Dear depression

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Hello darkness my old friend. It’s been a while. I was almost happy. Almost. Was that it? Is that why you have returned? Your iron fist in the velvet glove; come to crush the sanity from my feeble mind. Or was it the other way around. Was my fleeting brush with happiness the insanity that so offended you?
So here you are. Creeping, sucking, stealing what isn’t yours and not even mine. An illusion, no more. No substance. No form. Even the memory is elusive. No wonder it was so easy to destroy. To rend asunder gossamer is no feat at all. But to scrape together the tattered fragments, now there is an undertaking of Herculean proportions that even the brave and bold would quail at and I am neither.
I am a broken vessel that leaks of will and courage. Not much of a prize and yet you claim me and revel in your rather shallow victory. I am your vassal, your slave and you the only master I will ever truly know. How I despise you but where do you end and I start? So bound together you and I. Entwined, enmeshed and never complete alone. You are an illness and I no more than that.

Oh Bunny.

You’re a nice lady.

It’s not fair that you’re in its grip.

Take solace that, at the very least, you’re eloquent.

Eloquence is something which can provide oil which could very well help release you from its grip.

You are more than that. Maybe never alone. And maybe you are right that there is no point where it ends and you start. Maybe it will always be an integral part of you. Not to fear, not to try to cast away but to make peace with. But the happiness was a part of you too. They are both there together. Anyone who is just "happy" is a phoney. Everything has two sides: being aware of both, making peace with both, fearing neither - that is the way to live and grow stronger. There will be good patches and bad patches, maybe with time there will be more good patches than bad patches. I hope so.

Because you are so incredibly strong. I find you so impressive. Absolutely awesome. You stand as a pretty fierce and inspiring example of brilliance and survival. I think you are nothing short of incredible.

And Kraftie is right, you are also super eloquent.

And..... you are definitely NOT broken.

You write beautifully.

How are you doing?

I hope you're doing alright, and/or get feeling better.

BunnyB, I want you to be good and stubborn. I want you to be GOOD and STUBBORN.

I hope you respond, Bunny.

I've called multiple lovers "Honey Bunny."

Gosh, sorry guys. I hope I didn’t worry anyone. I’m such a bother to everyone. I am safe and in Japan. Kyoto to be precise. One of life’s great mysteries is how I managed to marry one of the nicest people ever to walk this earth. He really is a saint. He realised I was having a very bad sad and has brought me here to visit my son and just be in my happy place which Japan is.
How he got me through the airports, planes and trains I don’t know. I was really messed up but I’m getting better slowly. Sorry if anyone was worried. I’m really touched. Thank-you

as you must know by now, japan is a lovely place. my ancestors are from there. i'd love to be able to visit there meself. hope you're able to see the sights there alright and that the exchange rate is favorable to you.

I wish I did have formidable strength. I’m actually a big sook. My husband is the one with all the strength. He copes when all I can do is tell him I hate him for insisting that I go on living and that if he had any humanity he would help me die. That failing to do so is nothing more than selfishness on his part and he needs to release me from my promise not to suicide. When I fall down the rabbit hole I say really horrible things to him and mean them. Depression is just so damn painful. It’s like being flayed alive from the inside.

I think I understand a little. I spent the best part of two years trying to make my parents hate me, not because I hated them, but because their love felt like a huge demand and restriction stopping me from being free to live my life, even if living my life meant taking it.

I don't feel that way anymore. I love life so much it aches in me like eternal gratitude for each and every minute.

Having the freedom was all that mattered.

What about...?

Glad you're ok. And in Japan! I'm a little jealous, I've always wanted to go.

Kyoto has nice temples!

And it was the capital of Japan before Tokyo.