Who or what am I?

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This will be a long post...

I don't know who or what I am anymore. When I think about how I feel, I draw blanks. I don't recognize sadness, happiness, anger, fear, nothing. I can't even define what all of those things even mean! If I can't define it or recognize it, does that mean it ever actually existed?

I want to make friends but I don't even know what a friend is. My mother said she was my friend, I have maybe two people in my life that called me a friend but when I look at the definition of friend, it doesn't add up. If anyone asked me what a friend was I would have no idea. How can I make a friend if I can't define what it is?

I said I want to go to college but I don't even remember or know why. I said I want a job but I'm not sure the reason why I want that either! Many things that I asked for in my life I have no idea why I wanted it. Did I only say those things because someone told me that was what I was suppose to do or something led me to believe I wanted it? I think about why I want things and I get nothing.

I don't really know what I want in life at all. I have said I wanted to take care of my family and have kids but when I think about it that's the exact same thing my mother wanted. Many times my family said that I am just like my mother. Have I just adopted the traits of my mother? When I ask myself if that's what I want to do in life I get nothing.

My brother has told me that many things that I think or do is because my mother said something. I'm now trying to be a more independent thinker and not let things influence me but everytime I think about anything that pertains to just me, I come up with nothing but blanks.

I don't even know if my thoughts, what I say, how I act, is me or just something I got from someone else. How can I function or communicate with anyone if I don't even know who I am?

Everybody is influenced, in some way, by others.

It might be an overt influence. It might be a more indirect influence.

Shakespeare might be the greatest playwright who ever lived. But it should be noted that he, himself, created very few plays from "scratch." What he created was his own unique take on what others wrote previously.

Despite this nobody doubts that Shakespeare wrote "his own" plays.

What I think you're saying is that you seek to have thoughts which are not influenced, in any way, by another person. You also seek to get away, at times, from the influence of the most paramount person in your life: Your mother. You want to have thoughts and opinions which are not the product of her thoughts and opinions. And you feel frustrated about the extremity of her influence.

Sometimes I do wish my mother wouldn't be as influential to my thoughts. The problem I'm having though is that I don't know what about me is me. It's like the phrase "stay true to yourself." I don't know what my true self is. I guess I'm having an identity crisis?

I can't remember my feelings or recognize them, I also can't recognize the connections I have with people, whether physical or emotional, and I don't really know what I want or need in life. At the moment everything just seems blank, like there is nothing there, a hollow shell...

Is this a consistent feeling that is within you always?

I think this was an exceptionally insightful post.

Thanks very much, Aspiedad.

Aquinebay: If you feel disconcerted about your perceived inability to express or define your feelings, this is a great start towards your goal of understanding.

The fact that you can clearly define your discontent is rather a good start.

It’s reflective of the oft stated notion that “insight is the first step” towards an alleviation of your frustration through a clear understanding of what makes you, as an individual, tick.

Is your mother a control freak like mine?

I understand how you feel about that phrase. I get told that but at the same time, I get told "Don't do this, don't do that." if I am open about certain things. I wish society would make up its mind already.

I know you are struggling with a dilemma but on the same token, I think it's a good thing you are being introspective. A lot of people don't do that even for a minute and they just keep going through life as autonomous robots. I used to let other people's outlooks rule mine and it made me miss out on a lot of things but something inside me made me tell myself "It's up to me to decide what makes me happy, not other people." and I am glad it happened. Hopefully this will lead to something good for you.

If my mother was a control freak I would have no idea. Things like "control freak" and being "obsessive" I can only go by definition, just like "friend". I know that a definition doesn't define a person and those terms are applied differently depending on the person you're talking to, so really I have no idea.

Marknis, I get told the same thing "don't do this, don't do that"! It becomes a problem when it comes to social situations, since whatever I did right or wrong depends on the person. Now it takes me a long time to say things when talking to people because I try to figure out what is the right thing to say, or take too long, realize I'm taking too long and barely get a sentence out. I tried just talking without really thinking but...that failed.



Kraftie thanks, at least I feel I'm getting somewhere. I'm just hoping it doesn't take me forever to figure out what makes me tick.

By the way, thanks for the replies. I know it was random but I just want you to know I am grateful.

You are young, and being autistic it makes you socially younger than your age. I'm sure your already aware of that, but for the purposes of discussion, I'll say it. When I was your age, I was very clueless socially. Over the years, I learned a lot.

What you should do is use analysis in order to fill in the significant gaps in your social understanding. If you have any neurotypical friends, you might want to tap them to ask questions. These will need to be friends who will not mock you, as I'm sure they'll find your questions significantly simple. Also, I'd be happy to answer questions you have through PM or through this forum. When I don't know an answer, I'll be honest with you (hold off on asking for any dating advice from me).

You need to fill your brain with social knowledge, and develop scripts on how to answer people. Don't look in a dictionary for formal definitions for social questions, try to ask NT friends. If they are sports, have them demonstrate for you. I think that if an autistic has access to open-minded, sincere, patient, and generous NTs, they would greatly increase the speed at which they learn social skills.

At first, I think you'll find that you are "acting" when you try to work towards being NT, and also towards filling in understanding for the social gaps you have. However, over time you'll find "yourself" because you'll find direction in your life, and take some control over it. You'll have your ups and down, but you have an identity and value and you'll find it.

I feel a great deal of sympathy regarding your post. I felt the same way you did (and on occasion still do). You need any support, I'm there in the way that I can be. I'm sorry you are going through this!