Uncle ruined my holiday.

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I'll preface this by explaining that I'm extremely sensitive to fragrances and chemical fumes, and I can get really sick depending on the product and the length of exposure including asthma attacks and seizure like symptoms.

My uncle likes to use Axe products which are very bad for me and a lot of people with similar allergies/sensitivities. In fact, there are even schools that have banned it due to people getting sick from it. After getting sick from it many times over the years when he visited, I had to put my foot down and tell him that he couldn't use those products when he visited.

He agreed, but we kept having problems from things like the fabric version of cross contamination. His clothes would absorb the fumes, and while he might wash those, he wouldn't think to wash the coat that had become contaminated. If he ever put contaminated clothing in a suitcase, that suitcase was now contaminated.

Honestly, it's insane the lengths he has to go to in order not to make me sick. He has to have a special coat and special suitcase for when he visits that have never come in contact with any object that was contaminated with these products. He's even said that sometimes he'll just buy all new clothes before he comes to visit. At this point it's starting to feel like a smoker that refuses to quit smoking despite making their loved ones ill, and it's a fair comparison given that the stench of those products gets into everything like smoke does.

And jumping to the present, I became ill within two minutes of him entering my house this weekend. At first we thought it was just coming off of his coat, and we stuck it in the garage. Unfortunately, that was more than enough time for the stench to spread through the lower floor of the house. And I was forced to eat cereal alone in my room instead of enjoying a holiday dinner with my family. By the next day, I realized that the smell was coming from all of his clothes, and I was getting more and more ill from repeated exposure to the point that I actually collapsed last night(missing a 2nd dinner with my family). We're not sure, but we think the problem is the fact that he had his clothes dry cleaned(odd considering the fact that nothing he wears needs to be dry cleaned) and dry cleaning really doesn't do a good job of getting odors out of fabric.

I was still being made ill even after he left, because the fumes got absorbed into the family room couch, and the bed he slept in. I'm really worried about the state my sister's car is in considering the fact that rides from her are the only way I have to get around most of the time these days. After what happened this weekend, I really don't feel safe having him come over any more, because I'm going to have no idea until he arrives whether or not he's going to make me sick and next time I might end up in the hospital. The bottom line is that I shouldn't have to worry about being made ill like that in my own home. If it was anyone else, I'd ask them to leave immediately, but since he's family, he gets to stay until his scheduled train ride home. Though, if I was the one that owned the home rather than my mother, I'd probably force him to take an earlier train or go to a hotel if he couldn't.

I realize that asking him to quit using these strongly scented products altogether is a bit ridiculous for the several times a year he visits, but it's something that I might have to do. This is doing serious harm to my relationship with him, and if something like this happens one more time, I think it will be beyond salvaging, which is not good since he sometimes helps me out financially. Though honestly, if he did quit using those products, he wouldn't just be doing me a favor, but he'd be doing a favor to everyone he comes into contact with that might have similar medical issues, and the number of people with fragrance and chemical allergies/sensitivities is growing all the time. I also realize that he did not intend to make me sick, but the fact of the matter is that choices he made caused me to become ill, and it's something that could have been prevented if he made different life choices. Maybe there are other plans of action he could take to keep me safe without giving up the products he likes, but I don't really trust him at all not to slip up any more.

As an after note, all of the violent coughing I did over the last couple of days as a result of exposure to these fumes really exacerbated a possible hernia, and I'm in quite a bit of pain from that on top of everything else.

There are two types of men. Those who don't use any type of cologne, and those who dumped entire bottle on themselves...or at least that's what it smells like they did.

In my opinion, any type of artificial fragrance should be subtle at most. I think for men, standard deoderant and the scent from their shaving cream is enough. They should not use scented products to the extent that it overpowers their natural (clean) scent.

As far as I know, he doesn't wear any actual "cologne" but the Axe deodorant, and possibly the Axe bodywash(and whatever other Axe products he uses) are plenty strong enough on their own.

Because of my health issues, I really need people around me to be as fragrance free as possible, and I always tell people coming to the house that they can't be wearing any scented products. There are certainly products that while I can't wear them myself, I might be able to tolerate them on someone else, especially if some time has passed since they were applied, but it's really impossible to say ahead of time if a product is going to be safe, and I'd rather be safe than sorry.

The same goes for smokers too. I had to make a rule that no smokers are allowed in my house because the fumes coming off their clothes will also make me ill and linger in my home for quite awhile afterwards. I could only make an exception if the smoker didn't smoke at all that day before coming over and wasn't wearing any items of clothing that had ever been worn while they were smoking, including coats, hats and the like.

What does your mother, who owns the house, say about this?

I hate Axe. Working in a middle school, the kids decide to use it as a way of dousing themselves as opposed to actually bathing. That stuff should be banned. I myself get horrible migraines as a result of prolonged exposure to it and things like it.
The kind of migraines where I have to be horizontal for two hours and vomit. Its horrible. I feel you.
I would leave the house until he leaves, hinting that it causes you extreme pyhsical discomfort to be around it.

@BeaArthur

Well, she had a stroke over a year ago and I can't understand about 80% of what she says. However, when I told her that it wasn't right that I had to miss family dinner because of him, she said "You're right." I did really appreciate her saying that. I also found it a bit hypocritical because there were times when we used to have recurring fights about me getting sick because she refused to give up hairspray and there were family events that I missed because of it. There were so many hoops we had to jump through to minimize the chances of me having a reaction, but there were still slip ups. In fact, the stroke was the only thing that made her finally give it up, probably because it's hard to style your hair one handed. She now wears a wig. At least the fragrance of her hairspray would fade after about an hour, unlike my uncle's stuff which persists indefinitely.

Anyway, because of the stroke, even if she's truly on my side and wants to help me, she might not be able to properly communicate any measures she wants to take with my uncle. My sister who is her primary care giver and POA is in more of a position to do something about this situation. Right now she's dealing with the couch using the baking soda remedy(which will hopefully work), but as of right now, she hasn't voiced any ideas for preventing this sort of thing from happening in the future. I suggested that if this happens again, that we immediately throw all of his clothes in our washing machine(something in hindsight we should have done this weekend), but that's really not the most ideal solution, because it would probably still wind up with me initially having a reaction when he first enters the house and having to quarantine myself in my room until the lower floor can air out. According to her, partly because of what happened this weekend, and because of things going on with him, he doesn't plan on visiting as often this year, so I might not have to worry about this again until September, or maybe not until next Thanksgiving, which is a bit of a relief.

@redbrick1

You certainly have my sympathies. Unfortunately leaving the house really isn't an option. I'm not able to drive, and even if I could, I don't have anyone I could stay with. He visits from out of state, so it's not like he's only there for a few hours. He always spends at least one night, and there have been times when he's stayed four nights.

In any case, I don't have to hint that it causes me extreme physical discomfort. I'm very vocal about how ill it makes me(both with words and coughing fits) and he witnessed me collapsing last night.

I wonder if maybe you could take this one step further and have a set of clothes for your uncle which you could keep permanently at your home? If he has bought new clothes in the past specifically for visits, as you mentioned, he might consider this a reasonable solution.

I'm going to suggest two possible remedies. Your mother and sister could visit HIM, leaving you behind. Or, when he comes to town, you guys all dine out and then he has to stay at a hotel rather than your house.

Exiling you to your room is not a solution, especially when the rest of the house is contaminated. You deserve better than that.

None of your possible solutions is going to be perfect, but the two I suggested at least keep family ties intact. Rules about buying new clothes before he comes in, I don't think that will be followed conscientiously. He seems to be in some kind of denial, or obliviousness, like the people who subject others to their second-hand smoke despite their protests. The right thing for your uncle to do is just give up the damn Axe, since it bothers you and no doubt bothers other people too, but evidently that's not on the table.

@Trogluddite He does keep a set of pajamas here, but I'm not sure if we have room to keep a few sets of clothes for him given that sometimes he'll stay for four days. The house really isn't very big. We don't even have a guest room for him. He tends to sleep in my sister's room and then she'll sleep on the family room couch. I'll definitely mention it to my sister, but I have no idea where we'd put them.

@BeaArthur Visiting him would be difficult for my mother since the stroke. He lives in a tiny apartment which is not handicapped accessible, and has no room for guests even if it was. He could shell out money for them to stay in a hotel, but I'm not sure he'd go for that. I'm also not sure how my mother would do sleeping in a normal bed as she currently sleeps in an electric recliner chair. He's also stated in the past that part of the reason he comes here is because it would be easier to work around his schedule than all of our schedules. He also likes to get out of the city from time to time.

I would greatly prefer it if he stayed in a hotel when he visited here, since his visits tend to stress me out for reasons other than being poisoned. He won't cancel his visits even if he's sick, and he brushes his teeth like the Tasmanian Devil(I actually had to clean toothpaste off the light switch this visit). I'm not sure we can really force him to stay in a hotel though. He helps my family out a lot financially(which is part of the reason his own apartment is so small), so technically he pays rent here. It's not that I think he's the type of person that would withhold the money we need to make ends meet just because he can't sleep over, but I don't think anyone wants to test it.

I think you're right that he's in some sort of denial. This visit he had a persistent cough. I asked if he was getting sick, and he said that he didn't know but that he just couldn't shake the cough. Is it horrible that I hope he's reacting to his own products? If that was true, it would force him to give them up, but he'd probably be in denial about it for a long time. Regardless, I really wish he would give the stuff up, both for my sake and the sake of everyone trapped with him on the public transportation he uses back home.

Thank you both for the suggestions. I'll definitely bring them up with my family and see what they think about them.

That kind of thing makes me sick too!

There are people who reek so bad, either of B.O. or cologne/perfume that I get sick when I'm anywhere near them. It is extremely unpleasant.

The only real solution is for the OP to move out.

I’d consider myself lucky in the OP’s shoes if her mother and sister don’t object to those inconvenient and expensive measures, and if they don’t outright forbid her to retreat to her room, considering it rude towards her uncle.



I suspect the rules about the OP’s uncle never staying at the OP’s mother’s house wouldn’t, either.



He has every right to keep using it and to keep rubbing everyone’s nose in it as long as the OP’s mother tolerates it.

I found your entire post to be highly insensitive regarding something that is potentially a life-threatening medical issue, which I've been in the ER for twice in the past year.

As for moving out, you act like it's so simple when you have no idea what my situation is. If it was possible for me to move out, I'd have done it a long time ago. I could go into all the reasons why this isn't possible now or anytime in the foreseeable future, but I don't owe you that after the post you made. So all I'll say is that the fact that I'm even a member of this website should give you a clue as to one of the reasons I'm not able to move out and live on my own.

That’s the whole point: what threatens your life is your problem. It’s generally wise not to depend on other people caring about it.



I didn’t say it’s simple at all. In fact, I’ve spent a lot of shameful years trying to do it myself, without knowing very well how, and although now I technically have a job and am physically away, I can’t consider myself independent. I have nothing to be proud of, but I’ve learned the hard way that when you depend on someone, they can very much do whatever the hell they want with you, without giving a s**t about the consequences on you, no matter what the law says. If you don’t like it, you go away, and if you fail to survive, it’s your problem, not theirs.

I didn’t say it’s simple; I said it’s the only real solution.

It wasn’t my intent to offend you, so I apologize and leave this thread.

I shouldn't even bother replying to someone that thinks I deserve a death sentence if I'm not able to survive on my own, but I'll just say that the fact that you think this is only my problem just shows once again that you don't know enough about my home situation to be making comments like this. If I died or moved out, it would be a big problem for my mother and two sisters. While the family does rely on my uncle to help make ends meet, a quarter of the household expenses comes from my disability money. Therefore, my problem is the entire household's problem.

As an update. Leaving baking soda on the couch overnight really didn't help. It did seem to remove some of the smell, so I can't really smell anything when sitting there, but I'm still having reactions sitting on the couch, or even just leaning over the couch to open/close the blinds. If I stick my nose in the fabric, there's definitely still a noticeable smell there. My sister doesn't want to try any other home remedies for fear of damaging the fabric. She assures me that it will eventually fade, but I don't know if that stuff will ever really come out without washing it. Either way, I'm probably going to be stuck having to avoid the couch for weeks or months. This is extremely frustrating because it took months of breaking in the couch before I could sit on it without being in pain. I was just starting to get back into the habit of spending time with my stroke-ridden mother again in the family room where she spends almost all of her time, and now that's ruined.

I also just checked my sister's car, which as I said in a previous post is the only way I have to get around most of the time these days, and the situation is pretty much the same as with the couch even though he spent much less time in the car than on the couch. I don't immediately smell anything, other than some remnants of new car smell, upon getting into the car, but if I sniff the seat where my uncle was sitting, it definitely smells quite a bit. My sister has opened the car windows to try and air things out. I don't know if it will help, but it can't hurt. I'm just worried because I have an appointment I have to get to tomorrow, and I have no idea how ill it's going to make me riding in the car. At least with the car we have the option of getting it detailed(which I expect my uncle to pay for if we end up doing that).

Once I get home from my appointment tomorrow, I think I'm going to have to email my uncle and tell him exactly how everything's been affecting me since he left, because I still think he really doesn't understand how serious this is. There isn't even really anything I can take to prevent myself from having a reaction. There's just my rescue inhaler if I have an asthma attack, and ibuprofen can help with the pressure in my head, but that could take over an hour to start helping(I know from experience that taking it before hand won't help). There's nothing I can take to help the neurological side effects such as dizziness, impaired cognitive function, and my limbs temporarily not working right.

Wow your condition is quite seriouse. Definately email your uncle and tell him what this has done to you. I hope he has the decency to avoid using axe next time he visits.