This is just meant to be a type of stream of random thoughts and feelings put into words just to get it out since I have nobody to talk to.
I have nothing that I feel that I have to look forward to, nothing feels right. I walk around in public and just feel blank and empty, nothing exciting, just kinda there taking up oxygen that could be better used by someone else.
I had dreams of meeting a good women that cares and wants to build a life with me, have a house, be able to afford a family, someone to pass down my knowledge and things to. Life was not supposed to be the way it is for me now, I would never have wanted this for myself. I have always struggled assimilating with people, never fit in. Too many weird interests, I go through life more as a child who sees the world in wonderment instead of a successful introvert. I just don’t know what to do.
I have always worked, went to college (use none of it) have my own business now, never been lazy. Always worked way harder than most and achieved basically nothing. The hours I work most of the year would scare most women away. The stories I hear of guys working tons of hours and their lady getting bored and lonely and start looking for love somewhere else is not something that I want. I can work no problem, but the actual part of living and society I really struggle with which is why @ 32 I still live at home. I have the means to afford to have a house and live on my own but it would be tough.
I hear from everyone that I could never make it, others laugh and nicely call me a “loser” without saying those exact words. I have zero confidence in myself. I could have had some pretty good jobs that I passed up in fear of messing up, so I have stuck to myself. I am extremely self sufficient minus the living on my own part.
If I did move out, I have a younger sibling that is actually worse than me that has no interest in ever leaving my side or going on their own. So if I did meet someone and try to move, they would still live with me which I know would be extremely awkward. I had dreams of a women to build a life and family with. Work on a house, work on cars, do things with, explore, be there for, encourage, love etc. time is ticking and I am horrible when it comes to women. Plus the fact that I am my age and still living at home is a deal breaker I assume for all.
Women ignored me for most of my life. Improved from 19-21, then nothing besides 1 date. Yes, 1 date and that was when I was 26. I have only kissed 1 girl twice ever when i was 19 or 20 and was horrible at it. So I think that you can figure out what else I haven’t done by those clues. Pretty damn embarrassing. How do you explain this to someone at my age? Or even a decade ago? I also don’t even make any attempt anymore at talking to women due to all the reasons mentioned above, so that helps. I have no friends that are my age, so I cannot do anything there. Older generation accepts me. I get asked a lot if I am married or have kids and when I say no, or no time, they sure look at me like I just told them that they were fat. Since my bro is always with me no matter where I go, I have been asked multiple times, sometimes subtle sometimes not, if we or I was gay. So how the hell will I ever get anything that I want if I am perceived as that? Not that there is anything wrong with it, just not for me. I haven’t had a hug in over a decade, haven’t held hands since then, no love.
To look at me, I fool most that I am “normal”. I work hard at hiding. Finally after years I said **** it and stuffed all those feeling and ideas down and ignored them, but as time keeps ticking and I have no experience, no skill, I keep thinking about it. Not to mention my ocd which I can hide pretty well, or my extreme fear of death that I tell nobody about. There are other things that all contribute to me being the way I am that I may type, but not now. It’s a very lonely world for me, but if someone could look past my inexperience, I have no doubt that I am and can be someone’s other half. I care too much about people’s feelings sometimes. I feel that I need to be cold and distant and fool myself that everything is fine just to get by.
I would love to meet someone here that is local that is similar to me that accepted me and help each other become better people and in life. It’s very lonely.
02 Apr 2018, 10:59 am
