scared to death, need help

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WARNING: rant. Also, i promise it's the last time i'll ever post this depressing story. I have nowhere else to go. Nowhere. Thank u in advance for those who took the time to read it. I really need help.



i've been wondering what the hell i can do about this incredible hell i'm in.
I've been suffering from social anxiety due to quite extreme bullying , which for the most part comes from my parents. The main point i'm trying to make here, is that they see autism as being "batshit crazy", cause i have selective mutism and i dont like loud things or light. For the rest, i went to university, can play some instruments, am a good enough person. Due to sensory overload, i switched from a job working at a notary office to a guitar teacher. Then all hell broke loose. Nothing special, but i'm not a freak like they always call me. I think someone called this "mobbing or gaslighting". I nearly died trying to make them proud getting my stupid legal degree, but it wasnt enough.
I've already posted somewhere here about it, and i absolutely hate myself everyday. Cause when ur parents call u " a failure", a "ret*d", "an ugly dog", and well...u get it. I was also beat down physically numerous times, even as an adult (with a functioning life, good job and girl at the time). They would constantly either beat me on my head or call me the worst names. They abused me by all standards. To the extreme. I just dont understand why i kept taking it from them. I still always feel horrible for hating them, which makes it a mindf*ck. I hate me cause they hate me. Its that simple. I've been absolutely begging for a kind word of my father. He'll just call me a fag. Since recently i hate the way i look cause i look like him. I sometimes literally want to die cause of this reason. Cause i'm becoming him. I've got his psycho face. He murdered my soul together with his alcoholic wife that was a "mother". They are now too old to change and they'll rather s**t on everything i ever did, stalking me,calling my partners whores ...this that. I already went the legal route but they have lots of power in the legal world and basically, whatever i do they'll hit me back with police/ lawyer / psychiatrists friends. They'll gang up on me calling me "insane". "Hey he's autistic!" and threaten me that their shrink friend will "write a judge to lock me up". Mind u, all the while i'm just playing guitar somewhere far away from them, and working at a pet farm with kids. Anything in nature. They'll show up at night throwing pebbles at my girls window when we're sleeping, and when i call the cops they'll just know them personally and LIE to them. I'm scared to death. My entire town things i'm "crazy" because of lies my parents spread. My friends will come up to me and ask me "why my father acted like i'm not his son". He was in a bar and an old friend asked him how i was doing , and he told them "he didnt know that ret*d". All this cause i "ruined their reputation".
Their money makes them do whatever they want. In my opinion , they are all power hungry psychopaths that drink wine judging the new sh***y art they just bought. They'll also sue just about anybody for anything cause they can. They used to sent me to a "lady friend" of her that was a shrink and the first thing she said was "so your father tells me that u are a brat". That was my entire childhood. Drunk people with wine rings around their mouths talking about carpets and being horrible to each other. I'm currently writing an anonymous letter to a newspaper to get help .
I'm being mobbed by people that are supposed to be professionals, but since i'm a "craaaazy adult" ( read: socially inept guy who just likes to be alone) i've got no social currency. Is this 2018? My parents have been creating this "dossier" about me, that i'm crazy while i'm clearly not. They 'll throw plates against the wall themSELVES, take pictures, and with the two of them say that i broke in to my parents house to "wreak havoc". And then they'll call their shrink friend who i trusted with everything, and she'll say whatever they want. Which makes me feel like i'm crazy. Even though i'm not. I'm scared to death. Every second, of every day. I even fled to portugal for a year but i missed my friends so bad i returned. Bad move, u stupid piece of s**t! I'm not paranoid, cause they even got me in a psych ward thanks to this f*****g b***h of a shrink. Luckily the judge there said "something wasnt right", and the staff there even said i wasnt supposed to be there. I was to scared to follow it up with a lawsuit of my own but as i hope u understand i was exhausted and glad to get the hell out of there. I took my car and spent the next year working in the south of portugal/spain playing guitar in hotels. Sounds fun, but as u can imagine i'm not exactly a social genius, and i missed my only two friends i ever had.
.

Does anybody know what to do when people just keep telling u and everybody that ur crazy??? where am i supposed to go? the shrink ? The police? The first time i got a lawyer, my father knew the judge. The second time? yes! ? I'm hyper ashamed that my parents are like that, i cannot show my face anywhere cause people think i'm a ret*d. My parents are the kind of people that will act super, overly nice to anybody. At home, my father hits my drunk mother and calls those same people "plebs". I got a girl, but its too hard for her. I'm already losing her cause it's too much. I stand in front of the mirror hating my stupid face cause i look like my degenerate pig of a father. I feel like my life has been stolen from me. I'm sensitive, and i cannot life without parents. I needed it. I still do cause i dont know how it feels. I was waiting patiently for their "nice old age", but they are psychopaths. So its done. My life is one of those sh***y stories , i cannot believe my life went like this. Through NO fault of my own. But i still cry 24/7 because of it. My soul is dead. I can go nowhere. I'm so scared i lock myself up 24/7, with no friends, no parents, and a lifetime cattlebrand of "the town failure" with everyone i grew up with, and dearly miss and respect. Where ever i am, i have to be reminded my entire group of friends in my home town thinks i'm literally crazy. They'll ignore me, point at me, gossip,....and the cops will call me "buddy". I cannot believe this is real life. My father once called up my entire phonebook in my cellphone to tell people they had to leave me alone cause "i lost my mind and needed time". I was actually recovering from a stomache surgery at home due to stress at work. The right time to do this, ofcourse. I lost my girl of 5 years i met in uni cause of the shame her man was the town joke, not long after. I got a new girl now, but that doesnt make that a nice thing to experience.

Now, nobody ever believes me, especially police or whatever...cause well, "why would they lie". And the story is so unbelieveable it's a direct "proof" i'm "seeing things'. Fun, fun, fun!! !! And who would believe my 33 year old, exhausted looking face, with the shrink approved brand of "troubled".

I tried people. I really tried. Hard. The only recourse left is me writing to a newspaper or something, but well, who the hell cares when all hell is breaking loose all over the world.

Writting to the newspaper about this problem is a good idea if you dont know what else to do. Im not sure what other advice I can give you other than you might want to move far away. Yes you will miss your friends but maybe you can make new friends elsewhere. Then you can go to therapy without worrying if your father knows the therapist.

I vote for completely and permanently distancing yourself from your parents. I recommend a different country. Why not go back to Portugal - or try a different country entirely.

The fact that you can eke out a meager living playing and teaching guitar, should encourage you. Many autistic people don't have that type of skill.

Could you talk your girl into going with you?

You seem to have many strengths that a lot of other autistic people do not. You are capable of a romantic relationship. You can earn a living. You have established some friendships. You were able to go abroad and live on your own.

You say you can't live abroad now because your friends are in your home country (Belgium?) but let's examine that belief. It sounds like you are discouraged to the point of self-harm, possibly. So are your friends in the home country a powerful enough factor that they could cost you your sanity and life? I am not disparaging those friendships, but rather asking you to gain a little perspective.

Face it, at this point, your parents are never going to change. Stop hoping for better treatment. It is not going to come. As for looking like your father, change your face somewhat, by different facial hair (beard if he is clean shaven, or vice versa), a different way of wearing your hair, etc.

I wish you luck. You seem like an interesting person who would be fun to know.

Dear people,
thank you for reading my exhausting rant!

i love your responses, and yes, i'm heading back to portugal. I'm making arrangements as we speak, and i'll be there in a month. Thank you for giving me what i needed to hear.
Yes i'll miss my friends but in the past few days they upped the ante making contact again with certain "professionals" and i'm getting the hell outta here.

Thank u so much.

Good luck to you, belgiumguitardude. You need to make this move for your safety, mental and physical. Let us know how things go.

Yikes, that sounds like something out of a horror movie.

I'm with Beatrice on this one, I would get the heck out of there and never look back. Friends come and go, it doesn't sound like it's worth it to stay.

I would be scared to death too. Just go. There is no fixing that situation. Please go and then let us hear from you that you are okay.