Just want this off my chest

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No idea where to post this. I havent spoken to any human being in 2 years not that there is any exccept my weekly caretaker, im so tired. What ever i did to upsett that thingy called god or what ever it is im so sorry, im so sorry what ever bad i must have done i dont know. I try to find it but i cant i just want this pain to go from my soul, i want to go. I cant imagine to live another year. This year to in a few days is my birthday and ofc none will remember my exsistence *reffers especially to my family not that it matters i never exsisted. Probably im already dead and just a restless ghost?! What ever that thingy god is it realy hates in me. Im tired i duno how to get up anymore ill just fail anyways.

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this, you sound like you're seriously depressed. Is there a possibility to see a therapist? Or maybe mental health help lines you can call? If you have anxiety calling one of those might help a lot. In the meantime, you can keep posting here too, it helps a lot to vent.

Im so sorry your feeling down. Yes talking to a therapist seems like a good idea.

I feel like this most of the time as well, sometimes i wonder what did i do in my past life to get the one i have now...

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. I have certainly had periods of time when I have gone through very rough patches and do ask myself what I did to deserve all this pain. You can find people to talk to. Are you verbal? Can you use a phone? Can you get out of your home? Can your caregiver assist you to get more contact with other people or does the caregiver try to isolate you.

This is a good place to start.

Sorry for the late response, im better now but stressed emotionally because im moveing soon to another place. I do have therapy all my life. Im tired of it. My first therapist i had with 4 years. To the isolation is on my own fault, i didnt wanted to see anyone ever again after my ex partner did sexual abuse me. I was down due to many things like these already happened in my life and didnt wanted to tslk nor even to try to trust anyone if this makes any sense? Ive took this so long in silence, not that i had friends for what ever reason im just not haveing any luck with people. Mostly they are there if i have my good moods, if they need something and then when i need someone to talk its all over. I feel like im cursed, like im not allowed to be loved hust a tiny bit. Like a hug no?! I dont know how to make friends, i never learn that to im afraid to talk, writing is easy but as soon as i open my mouth and say something its bound to upsett anyone for some reason or getting misunderstand. To talking with a therapist isnt on the same level of dept in intimacy as with a friend or someone you consider yourself close with. To needs to be very carefully there what being said allways else it may turn against you eventually. Social things are so scarry. I dont like that people are hurt or being sad. I hope to you all feel better.