How do you cope? Maybe trigger warning

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Achieve the impossible – then it will be added to the list of your everyday duties.

This is what I think of diagnisisless high functioning.
Marriage, children, good job. And Pain. Lots and lots of Pain every fscking day.
But you are able to put the appropriate mask on your face. Smile, talk. Laugh a bit on your absent-mindedness that put you again in trouble so people are more willing to help.
Earplugs don't help much because the noise in your own ears is a sensory torture. But you smile. So the people don't freak up on you and hopefully leave you alone.
But you are not left alone. Lonely but not alone. Your spouse loves you – he wants your company. But he doesn't want to see you rocking with empty eyes, it will make him sad and angry. He wants to see your eyes – that way – smiling and nice. You don't really know when you start acting again.
Your children love you. They come and hug, and talk. It's painful but you listen. Because they trust you, they share their lives with you.
Your head is exploding but you can't remove the nice smile glued to your face. You have to fight for every minute alone against the ones you love.
Then you go to work. With your past achevements, you stare blankly at the screen, wondering, if all that smart things you did someday were real. Now you can't add 1+1. And you again forgot about appointments.

I know I shouldn't but I just want to die so it all ends and I could rest.

Sounds pretty bad. Have you only recently started to feel this way? If so, then maybe it'll pass. If not then considering therapy might be your best option... or perhaps a sick leave from work? Can you get one because of depression/burn out where you're from?

How do I cope? I cope by not having needs. Kant speaks about the rational suspension of human autonomy when committing to the army. I kind of see my current life a little bit like that. My daughter's needs surpass my own so I keep on persevering. I also had this theory which I based half my life on that when my environment is too easy and simple I create internal conflict and the way to rectify that in my own life is to increase external challenges. Hence, when I moved out at 15, I moved from a very sheltered and safe environment to living alone, with a new language, whole new set of demands and "hey, presto" my internal fuck-ups disappeared as I had to keep fighting to keep my head over the water! I am not sure how well my theory really holds up but I am too tired to really consider it more deeply right now!

So, is that a good way to cope? No, probably not.

A better plan, simplify everything that can be simplified.

How old are your children? Can they entertain themselves for a while here and there? Do they read? Can they sew, knit? What are they into? Can you simplify the time you care for them by either setting them up with more things to do around the house, more hobbies, or by giving them more independence? Can they help more with the house, food etc?

Food, can you batch cook so it is really easy to get food out and re-heat. Can you shop for food online. Anything to save time and give you more privacy, time to yourself.

Can you have a few set times a week when your husband is in charge and the children know they are not allowed to bother you in any way shape or form? Like my husband tends to come home and then goes upstairs with the girls whilst they bath. I then clear up the kitchen after dinner and it is not like the most relaxing time but I always put on really loud music and just zone everyone and everything out for a little bit. That is a good sliver of "me" time. It sounds petty but it means a lot and gives me the cope to get through the rest of the evening.

I don't work right now as my youngest daughter is still very little so I can't even imagine how that would fit into my life but once again, is there any scope for simplifying or reducing your hours or just trying to run on auto-pilot for a while?

I just posted over in members only about very similar issues. It's so hard. I don't know how to get through, but I'm going through similar things. I could have written your post almost exactly.

How old are your kids? I find the physical touch so hard, because I know how important it is developmentally, but I just want to scream, curl into a ball and that's not fair on them. My daughter also prob has asd, so she's very exhausting.

Thanks

My girls are 5 and 6. The older loves drawing and visual arts in general, the younger loves numbers and words. My last discovery were crosswords for children, they both play excellently with them, sharing or taking turns. They don't sew for they are afraid of using needles and I don't push.

It always gets worse after a visit to my inlaws... I guess there is quite a lot of things going on below the surface about it. My spouse's eating disorder is clearly linked to his parents' habits so at their home he becomes anxious and anxious not to show it... and ultimately it all falls on my coping strategies.

I don't cook much, my husband has always been doing the cooking, it's his special interest, although given his problems, maybe he shouldn't... anyway, me and the kids have a decent lunch at work and school, breakfasts and suppers are no big deal. But my husband takes it because this way he can do something at home that doesn't end with his meltdown.
Heah, he is likely an Aspie too, an intoverted nerd with poor social skills, a list of "passing" strategies in social situations, very intense interests, some sensory issues, dysgraphia and violent meltdowns every now and then. I used to manage his meltdowns very well until we both got overwhelmed by our lifes.