Tried to jump in front of a train last Friday

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Last week I was fired from my job after making one too many mistakes. I tried to learn from them and do better but it was too little too late and my manager had to let me go. This came as a shock to me because I really liked the job and I tried so hard to be a good employee. After she walked me out the building I decided to go out drinking in order to get my mind off things. Once I got to bar I had so many gin and tonic's that I lost count. I have a pretty high alcohol tolerance so I was still lucid after I left the bar and decided to go to another bar where I had even more drinks. When I left the second bar everything went dark and next thing I remember I was standing on the edge of the train tracks about to jump when police officers came and they grabbed me. I remember telling one of the police officers to shoot me and I don't remember what I did but they hand cuffed me and pinned me to the ground until paramedics arrived. I awoke in the hospital with a fractured ankle and the nurse gave me a recap of what happened last night.

Aside from losing my job I have had life long depression and anxiety which I have not been able to overcome despite taking medication and seeing a psychologist. I ended up being prescribed 5 different medications being: Trintellix, Buspar, Abilify, Wellbutrin, and Trazadone. I was taking high doses and to be honest I could hardly see a difference of my depression and they made me feel sick and restless. I felt that taking so much medication was not normal so I stopped taking them. I know that there are other therapists and medications out there but I just don't see things ever changing for me. It is like I have these inherit flaws in me that I will never be able to change. I am 25 now and if you would have told me at 18 that things will "get better" that would have not been the truth. I have less and less faith as time goes on that I will ever have a life that is worth living. I do not have any friends and I have enormous trouble socializing and making friends with people. It seems that people always have a negative perception of me regardless of whatever I try to do.

Right now I am contemplating of whether or not giving medication and therapy another chance or if I should just jump of a bridge or try jumping in front of the train again.

hiya Authentic welcome to WP
I for one, want you to stick around. I want you to say, "just for today, I will give it another effort." then sleep on it, then repeat the next day. please talk to us some more. you are among your kind here.

I was suicidal once because I couldnt get or keep a job. It was hard for anyone to reason with me in that state. After finaly getting help things got better. I was given a nice apartment that I didnt have to pay for because Im on the system. Now I dont have to worry about getting a job. I realize that some people would rather work and have more money though. There are other jobs. Who knows you failed at one but you might be good at a different one.

I dont think you should try to kill yourself. I think you should live. Things might not get any better. But there are still things to live for. I wish someone would have told me that when I was suicidal.

One thing about Sarah. There's no "hiding" with her. What you see is what you get

Really, this is my "authentic" opinion. Go the therapy route again.

I know how you feel. I've lost a few jobs, and I felt devastated.

But do give it a try again.

Have you applied for Unemployment?

Please try therapy again, Also some different meds.

this isn’t meant to come across in a berating tone, it’s just meant to be informative in case you know no better.

forcing an innocent to kill you is rather likely to cause them ptsd, depression, anxiety, insomnia, an aversion to going back to work, or even be around others including family.

how does a train engineer go back to work knowing they were the last person to see an innocent alive, and that they failed to stop the train? such traumas have been compared to the shell shock of vietnam veterans, because the crippling guilt evoking odds of killing innocents along their career are more “when” rather than “if”.

please seek help, life can get better through finding wisdom necessary to learn of a different fulfilling life than the one you’d like currently. if to have obtained perceived success desired in early adulthood, life in these thirties would be disillusioned, and frantically seeking a new definition instead of already being upon path.

Give meds and therapy lots more chances dude , you need to talk to a professional about your suicidal thoughts.

I've met people in psychiatric hospital who attempted suicide by jumping off a bridge or in front of a train and they both f****d themselves up bad and in a worse place than before ( One lost his arm , the other broke his back )

Please consider contacting a service where you will be listened to and not judged. Lifeline, Samaritans, helplines, because bottling this up is dangerous for you. We all need support in these crisis situations, and you have done a good thing by posting here for a start. Well done for that. Please try not to judge yourself harshly - when the world is beating up on you, don't join in and victimise yourself too - you are already in enough pain. You can and will get through this.

Will things get better in years to come? All I can tell you is that was true for me, and I have lived much longer than you. You get older, you know better - we pick up a lot of experience along the way - and you do better because you know better.

Right now this learning curve is very harsh and painful for you. I understand that. The first four decades of my life were far more troubled and unhappy than the following three decades. None of us can know the future, for sure, though it is premature to regard it as hopeless at this stage of your life. What is certain is that you are in a lot of pain, an enormous amount, and you need careful support as you process it and restabalise your life.

I find comfort in an old Japanese proverb about the meaning of success: "fall down 99 times, get up once". I can absolutely tell you that in the course of life, I learned far far more from my failures than my successes, and that without my earlier failures, there wouldn't have been later success.

When you are recovered from this traumatic set of events, it might be worth considering working with a career professional to identify your major strengths and the best niches for their use, and ways of playing to them. But for know, the most important thing is to be kind and gentle to yourself, don't get too isolated, and tread yourself with respect. Another old (and wise) maxim to bear in mind is that the only failure is never to try. So you haven't failed yet.

If you are unable for some reason to access a support line, then look for support in a group. Somewhere there will be a group for you and you will find welcome and support there.

A book that got me through a terrible time in my life, when I too was badly wounded, hurting and alone was Laura Day's "Welcome to Your Crisis" which I found in the library. She wrote it after suffering terrible circumstances which brought her to absolute despair, and it describes her journey to recovery. Not everyone's journey is the same, and hers was different from mine, though in every page I found connection, because she really did know how I was feeling (shattered, worn out, alone, hopeless) and she could communicate that understanding. She got me through it, a total stranger, so help can arrive in very different ways. Her encouragement and support led me to make some very life changing decisions that same day (as I read her book) which led me in a new and healing direction.

I wish you the same experience, ie finding that gateway from despair to hope, and going through it. You are clearly an articulate person and one who has great perseverance skills. These and other strong qualities will still be there when the pain diminishes. All the best for the future, and I feel for the pain you are currently in.

GOODBYE EVERYBODY ALL ABRAHAMIC RELIGIONS ARE A LIE i MUST DIE

^^^ no you must not die. btw, welcome to WP

don't die dude

Sorry everyone I was drunk when I made that post

but now you're sober and with us

You may want to lay off the booze as its been bringing out the worst in you. You could try smoking pot instead because it has nearly no negative effects.

^^^careful, there are some strains of pot that make some people [especially those with a predisposition] more paranoid than they normally are.

I am glad you are still alive and that I didn't sign into WP today until after you posted you were okay. My heart nearly stopped! when I read the earlier post.

I hope you keep trying. I am not one to heartily recommend therapy due to some extremely bad experiences. However, when I was ready to lie down in the center of the highway one day, it was a call to a therapist that kept me whole.