I Feel like such a loser

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After some pondering for a while, I came to a realization that I am a loser, despite the fact that I’m in college and plan on majoring in a career in engineering, though right now it’s community college and things aren’t so great.

Given how it’s upstate New York, people wouldn’t have the same mindset as those down south and I can’t blame them for it. With cold weather like this, it obviously will change people for the worse.

But I think that despite all this, I shouldn’t make excuses the older I get and make more of an effort into doing the right things in order to make for a better life for myself, but the situations I’ve been in haven’t been so fond of that.

In order to contemplate for the lack of a social life, I try and reach out as much as I can to websites no matter what, especially discord, which seems to be the last bastion to servers filled with 20-somethings with time to kill and talk about the usual memes and stuff that goes on in the internet, while also having weird philosophical debates with no conclusion to begin with.

However, despite all this, I still feel alone, and I sometimes don’t understand why things are the way they are in the first place. Perhaps there’s a reason why I wasn’t able to connect with people easily, whether it be family or peers. The earliest I can recall was when I was 12 and that was the point where my sister and father, and specifically schoolmates and teachers, stopped trying to put an effort into getting to know me, whether it be professionally or emotionally. I guess it must’ve been due to people believing that I was too smart or mature for my own good so it seemed that to my dad and others my age, I was not like other boys my age (as cliche as that sounds) or that I wasn’t the type of person to be around with.

When I entered my teens, the distance grew even farther, so much so that my school and Dad made so much of an issue out of it because I was the only person in the school with autism. Not because I was lonely or anything, but because of my autism. It’s no wonder that my parents hired babysitters until my sister and I were 14 and 16, especially how most of the time the babysitters just spent time with my sister more than me. Back when I was 17 and took the taxi to school for finals, my mom went to talk to my dad and Jen threw his coffee at the wall and talked about frustrated he was of everything, from taxes to family, including the fact that he didn’t like how I was so distant and aloof all the time and never talked to him. But that was because my family was breaking apart and it wasn’t long until social services intervened in December of that year.

When I went to community college full time, I promised myself to make as many friends I could. But the changing transition and dynamics from high school to college only made it worse so. So much so that I kind of developed a permanent, emotionless facade where I hide nothing but show nothing either, so the term “fake it till you make it” means nothing to me now.

But regarding the online sites, it seems to be the only way for people to connect and it’s mainly made people unreliable at this point because people nowadays just can’t seem to communicate with one another. So much so that it sort of relies on the same internet jargon that I mentioned before.

But the things associated with being a loser as per the internet’s discretion is that if you don’t enjoy clubbing, or you’re autistic, or you’re a virgin or never been on a date, or you don’t have a car, then you’re a loser. But then again, who’s to say anyone’s a loser for having one or more of these things?

Given how autism is just hated throughout the internet, it kind of feels that my whole life I was meant to be hated for something that I can’t change. And I know for sure not to let these things get to me, which is exactly the point when it comes to these things, but I feel that the older I get, the more I have to hide myself from others for being autistic or else I’ll be looked down upon if I reveal it.

People fail to realize the idea of ones life. As far as I can tell, it’s generally a one track life for me, as it has been in the beginning since there’s seemingly nothing to come back to with the future looking ever more bleaker by the minute. And while I’m doing fine with grades and other things at the moment, finances just seem to be my crippling point, and there’s not enough time in the day to show how frustrated I am
with this. No matter how much I wish for friends or a love life, I seem to be better off with having better financial security than I am with a social life. And that’s why I’m a loser for it because I’ll have no one to share my experiences with.

Indominus

The dictionary does not define the word "loser" as someone that has no one to "share experiences with,"

According to your description, you are different from others your age (or any age). Different does not necessarily mean bad or wrong

Seriously I don't like "most people"

Confidence does not have to be proportional to competence

Precious lil "people" had the nerve to tell me, that I was "weird", "strange", "stupid", "crazy".

And I am not too normal, sane, or smart. (Fine).


But they were not as morally innocent, socially cool, wise, smart, awesome as they acted








Everyone has strengths and weaknesses

Cliche



Just because you are in the minority does not always mean you are bad, wrong or a "loser"

The word "loser" is vague and subjective

At different times, in different ways, everyone is a winner. At different times, in different ways, everyone is a loser

"Life" goes on

Maybe you could put more emphasis on other parts of life and less emphasis on socializing



Just a random thought

From a fellow "loser" on the internet.

By the way, I, shortfatbalduglyman, have nobody to share things with either

If you want, keep a journal

Some schools offer counseling

Sometimes counseling helps

Sometimes counseling hrrts

Sometimes counseling has no impact

If you want go to counseling and get a support group

To me, it seems like your issues stem from toxic parenting, from constantly being told you do not fit in and by their actions such as hiring babysitters for you at age 16. At that age people generally usually are babysitters not being babysat.

It sucks, it is unfair and you understandably internalized it. But now you are in college which gives you the opportunity to start the process of becoming independent. When you are in college you are away from your parents. If the internet is messing you up go on it less often. You can join clubs dedicated to your interest or just hang out at the college library reading about your interests. Undoing that type of upbringing is difficult, it takes the time it involves painful mistakes and setbacks.

The bottom line is that it is just too early in your life to make final judgements about what it will be and who you are.

You have a point by saying that when my sister and I were 14 and 16, we were old enough to be babysitters and not be babysat. But it’s just that our parents were so, so busy with working that they didn’t have time to raise us or take care of the house or anything. But I say at that point because that was when we started using the taxi service to take us home often.

I can’t really seem to go on the internet less often because it’s seemingly the only form of entertainment and other stuff that I have. Plus, given how my Mac charger broke, I’ll have to buy a new one tomorrow because my parents have to give me $100 to owe up for the gift cards I was given on my birthday they used for their stupid f*****g finances and s**t. It’s BS.

And for the record, I have joined clubs. But with the daunting weather at hand, I realized how much of a burden it is to walk up and down in the godforsaken Ragnarok that is upstate New York and there’s not enough time in the day to dedicate to clubs that aren’t active or not doing anything. The history club as I said has no members, which is why students are unreliable like I said because they don’t go so far to reach out to others. The student government which I’m a part of isn’t doing it for me and it’s so daunting to go to each meeting and talk about the issues, only to realize that they won’t do anything about it and just make up some stupid excuse along the way. I’m starting to believe that it doesn’t matter anymore how many clubs you join or what you’re a part of. If they’re not doing anything, then don’t stick with them. I thought that I could make a difference and stand out, but now it just seems that I’m part of a system that’s on life support and I don’t want to be a part of that. I have to look after myself if I’m to succeed. And that’s the saddest part because that’s where I’ll be the most alone. But at least I’ll have the most time to myself to grow as a person.

I’m not sure if I understand about what you said about me internalizing whatever, though.