I lost my only close friend

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A year ago I got romantic feelings for my best friend and found out I was bisexual. He started questioning his own sexuality after I told him about it and I got my hopes up way too high, but two months ago he came to the conclusion that he's straight and rejected me romantically. I didn't get mad at him (it's not like he's in control of that) but I got very depressed. Because of that depression, we completely stopped seeing each other and we started getting into a bunch of arguments over messenger these last two months, some small and others pretty big.

Earlier today I texted him to say that I think we should stop being friends because a neurotypical like him just doesn't understand an autistic like me. I wrote a lot more than that and kept it respectful, but that was the primary point. I was really hoping that he would prove me wrong. I have a bad habit of pushing people I love away when things aren't going well, but unlike all my previous friends, this guy has always insisted that we should keep trying and that he would never let me go. That is, until today.

He responded by saying that he agreed with my message, that if I was certain I wanted this then we should stop seeing each other, that our relationship could never work because he doesn't understand me and that ending it in a civil, mature way like this was the only good option. And yeah, he's not wrong, this is probably the best way to go for both of us, but I really wanted him to prove me wrong.

I've never loved anyone like that before, not even my family. I still get butterflies in my stomach when I think about him. I just feel empty now. I have nobody to talk to and nothing to look forward to. And I'm so upset at myself, because we could've had a damn good relationship if I didn't fall in love with him and ruined everything by being depressed afterwards.

Where do I go from here? How do I deal with this intense loneliness and loss I'm feeling right now? It f*****g hurts to have these intensely romantic feelings for someone I might never talk to again. I have struggled with depression for years, but I'm feeling legitimately empty now in a way I've never felt before.

Perhaps if you want a same sex relationship you should persue that to not feel lonely. As for getting over this past relationship I think you should just suffer through it untill you have gotten over it. I have found that time helped me get over ended relatioships. So much time has gone by that I have forgotten about the other person. I still miss them, but it doesnt hurt as much anymore.

As someone who has struggled with this before I can certainly understand what you are going through. The biggest way to deal with this is time. Over time the impact will lessen and soon it will not be a huge deal. The amount of time depends really on you and how you deal with loss. The best thing I can tell you is to not to isolate during this time, exercise and get out as much as you are comfortable with. Do not change your routinw as this may add to the depression. Now that you are 'out' so to speak, you can not look for a romantic partner in some appropraite areas.
Sorry you lost your friend, but it sounds you both handled it maturely and healthy. You guys might talk again since it seems that it was amenable. But again give it time.

Could you have been happy if you had stayed “just friends?”

I’m sensing maybe not. The arguments might have been caused by frustration.

As others have stated, “time heals all wounds.”

A broken heart is unfortunately part of the human condition. Probably 9 people in 10 have experienced it, so even if you feel alone at the moment, you are in good company. Allow yourself to feel depressed - but force yourself to take good care of your nutrition, sleep, exercise, and financial realities. It does take time but eventually you will be your old self again, only older and wiser.

I really don't know.

I told him a year ago that even if he turned out straight, I was happy just being friends. I meant that at the time, but it seems I was wrong.

Maybe if he was autistic too, we would've been able to talk about it and remained friends. I know he did his best to understand my emotions and actions. He got closer than any other neurotypical I've known, but not quite close enough. This has been a problem in our friendship for quite some time, even before the romance problems were brought up.

In a way, I think my hopes of a romantic relationship was what kept us going through hard times. I was always able to forgive him for hurting me, because I wanted our romance to become reality so badly. But without that hopeful future ahead of us, our differences became a lot harder for me to deal with.

That's not to say our friendship was "unhealthy". We've certainly had some amazing days together. The best days of my life were spent with him, and I'll always hold on to the loving messages he used to send me. It just sucks that we didn't have enough in common to make it work.