I'm lost. Help me please

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Hi all,

I haven't been on here for awhile. I am 27 years old high functioning aspie. I have great career, despite struggling to get employment due to lack of access here in Australia. Although I have lot of business and community support on the social enterprise I am developing. Government is interested to sponsor and support as well community organisations keen to collaborate. I got invited to be a keynote speaker at the conference that I have been speaking three times as an abstract presenter. I recently graduated from a postgraduate degree with very high GPA. I done lot of personal achievements, and I am not too fussed about that.

Unfortunately, it still makes me lonely because lot of friends and families don't empathise nor support with my achievements. I am very lonely all the time when no one asks me out to be like friends. I have this one friend who hang out with me who is introverted, NT and not a social kind of person. I tried to make more friends other than her through volunteering network, Meetup.com events and community organisations I go through. I also play sports, attend fitness bootcamps and that.

I am fine looking person, very athletic and built with muscles due to sporting and fitness. I eat very well but don't cook much. I always walk and biking in city. I also have a car. But I am going broke soon because I have no job, and employers still discriminate Autistic traits like everybody experiences on here.

I am a virgin as well, I tried asking women out because they have similar passions and that as me. We had conversations good times but when come to dating all of them rejected me. No one ever told me they likes me nor wanting me to be around. Like my friends whose seen posting photos and that on social media they have lot of attention being hanging out going on trips, birthdays and that etc. I have rarely getting that opportunity. I have gone through two universities, have been active in community networks where lot of people at same age as me including lot of women because we share similar passion in environment and sustainability.

But I am missing is the real true life of social inclusion, being friends hanging out showing good time. I rarely get opportunities. Psychologists kept telling me same advice like my other friends and families who told me use dating websites, use Meetup.com events and say "Don't give up'. These frustrates me a lot because no one ever accept nor try to understand my Autistic perspectives. It been so long time since first piece of advice but never worked. Hence I left out of options.

I don't know what to do now dealing with low expectancy lifestyle because I know my mental health of being lonely, isolated and non-privileged will destroy my health. As being low income earner it hurts more. I can't see how much optimistic I spent is helping me to stay positive because every time when I am being positive it still hurts me badly. There no help left anymore. I feel like I belong to lonely, single and isolated planet rather than planet Earth full of privileged, highly narcissist, attention seeking and competitive humans judging diversity and win on amount of friends, sex and money.

I wish I have a better life without dramas like I experience in past 9 years.

Most of us need some kind of satisfying social connection where we are appreciated, accepted and treated as an equal. As I have said before, on other threads, for me the solution to this was joining a MeetUp group for people with social anxiety. I met the loveliest, most accepting people there and it has greatly enhanced my life to belong to non-judgmental group that realises that everyone struggles with something, and the ethos is mutual support. In 5 years I have never experienced anyone being personally attacked nor marginalised there. At least half of the group are on the spectrum so no-one is treated as being an oddball outsider, and the conversations we have are real, not social superficial chit chat.

I met someone there who became a very special significant other, and all of the members are friendly with and to me. I think all members have been socially wounded at various times in their life, and the group dynamic was like a "coming home" experience for us all. Kindness, understanding and empathy are present in spades. So perhaps you too will find some kind of similar positive experience, if you venture to a similar group. I know the first time is nerve wracking, it was for me, though I was treated gently and with great courtesy. I have met some extraordinarily gifted people there - one man spoke 15 languages fluently - and when I was going through a bad patch, other members took time to contact and support me. I owe MeetUp a lot for providing the opportunity.

I was confused by what seemed a discrepancy. You said in the first paragraph you had a great career, yet a couple of paragraphs later you said you don't have a job. How are you paying your living expenses? Are you getting a disability check from the government?

These conferences you have spoken at, and were a keynote speaker at one, are they in the field you studied at university? What field is that? Or is your great career being an unpaid speaker about an autism disability?

I bring this up first, rather than your social isolation, because all of us somehow have to keep the wolf from the door ... keep a roof over our heads, and food on our table. If you take care of this issue first, you will be better situated to handle your social issues.

So often I see a friendless person complain that they are never invited to participate in social events. Well, it's necessary to learn how to be the one doing the inviting - anything from organizing an office party, to getting people together to attend a concert or movie premiere, to asking a colleague or pretty stranger if they would like to get a beer or cup of coffee. Are you doing those things?

I also notice something odd about your diction. You often omit articles (the, a, an), use the expression "and that" which is a bit vague, and employ nonstandard forms of verbs ("I have rarely getting that opportunity" rather than "have gotten"). I wonder if your speech is equally idiosyncratic. Improving your verbal communication may help you move more seamlessly among others. Autistic people often struggle with nonverbal communication, but I would think someone as well educated as you could improve their verbal communication to come off better to others. Anyway, it's worth looking at.

English is not his first language.

Indeed that is true. Last night I had a friend over, she been my friend for 5 years. She is introverted person. That I mentioned in the initial post. I have other friend who is also introverted but with crippling anxiety. Knew her same time as other friend, although she is married. I have met few introverted people in my networks including Meetup group I regularly attend to and also being a host of that group. I am hosting this group to go to the museum of Queensland this weekend and then head to the parklands after. The group is called socially anxious and introverted.

While these kind of people come across very nice, supportive and never judge who I am. Unfortunately it still makes me lonely due to their introvertness is not giving me energy nor connection. They rarely make conversations, since I am neither introverted nor extroverted. I am halfway. I struggle to get along with extroverted people because they are too loud, obnoxious and highly expected me to be very successful person. They mainly found in activism groups I used to hang around. I thought I got along with them due to common values and interests but their personalities is extremely overwhelming which causes tensions in communication. No wonder why politically controversial when they do activities like protesting, locking themselves on mining equipment and that. Their behaviour seems related to their personality which doesn't respect other person's perspective.

I also struggle to find a girlfriend who I love to hang out with like partners. It nothing to do with status like everybody else doing for their relationships. It about company, balance of time and energy. I love to share same things together, go travel together, work together and make things together. I do enjoy that sort of company. At the moment due to my high networking efforts I still couldn't find anyone. There are so many type-A personalities around. It looked like they are overtaking the planet breeding passive-aggressive and bigotry attitudes. Narcissism and selfish attitudes. Making friends through creating selfies on instagram showing off themselves as popular person.

This way of how society do is not beneficial for autistic people like us due we are being different. We focus on serious things, while socially minded people create problems. It so frustrating to me couldn't get proper friends nor a girlfriend despite being 27 years old have done so many things. I was expected to have good quality of people by now despite very few opportunities. I don't want to be lonely.

I know that over here, there is a Meetup in my area specifically for people who like to seriously discuss things. (I haven't joined it, though am considering it, when my current obligations lighten up a bit). So I wonder if a) there is a similar group where you are and 2) if so, whether it might provide more of a rewarding experience for you. If there isn't one, you can start one. It's inexpensive (about $8 AUD a month to be an organiser) and you can share this expense with either a co-organiser down the line or ask the group to pay a token fee like $1 a month for the duration of their membership.

It is a bit stressful setting up a new group at first though, as there is a bit of communication involved with new members who come to the group, and writing the group's mission statement, working out the settings for messages and those initial clerical tasks. However if I can do it, I am sure that you can too.

I am also thinking of joining a movie meetup - I like films but not attending them by myself so much, and there I can limit social interaction if I am not in the mood at the time yet still enjoy the company.

The goal, in any case, is to reduce isolation and connect with compatible people. The creation of Meetup and their reasonable fees was an important thing for people like me, and the ease with which you can leave unsuitable groups, and join new ones is a big bonus.

What do you think?

I have no capacity to run a Meetup group since I run a volunteer youth group for Landcare activities. Plus I am developing a social enterprise. I really can't do too much since I need my own time, doing the things I love such as play sports, go to free fitness bootcamps, do Parkun and go to social community events such as Plastic Free campaign etc.

That why I became a host of the specific Meetup group rather than becoming an owner of the group. There are Aspergers Meetup group, I attend sometimes as they are not regularly create events. They are new. I was member of Aspergers Facebook group as well but they don't do it well and the members were so rude and bullying me. The Meetup group one is okay but I only attended once because they hold an event once a month. Next one is next weekend but I can't attend as I won't be in same city.

I can't make sacrifices on my passions, common interests and wellbeing. I have two academic degrees in environmental sciences with research experience in urban development, community engagement, climate change and environmental sustainability. I am a disability advocate. I attend and present at Autism conferences. I am a keynote speaker at the next national conference.

I seem doing too much about myself like personal achievements. Like psychologists, families and friends told me since 9 years experience of isolation and missing out on the world I have took their advice to do the things you love. I did it and earned successes, rewards and achievements. That got me to travel to countries without spending a single cent such as delegate at global congress etc. I was invited and accepted to speak and do things.

I have used my Autism as a strength to show the world that I am smart, talented and intelligent in my field. I am using this to keep myself happy, preoccupied and make opportunities.

So from the point of this thread of why I created it, I am lost. Socially and relationships. I couldn't get along with people very much in similar interests as me. I tried to learn and socialise as usual but what they kept holding me down is not understanding me such as need time to process situations etc. Girls always don't find me attractive. That has upset and scared me because I have been doing all the achievements like I said years ago what makes myself attractive is being myself and be happy about the things I am doing. It frustrates me living in double standard and ironic lifestyle. It hurts my feelings.

In what way do girls not find you attractive? If you don't know, ask. It's embarrassing, but it's the only way you'll find out.

Also, you must understand that in general, women are looking for a prospective mate, whether they do so consciously or not. Your ability to earn a living will determine which women you can hope to woo. Are you setting your standards too high?

I have lot of different feedback and answers from everybody. Many say it me being negative and stubborn. I find it a myth for people on the spectrum of being stubborn and negative because I kept saying about helping others to understand my barriers. Im pretty straightforward, honest and logical on my feelings and expressions. I have also been mentioned that I am not physically attractive, not sure if I have angelic face but I am physically fit and play sports. I groom well shower everyday, wash clothes a lot and I'm pretty much OCD on tidiness and stuff at my home.

In general about prospective mate I still get confused because it like they are not looking it tends to go out of control. Like friends with benefits, rebound relationships and related stuff. How this is even working? Why women dont look for a guy like me?

My standards isn't high. I am looking for someone share same passion and values as me. Who want a family and get married. Go on trips.

The same passion and values may be setting your sights too high. Many of us have to "settle" for someone who is kind and respectful towards us.

I wonder if you are somehow signalling a lack of confidence? Women tend to like confident men (not over confident men) and maybe it's one issue to think about and investigate. If you think that might be an issue, maybe start by looking at images of confident body language and images of fearful or anxious body language, notice the differences, make a list maybe, and work on it for five minutes a day or more.

I lose intelligence if I work in a cafe, or place that is nowhere near my interests. It makes me sick in head, lose interest in life and can't process information. I am easily clickable, high in confidence and very happy when doing things I know what to do and relates to my brain's strengths and abilities.

I am environmentalist person, I worked in community sector and currently volunteer running youth Landcare group. If I talk to women who is huge in music, I will get lost in conversation and won't able to show her my interest hence she will reject me for love making activities. My brain is wired to strengths. Not breaking the weaknesses. It put lot of energy out of me.

I talk to women with no problem. I approached thousands and thousands of women where I go. I traveled few countries. I hang out with female friends. I have approached strangers females in public, at work, at conferences and sporting groups. I have no issue, absolutely none. Zero, zitch.

Do anyone struggle to find themselves when they are stuck in between two things that aren't working while there no options left?

I have a feeling that I may be unhappy with my life. I couldnt get support due to poor accessibility by who recommended me to mediate and stuff like yoga, music and related things. I struggled to hear the words they speak due to my hearing loss. I can't close my eyes in those therapy sessions because I don't hear nor understand the words even the speaker and person singing in the music. That why it I couldn't mediate. It a same for yoga, I see the see the person's face to lipread, and my limited movements such as Autistic motor neuron impacts where I couldn't balance properly. Even doing the stretching during the free fitness bootcamp that I attend three times a week I couldn't balance my workouts.

This seems very coincidental to my head is lacking concentration. While I excel in memory, organisation, projecting, planning, navigating and that I have concentration issues. I have a feeling it the disability impacts.

I have poor access to therapy sessions because I am low income earner. I couldn't save money. I only have 10 free sessions with a psychologist a year.

While I met lot of young couples who are low income earners they found themselves great. I doubt money is a factor. It got to do with personal privileges and confidence in some weird way.

In another recent thread, your primary concern is finding a romantic partner. Only by reading both threads did I realize you have hearing loss. That is probably as profound a disability as your autism, and especially so in areas where communication is essential, which includes interpersonal experiences from hiring to intimacy.

Please start to view this as an area where you can work to improve and/or compensate. You may need to seek work where the majority of communication is either face-to-face and one-to-one, or else by writing (email, etc.). You may need to seek romance among people who also have hearing loss or are knowledgeable about dealing with it in others - in other words, the deaf/hard-of-hearing community.

You claim to have no difficulties communicating with women, but find they don't want to be more than friends. I think you may not be aware how difficult it is for them to converse with you. I once dated a deaf man, and it was a lot more effort for me, the hearing person. I did like and care about him, but with my own autistic difficulties (which I was not aware of at the time), I just could not see us having a committed relationship.

I'm concerned that viewing your problems as I have suggested above may be very discouraging, and I'm sorry about that. I am hoping to help you, and sometimes that means facing unpleasant realities. But in doing so, it is sometimes possible to move forward where previously you felt immobilized.

Good luck.

Hey Econ Matt,
First of all, a lot of really good men are still virgins when they are 27. Don't let that convince you that your future is decided. Most of the sexual relationships people have in their early 20s are really painful and disastrous, so consider yourself better off for having stayed single during that tumultuous period.
You mentioned psychologists. Have you seen a psychologist who specializes in adults with autism? The right therapist won't just throw you to the wolves -- 'sink or swim' doesn't work well for us, because we can't read the signs and tend to just get weirder with age. We need coaching from someone sympathetic who understands why we are the way we are and can help us to both be our true selves and to connect with other people. The right therapist is out there but you have to find him or her.
If you're serious about wanting to live a better life you need to get into the right treatment, and it's your job to find it. You can do it. Look at your academic achievements. A graduate degree in economics is no joke. Obviously you can understand dynamic problems and you can achieve what you set your mind to. So set your mind to the task of finding the *right* therapist, a social skills specialist, if you will, and then commit to doing the hard work to develop your social life like you developed your intellectual life.

Some of us need social skills school.

One last thing: meetup is not a good way to meet people, it's a good way to find activities. Totally different. A good way to meet people is match dot com. Do the six month guarantee, and make sure to fulfill your quotas. You will have to endure rejection, but you likely will find someone you really click with if you stick with it. Match is great for helping honest weirdos find each other. I found my best friend on match seven years ago. We didn't work as a couple, but he's my very best friend in the world, and I'm his. And he and I both have massive, massive social issues.

Keep your chin up.