A FB friend died yesterday. And some advice for the suicidal

Post Reply New Topic

And from what little information I've seen shared, my best guess is that it was a suicide. I know she struggled with depression.

I never met her. I only knew her through a private FB group of mostly locals and people who know each other through a few degrees of separation. She was also on my FB friends list & had a unique sense of humour that I appreciated for all the laughs at jokes and memes she shared. She lived on Salt Spring Island, which has a very small tight knit community. Right now there are several memorial posts being made, shared, liked & reacted to by dozens and dozens of people. If only she could see those things now.

My point in sharing this is that even when you don't think you matter to anyone, you do. People live busy lives and might not be in touch or think to even send a quick "hi," but that doesn't mean they don't appreciate you or have you in their thoughts. Suicide, is, as they say, a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I wish she'd have reached out to the group, a friend, a professional hotline, myself, or anyone at all.

Be stronger than you think you can. Resist the temptation to let those thoughts win. Feel free to use my own coping mechanisms that got me through those thoughts: Whenever I'd have passively suicidal thoughts, I would use one, the other, or both of these things:

1.) Observe my thoughts. I would acknowledge that, yes, they are technically my thoughts running through my mind - but - realize that they are Not my thoughts & I am not consciously choosing to think them.. they're intrusive thoughts doing their thing as best they can to fool me into first believing them, and second, acting on them. Once I'm the observer of my thoughts, they don't hold the same power over me as if I were to simply just believe everything I think and make decisions and take action on them without pausing to analyze and reflect on them. Slowing yourself right down & becoming the observer of your own thoughts is very, very, empowering - especially when it comes to dealing with thoughts like these that can have a very significant impact vs. otherwise trivial routine thoughts and interactions with others. It's Most important to be able to pause and observe these types of thoughts than any other, because the ability to do so can literally mean the difference between life and death.

2.) Love. It's the single most powerful force in the Universe. I would close my eyes and picture one of the two people in my life at that time that I loved enough to endure ANYTHING for, including constant intrusive suicidal thoughts. I'm not a self serving person, but I would do ANYTHING for those I love, and so I use that very powerful force to my advantage. It certainly does help that I have a very visual memory and can picture these people at will. I'm sure many of you reading this are very much the same. I've used this coping mechanism to get through thoughts like these more times than I can count. If I were to think only of myself, especially during times of negative self worth, I wouldn't have the strength required to endure these thoughts.. but when I think about & picture someone I love that I would do ANYTHING for? These thoughts have No power over me because Love for others is the most powerful force in the Universe. I use this same technique to make it through physical challenges, too, like working outdoors in crazy cold freezing rain for 12 hours a day or w/e.. anything I'd give up on and say f**k it to if it were for me, I can carry on and complete when it's for someone I love.

I hope this is able to help someone, even just one person who happens to stumble across this post several years from now. That's all I got. I'm crying right now about someone I never even met. Just imagine how people that know you better than I knew her might feel if you made that decision. Hopefully that's a sobering thought that gets you through to your next moment, your next opportunity to live.

Yep...another confirmation that suicide is a waste, just a waste.....

Wise words. Thank you for posting goldfish.

Sorry for the loss of your friend. I have no idea what her problems were in her life but I disagree that everyone who dies from suicide has temporary problems that can all somehow be fixed. That is wishful thinking. Some problems can be fixed, while others can't.

What problem can’t be fixed?

Chronic illnesses that make life intolerable is just one possible example.

Hmmm, perhaps. Depends on what the illness is and how it makes life intolerable.

Excruciating pain for the rest of your life? Ok, I can see opting for a quick and painless way out.

Depression? Treatable/solvable, eventually, IMO, even if it's lasted decades. That's my personal opinion from overcoming it myself. YMMV.

Other illnesses? Grey area.. depends on the illness & situation. My cousin's father was dying of cancer in the ~late 70's and there was sweet f**k all doctors could do for him then, so, he rode his motorcycle head on into a big rig in an "accident," so that his 2 girls could benefit from the insurance money that otherwise wouldn't have been paid out if he waited a little longer and died of cancer. I don't feel his decision was cowardly, but rather the ultimate sacrifice made out of a place of love.

US suicide rates increased by more than 25% since 1999. In 2016 alone, 45,000 folks killed themselves.

https://www.cnn.com/2018/06/07/health/s ... index.html

Sorry. No amount of helpful talk, keep-yourself-alive suggestions or medications can help those who are so deep in pain that their only way out is suicide. Not even money. Robin Williams and Kate Spade were filthy rich.

So, what's your suggestion? For those who experience suicidal thoughts take action & eat a shotgun for breakfast instead of persevering to treat and overcome their depression?

I have no suggestion. If someone is truly suicidal they won't whine about it. They'll just do it even if I scream at the top of my lungs, "Don't do it."

People commit suicide every day. I know that when I attempted suicide, there was no talking me out of it. Why? Because I told no one I was doing it. I simply went to the drug stores, bought the pills, and swallowed them all in my motel room.

If the day ever comes around again when I want to end it all, no one would know. And that's how it is for the thousands who kill themselves around the world year after year.

^^^^ I agree with you.

That said, I think a lot more could be fixed if one had access to better medical care, better psychiatric care and better living conditions. I am thinking, for example, of hospice patients I have had that want to kills themselves, but once their symptoms are controlled, they are fine and have more time to enjoy with family. People who are depressed, but once they have something meaningful to do with their lives, they rebound. But that is another topic.

I agree. Once the decision has been solidly made, the individual does not talk about it, they just do it.

OTOH, I think what the OP is talking about is reaching out to more people ahead of time, when the problems are, perhaps, still solvable. I am not naive enough to think we can do this for everyone or that all problems are fixable. But I do think life in general could be better if we reached out to our friends, neighbors and communities, if we have that capacity. (And this from someone who does not like people. )

Robin Williams didnt die of depression, he had a terminal form of dementia that gave him less than 2 years left to live. He had already been suffering the irreversible effects of his disease and was suffering a decline in his quality of life. He wanted to go out on his own terms. There was no amount of talking that would have fixed his problem.

Turns out it wasn't suicide. Everyone assumed it was because there was no cause of death stated or discussed. What really happened is she had a heart attack. 35 years old. Her obesity probably was a contributing factor. I wouldn't have guessed that her weight put her into the morbidly obese category.. but maybe. It's actually less sad to me that she died of a heart attack than at her own hand.

I find it sadder, in a way, because she definitely didn’t want to die. 35 is just too damn young.

She’s just as dead from a heart attack as she is if she took her own life.

There's a possibility the heart had a defect of some sort.