I cant sleep

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Lately Ive been feeling like everyone is better than me. Ive complained about this so many times on this site and here I go again. I attempted suicide by breathing wrong for 5 years. I thought I could kill myself by kind of pushing in on my chest when I breathed. It feels like I killed a muscel close to my heart. Ever since then Ive noticed some changes with my body. I get out of breath easy. Another change to my body is I sometimes poop myself. This hasnt happened in a while. But I know it will happen again. My muscles down there arent very strong. Its all I can do to make it to the bathroom in the morning. It practically falls out of my bum.

I am 32 years old and this makes me feel like an old woman. I would feel so much better if this didnt happen to me. Been watching a youtube channel of a guy that I think is cute. It gets me down that his life is so much more exciting than mine and he doesnt s**t himself. No one s**ts themselves except old people. Most old people dont s**t themselves. So this is making me feel alienated from people. Its depressing. I want my body back to the way it used to be but Ill never feel that good again. I dont think theres any way to feel better about this embarrasing problem.

I try to remind myself that it could be worse. I could be in pain all the time etc. But this just makes me feel seperated from people. Very alienating. My community support worker is getting me involved in new activities outside the house and I now have someone to hang out with. But things would be so much better if I didnt have fecal incontenence issues.

I hate to say the obvious, but have you discussed the incontinence with a doctor? A lot of people on the spectrum have a variety of gastrointestinal issues. Something must be medically wrong to cause this problem at your age.

I can't sleep either, if it makes you feel any better.

Yep. I would definitely try to find out the cause of the incontinence.

I understand the "social" aspects of it.

My mother has colitis---and she gets embarrassed when she has "accidents."

Thanx for the replies guys. I briefly touched base with a few doctors and they also think its because of what I did to my body. They said there is not much they can do.

I'm going to go out on a limb here, sarahsmith, and suggest something that just may help. Nothing ventured nothing gained as they say.

Re your incontinence: I would almost bet you eat a lot of things made from white flour, white bread primarily but also white pasta. And perhaps you buy breaded fish, chicken, etc which of course is made from white flour. White flour does not provide muscles with the nutrients they need to repair themselves. If you would please switch your bread to "100% Whole Wheat" and make your spaghetti and lasagna with whole wheat noodles (they are available if you search) I believe you will see some improvement. It won't be overnight tho but give it a few months.

I am basing this recommendation on my experience when I was in my 20s of getting hiccups a lot. Not as serious as incontinence I know but the principle is the same--atrophy of relevant muscles. Long story short, I went to a whole wheat diet and have never been bothered with hiccups since. Now if I hiccup, my diaphragm may spasm once or twice and that is all.

Re the sleeping: I have struggled to get a decent nights sleep all of my adult life. My latest approach, which seems to be working, is to first have a long period of quiet relaxation prior to going to bed (about 3 hours), with the last hour being non-screen time. Then making sure my bedroom environment is the right temperature. In my case the room must be about 60-62 degrees and my bed must have the right amount/weight of cover. Of course, I take my anti-depressant about an hour before I turn in too. And I sleep wearing earplugs to shield from traffic noise. This combo is what works for me. You can try some or all.

If I can clarify anything, feel free to ask.

It kind of feels like this has ruined my life.

Okay thankyou. I definately think I have caused damage to my body so Im worried there isnt much they can do to help. But at some point I may go back to talk to a specialist. It isnt so bad right now but Im worried about how much worse it will get as I age.