I am an idiot.

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I found a great therapist a few months ago. He was really helping. I liked him. I started to trust him. I told him things I wish I hadn't. He got too close to working on the big stuff so today I panicked and cancelled tomorrows appointment. He emailed and suggested changing it to Saturday but I said I'm not coming back. It's not the first time I've done a runner from a therapists I've liked and trusted. It's stupid. I know it's stupid. I can't stop doing it. I hate myself.

....are you unable to go back or is the (proverbial) door still open?

I'm sure he would have me back but I can't do it. I've spent today shaking and alternating between crying, puking and punching myself. As soon as I sent the cancellation email I could breath again. I'm just a gutless, useless waste of his time. He's better of helping people who can be helped.

You're no idiot.
I think you're incredibly brave.

Is it harder to talk about the gritty stuff with someone you like and trust because you fear their perception of you will be altered?

You're on the verge of a breakthrough, Bunny, like you said.

This has happened to me. When I was on the "verge of a breakthrough," I panicked.

I hope you can make an appointment with this person.

If you can't bring yourself to go back to the therapist, then start up with a new therapist, but have the first issue you work on be "what happened with the last therapist, who I was starting to trust."

An even better option would be to go back to the first therapist.

None of this is final. If you want to take a two week break that's ok. Just don't view this as all or nothing. And calling yourself an idiot accomplishes nothing. Sounds to me like you have insight into this matter, so that's the exact opposite of being an idiot!

Good luck.

Well now I'm offended as well as upset. My dearest, darling, beloved, wonderful (that's sarcasm folks) Husband has taken it upon himself to book an appointment for me and says I have the choice of going quietly or he will take me kicking and screaming. He doesn't mind which way I choose but I'm going. He wont even tell me when the appointment is so I can't do a vanishing act. I know I'm behaving like a child but that's no reason to treat me like one.
He even sank as low as blaming it on my ABI. This situation has nothing to do with that. I just don't want to talk about icky things. The things I don't want to talk about are nobody else's business.

That wasn't a cool thing that your husband did. Not at all.

Having a brain injury sucks. I've got used to people treating me differently because of it but I never thought he would. I thought he was better than that. I suppose it means I now have something to talk about at the dreaded appointment other than my train wreck childhood

Well, MAYBE that was an uncool thing for the husband to do ... or maybe he cares about you and thinks you need some outside motivation. Maybe he could see the therapy was helping, and now can see how distressed you are with yourself for withdrawing from it.

My recommendation: Don't obsess over this, but instead, let him take care of you for a while.

What is an ABI? I am familiar with TBI but the "A" threw me.

What's the point of therapy if you give up every time it's about to become valuable to you so that you can work through your past traumas and go on with your life?

Sounds like your husband is doing the right thing because both of you know you need this but you won't follow through, so he's doing his part to assist in the best way he knows how. It's undoubtedly out of love that he's doing it, and also recognizing that you need this but refuse to do it for yourself. I hope you follow through, finally talking about things helps, and that you can then thank your husband for "pushing you over the edge," to do what you know you need to in order to heal.

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