've been burdened with make me feel a lot less giving.

I very rarely give money to strangers nowadays, and if someone should ask, I tell them sorry, I have nothing to spare, which is true because I'd much rather save my leftover money for my own personal use to purchase things for my future of as a failsafe.

The way I see it, nobody is entitled to the contents of my wallet, and if I don't know you, your money problems are certainly not my money problems. Maybe that's cold, but if they can't or don't care enough to help me overcome my long-standing problems, and I don't know them from a bar of soap, I'm not helping them in a way that will cost me without any personal gain to show for it.

I never give money to strangers on the street, just tell them "sorry" and walk on.

I live in a large college town where there are plenty of social services to help out people who need it. Not only that, I worked for a while in said social services and would see these people who could function well enough to get themselves help when the weather turned cold, but then leave by their own choice when the temps warmed up again.

Not saying everyone is a liar but because I don't know anyone on the street asking for money, I don't give anything to anyone.

As other commenters have said, there are people who make a lifestyle out of "panhandling," knowing the best corners to stand on, or even bringing a woman and baby in stroller along to present a more pitiful tableau.

Where I live, there was an "aggressive panhandling" ordinance in the adjacent city, where panhandlers could be arrested. So all the panhandlers wised up and moved just over the city line into my city, forcing our city to also enact panhandling ordinances, which got rid of most of them.

Those who stand on a busy intersection with a sign actually present a traffic hazard if people do stop to give a handout, so this is serious stuff.

I've known somebody who pulled out her wallet to give some cash - and then had the wallet snatched by the panhandler!

So we all agree it's something of a problem. Now, what to do about it. In my opinion, the best thing to do is avoid a discussion, just shake the head no or mutter sorry, without making eye contact. This should be easy for Aspies! Then just walk away.

Our internal struggle is another matter. I want to hold up my autistic daughter as an example, because I was so impressed by something she did. She encountered a homeless man on the street near her building. She told him she couldn't take him into her apartment - but would he like it if she brought him a sandwich? He said yes so she went in, made a sandwich, and brought it out to him. She was honoring her own needs at the same time she honored his needs. I know she is more spiritual than me, and I'm happy that she has found a way to do that while still caring for herself.

Usually it's not too difficult to tell who's genuine and who's a professional. All the tramps in my city are familiar faces to me, but there's only one that I frequently give money to.

As for asking for more - it has happened to me a few times before, and I just politely say "no", and never give them anything again.

Okay thanks, but I couldn't just walk away as I was in the line up to buy tickets at a movie theater the last time, which is very awkward to deal with a situation like this. However, this has happened before to me and others in the same movie theater line up. So I can't just walk away unless I loose my place in line.

Next time if I just put my fists up in a martial arts stance (I took martial arts before) and just scream at them that if they don't run away, they are going to f^%$d up or worse, would that just be the best to guarantee them leaving more? Or would it not be wise to this in a line up with other people?

1. are u able to fight?
2. do u really want to dirty ur hands on a bum?
3. do u want to spend time in police, accused of unmotivated aggresion?
4. are u sure they wont hit u harder?
5. this saying, just tell them to f**k right off (can sound like, no, i will not be giving u anything, get out of my personal space), but be ready to block/dodge if they try to attack u.